Raising Stink

What up, yo?

2010-05-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

How is everybody this Monday morning? It's all kinds of gloomy and cloudy here, as it has been for what seems like a month. I'm over it! The kid got over his almost week long illness and is with his dad until tomorrow. The hubs is still sleeping, making me want to kill him dead, as I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm hoping he and my dad can assemble the new swing set while Stink is gone, but it might be too wet and muddy.

I've got news, I've got clips, I've got issues to discuss. I really need to get back into the swing of blogging, even if no one reads this crap anymore. For now, I assume you have all seen the kid singing Lady Gaga, and since I can't watch it without tearing up, I'll skip it and repost these little girls. Angels, they are.

Hope you all have a fabulous day!

It's That Time

2010-04-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I was considering posting, and thinking that since I seem to stop by once a month I'm sort of like your Aunt Flo. But then I realized I was nowhere to be seen in January or March. I'm thinking you are either pregnant, or have some sort of disorder. Regardless, y'all want might want to see your doctor. Me? Still not pregnant. I responded well to a higher dosage of whatever the hell it is I take that makes me weepy, and am currently "timing intercourse." It's as romantic as it sounds. I'll warn you advance, if this blog is a'rockin'...

So, let's see. How about we do a little photo recap? That seems to be an easy way to catch up. (And if we're friends on Facebook, I apologize in advance, as I'm sure you've seen all these.)

Behold, the first day of spring.

Yes, we were surprised, to say the least. Literally, the day prior we had the windows open and had the bike out. We've been patiently waiting for good weather, so we've gotten creative about how to kill time indoors. Enter some laundry baskets and zip ties.

And a flight of stairs.

Spring finally appeared for real, and hubby got to FINALLY try out the contraption he and my dad built months ago.

To his utter delight, the Jeep is now "naked." For whatever reason, he scoffed at my suggestion that he leave my door on. What? I don't want to fall out! Or anybody to see my fat, pale legs. Oh well, my boys are happy.

Stink is doing well. Had a minor incident, but he's better now.

Stitches are out, and I am pleased as punch that he "graduated" from speech therapy. He's been going for over 3 years. His teacher said he's on point for his age, he's tired of "doing his words", and she's heard enough about Transformers to last her entire life.

The weather has been delightful, and we took full advantage of it last weekend while Stink was with his dad.

We stopped at "Bar", and I regret to inform you it is under new ownership with a new name. So bummed.

Easter was nice. Sam was pleased with his haul.

Cut to the current day. Yesterday was the home opener for the Royals. We lost. Shocker. Last night I cheered my heart out for Butler to beat Duke. Didn't happen. I'm one unhappy sports fan today.

Gee, I'm rereading this and thinking what a total pile of suck this is. I apologize. Come back next time and I'll regale you with a tale about my trip to the dentist.

What Was I Saying?

2010-02-18T20:17:00.001-08:00

Wow. Been a bit since I've posted, huh? I could give some reasons but I think I'll just skip that part and let's see if I can get back on track. And, if not, no big deal there, either. Life goes on.

So where were we? Christmas Eve? Yikes. OK, Christmas Day was a blast. The snow started to fall at a lovely pace, shortly before we headed over to my in-law's house.

As always, there was great food and fabulous company. With full bellies we broke out the Wii and there was serious gaming that took place. I opted to sit out and be in charge of picture taking. Christmas spirit be damned, the competition was fierce.

We left about 8:00pm and went to snag Sam from his dad's house. He was very excited to see what Santa had delivered to our house. Needless to say, the fat man (Santa, not my ex) did not disappoint. And the battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons began.

They set out to defend the universe while I sat in the kitchen and drank. By the time Stink called it a night, I was loosened up and ready to play. Ahem.

Much to our surprise, the ex offered to take Sam on New Years Eve, even though it wasn't his year. We had dinner with my parents, then watched a movie and hung out. A very nice evening, safe and warm at home.

January brought us, um, nothing that I can think of. Well, I quit smoking. So there's that.

February brings my birthday, which is "just another day" in my book. I got a KU Snuggie, which thrilled me! Hubby had to work so my baby and I ordered pizza and snuggled. Pretty great day!

Ah, Valentine's Day. The most romantic day of the year. Check out my lovely surprise.

And then, on to celebrate our love, devotion, and commitment to one another.

Overpriced beer, the most disgusting hot dog I've ever encountered, and Monster Trucks. Feel the freaking love! Honestly? It was pretty darn great, only because Stink had such a blast. The venue wasn't the best, there was a ton of walking, a multi-flight escalator that about made me puke, and white trash galore. Who could ask for more? But when it was all said and done and my sweet child told my wonderful husband that he's "the best dad ever", my heart melted.

That was my quarterly effort. See ya when I see ya!

I'm Aliiiiiive!!!

2009-12-28T18:47:00.001-08:00

Wow, where the hell have I been? I haven't even posted once in December? Quite the blogger, I am.

I guess the biggest reason has been Stink's cough that started in what seems like 1989, but since that's impossible, we'll go with late October. It never turned into much, and with no fever or complaints from him, I let it go way longer than I should have. I'll spare you the boring details, but we were at the Doctor's office twice, Walk-In Healthcare once, and the Emergency Room twice. Prescriptions for Antibiotics, Codeine, two rounds of Steroids, and lots of breathing treatments. A diagnosis of Pneumonia, Bronchitis, and finally, Childhood Asthma. That was a bummer to hear, but in some sort of holiday miracle, simply correctly diagnosising it seems to have cured him. He's so much better and hasn't needed a breathing treatment since, just the occasional inhaler puff. Hooray! (So much for the boring details.)

Christmas was wonderful in these parts. Sam enjoyed helping me make cookies, something that I detest. The cookie cutters failed me, and after getting way too irritated with them, I made the ever popular and festive "Christmas Circles".

Our tree was nice, despite the majority of the ornaments being in a major cluster, at about the 3 1/2 feet mark.

I will freely admit to the fact that I went extremely overboard with the presents.

Sam enjoyed all of his gifts, 98% of which were some sort of Transformers product.

No present left behind!

That was Christmas Eve morning, then later in the day we headed over to see my parents. And open more presents. He deemed this helmet "boring."

Until he opened the next gift.

We gave my mom a KU Snuggie.

And then she died.

So Sam and I borrowed it for a quick Snuggie snuggle.

Then he and hubby played by the roaring fire.

The original plan was for Stink's dad to pick him up at our house at 8:30, but he had called around 4:00 and mentioned the weather "getting nasty." I believe his intention was to come and get him right then. Nice try! We kindly delivered Stink to his house at the prearranged time. All praise the Jeep!

However, the snow was really coming down. We had to pull over a few times to get ice off of the windshield wipers, which is when I snapped this picture.

The snow just kept coming and coming, and it was wonderful.

Well, I am completely tired of uploading pictures. And what an incredibly lame post this has been. The best part? We aren't even up to Christmas Day! Lucky you guys!

I'm going to try to do Part Two before the year 2010, but if my track record is any indicator, I should go ahead and wish you all a Happy New Year right now.

(For whatever stupid reason, I can't get Spellcheck to work at the moment. If you catch any errors, assume typo. Not wine. Typo.)

Oh, Shuck Me!

2009-11-23T21:27:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday I took Stink to preschool and then his dad was picking him up afterwards and keeping him until Sunday. I feel (a little) bad about admitting how much I was looking forward to him being away for a few days. But, seriously, between schedule conflicts and illness it seemed like it had been ages since he was out of here for a bit. I would love to say I spent my free time cleaning (which I actually did some of) but mainly I enjoyed moving at my own pace and basking in some alone time with my husband. When he returned Sunday evening I was going through his school bag and came across this.

Super. Did the ex tell me about this? No. Despite the recent trip to the ER? Still no. Despite him sending an email telling me that Sam wasn't going to school on Friday because of a persistent cough? Again, no. Luckily, Stink seems to be feeling better and is on the upswing.

Today after school I was digging through his bag and came across another piece of his "art". With Thanksgiving looming, I assumed it was an ear of corn that hadn't been completely shucked and posted it on the fridge in such manner. (Wasn't sure what odd farm disease the corn was suffering from, but I rolled with it.)

Later Sam told me it was a picture of me. Oh. OK. I repositioned it and, again, rolled with it. Sure, my hair isn't that dark, and I wondered about some of the coloring, but who am I to judge his "art"? (And since when do I look so angry?)

It was at that time he told me it was upside down. So, like any good mommy I flipped it over. Does anybody else see what I do? And, PLEASE, don't make any lewd, crude, or rude comments. Hubby is already not loving that I'm putting this out there. But seriously, take a peek.

I swear, I have no clue. Happy Thanksgiving!

And The Winner Is...

2009-11-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

Well, this is sort of hard to judge. The deal was to guess what it is and what I thought it was, which nobody really did. But I'll give you all props for being freakishly good at this game. And for making me laugh. Oprah? Good one.

Anyhoo, it is, in fact, an elephant. However, for 3 days it hung on my fridge where I thought of it as a bat. Until Stink explained to my husband that you stick your little arm through it to make the trunk. (Said perverted husband offered another solution. And don't act like you didn't think of that.)

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter who "won", since I wasn't able to make a donation in any other name but my own. But I kept to my word and donated $10 to Mala's cause, and it looks like she's up to a total of $115. Way to go, girl!

Other than that, I've got nada going on. For a few hours last night I was broken out in hives. I have no idea why, but the only thing out of the norm for me was that I ate a mini candy bar. Neither of my guys like coconut, so all Mounds and Almond Joys are still sitting in Sam's enormous bowl of Halloween candy. So...I helped myself. But the funniest part was that immediately after telling my husband that I ate one, he asked me which one had nuts in it. I thought he was kidding, so I spouted off the ancient jingle, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." Much to my surprise, he AGAIN asked me which one has nuts. Really? ALMOND Joy?!?! His blond moments are so few and far between (read: never) that I cherish them dearly.

My only other "news" is that I got carded at the liquor store tonight. Made. My. Day. And, yes, it was prior to me handing him my debit card that says "See ID" on back. So, hooray for me! Unfortunately, it was downhill from there. He asked me if I was a teacher at Mill Creek. I stood there with a completely blank stare on my face for what seemed like an eternity. I'm not a teacher, and not entirely sure where Mill Creek even is, so you can imagine my confusion. At this point I should mention that since I hadn't yet showered (what?) I had grabbed a hat belonging to my husband. Any guess what it says on it? Yep...Mill Creek. Love my life.

Swedish Duck Porn

2009-11-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

**This post title brought to you courtesy of the iNDefatigable mjenks.**

Where the hell have I been? I have no clue. I could blame the cold/cough that Stink and I are generously sharing with each other, but that's not it. Or our trip to the Emergency Room last night to treat said cough, but that's not it, either. I don't know. So let's catch up, shall we?

Hmmm...yeah...I've got nothing. Life has been pretty boring in these parts. So I'll do some rambling.

I think I've already touched on Halloween, but here's a few pictures.

Those were taken at an event the night before at a nearby petting zoo. Ordinarily I'd have more pictures, but my hands were frozen it was so freaking cold out. These were taken the next day, about 35 degrees warmer.

The day after Halloween I was driving and I heard a song on the radio and thought to myself, "Weird, I thought this was a holiday song." Next song up? "Jingle Bells." Why is it that every year I forget that one of our radio stations starts Christmas carols November 1st? I'm not ready for it, at all. I have no problem with the holidays, in fact this is probably my favorite time of year. But I just like to get through Thanksgiving before I put up the tree and hang the stockings. So what does my loving and supportive husband do?

That's right, all the living room lights have been switched out with red and green bulbs. This isn't even all of them. And don't get me started on the driveway motion sensor lights.

In other news, here's a piece of "art" that Stink brought home from preschool. A few questions and I learned that it was supposed to be a fence with pumpkins lined up on the top of it. He was bummed because he accidentally painted one (far left) on the bottom. I assured him it was fine, pumpkins are generally on the ground. Evidently he was fine with the pumpkin on the far right levitating.

Alright, I've got one more picture for you. And let's make it interesting. The ever lovely Mala is raising money for a good cause. (Scroll back to her 11/08 post, I can't seem to link directly to it.) I'll donate $10 in your name if you can correctly identify what this is, AND what I thought it was. (Here's a hint, this was done prior to Halloween.) And to REALLY raise the stakes, I'll throw in another $5 if you can tell me what word I thought it was. Mind you, I was lucid and sober when I laid my eyes on it, so I can't explain the train of thought. But, again, Halloween.

Alright, that's all I've got. If you're on Facebook and would like to know how to change your page to be in Pirate language, let me know. My nephew shared that info with me earlier this evening. It's entertaining, for a bit.

Hope you all are well, I'm gradually getting back "out there" and trying to catch up on what's going on.

(How come when I do spellcheck it picks up the word "Facebook" as being spelled wrong? Isn't that sort of an accepted word by now?)

Sexual Chocolate

2009-11-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

I figured that since it seems I'm only posting once a week, I could give you a more exciting title than "Weekend Wrap Up". Same shit, different name. But somehow it makes it more exciting. For me, anyway.

Back in my bar tending glory days there were lots of "regulars" that came in. When it came time to settle up, there was one guy that always produced a single blank check from his back pocket. After countless nights of watching him struggle to legibly fill it out, I offered to do it for him. I filled out everything except for his signature, but he eventually gave that duty up to me as well. What he didn't realize was that I took liberties with the "Memo" line. "Services Rendered", "Clown Porn", you name it. But "Sexual Chocolate" was always my favorite. Whether or not he ever found out about my shenanigans is still unknown to me. Good times.

Friday night hubby was off work and we headed to a Halloween event with my BFF and her two daughters. It was a lot of fun for the kids, albeit freaking freezing! Yet Sam never complained. And since it was held on the grounds of a petting zoo I was not at all embarrassed when he loudly declared, "This place smells like poop!" D-Dub got assaulted by a flying, flaming marshmallow and was noticeably grumpy the rest of the evening. Can't say that I blame him.

Saturday the weather did a complete 180. We hit two shopping plazas and one mall. Sam's candy haul is absurd! Then we stopped by a get together my mom was at. We left there with a huge bag of candy and a bottle of wine. Best. Treat. Ever.

Later that night three fire trucks went by our house headed east so we turned on the news to see if we could figure out what happened. There was nothing close to home, but there was a story about a house fire out south. We cringed when they said the man had 3rd degree burns on 98% of his body. We officially changed "fire" as worst way to die, taking over the previous worst way, drowning.

Yesterday was wonderful weather. Rather than riding his motorcycle, my poor husband spent 5 hours raking leaves. I woke up feeling like death. Thankfully, Stink kept himself entertained and I laid in bed. Feel much better today, but Sam and I both have a lingering cough.

Remember when I mentioned I was a bartender? (If you don't, you have some serious short term memory loss.) Imagine my horror and sadness when I logged onto Facebook last night and read a message from my friend that the fire victim was one of my old regulars. He obviously passed away, and I'm seriously bummed about it. There's going to be a "Cheers To Jimmy" at the bar Saturday night and I have a feeling that not only will there be a lot of people there, it's going to be a tear jerker.

Man Dies While Smoking Near Oxygen - NBC Action News KSHB-TV 41

In an effort to not go out on such a sad note, here's a picture of Stink as "Optimus Prime". At least, I assume that's him. He was with his dad when this was taken, so I'm just taking his word for it.

When we had him he quickly ditched the mask. His lame excuse? "I can't breathe." What a wimp.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-10-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

All the fun around here started Wednesday evening. I went out to the garage and noticed a few bugs. Thought nothing of it. Went out again and saw hundreds. Being a practical person, I updated my Facebook status then promptly took pictures of them and uploaded them to FB. (I'll spare you, as they were deemed "gross" by more than one person.) D-Dub (hubby) was supposed to get home early from work, so I did nothing about it. Needless to say, "early" turned out to be not so much, and by the time he got home it was upgraded to plague status. He had hoped to relax a bit and get to bed early for a 6:00am meeting the next day. Instead, he spent a great deal of time sweeping and blowing out the garage, spraying poison, and setting off a bug bomb.

That seemed to do the trick, mostly. Thursday there were a few survivors, so that night he set off another bomb. We still see a few stragglers, but they are moving slowly and I think I heard one cough. One appeared to be holding up a white flag, but I might have imagined that.

Saturday afternoon Sam headed off with his "other" grandparents and D-Dub had to work. I had plans to meet a long lost high school friend for drinks. I was going to drive to the bar, and he'd pick me up after work. Turned out work was mundanely slow and his guys were up and running so he bailed early. He dropped me off at 6:30, then picked me up about 4 hours later. I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had! I was very nervous going in. I mean, we chat on FB often and it's always entertaining, but you never know. She hasn't changed a bit in 18 years, and is as sweet and funny as I remember. She cusses like a sailor and drinks like a fish. Perfection! I didn't take my camera, and I'm happy about it. I'd hate to post a picture as you'd likely look at it and think, "Wow, she is lovely." Then look at me and think, "Aw, well, that's too bad."

Today D-Dub went to a pizza party for a friend turning 40. (Is that the new thing? That's the second one in 6 months we've been invited to.) I stayed behind and snuggled in bed and listened to the pounding rain. When he came home he said that the party was continuing later at, of all places, "Bar." Super. I showered and got ready and we met about 6-8 people there.

(I was going to take a picture but it was rainy and by that point practically dark. But I swear on all that is holy I will someday get a snapshot of that dump.)

Everybody was really intoxicated except us. The birthday boy especially so. Then a bit later his absurdly high as a kite, 18 year old son walked in. The kid mentioned the munchies, so dad gestured to the bartender and mentioned a "dick sandwich". There were other odd comments made and at one point somebody asked if I was OK. I later told D-Dub that I didn't want to come off as snotty or acting like I was better than them, but c'mon! I love my husband for the fact that numerous times throughout the evening he looked over at me and mouthed out, "good sport", and at one point whispered, "I feel a blog post coming on." Man, he knows me well!

We only hung out for a few hours then headed home. Watched a little Sunday night football while flipping over to the baseball game. I whipped up a little something to eat awhile ago and now we are full. He's watching "Storm Chasers" while I work on this. Stink gets back tomorrow and he'll be thrilled to learn that D-Dub purchased the new Transformers movie!

I don't want to make this much longer, but I'll sign out by telling you that while one of the most obnoxious guys was reliving the past he mentioned his time spent at a bar called, "The Back Door." Before I could stop myself I said, "OK, now that sounds really gay!" Laughter erupted and I mentally scored one for myself. (And if you think I have a an issue with homosexuality, then go away.)

Hope you all had a great weekend! What's everyone dressing as for Halloween?

Weak-End Wrap Up

2009-10-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

Throughout the day a whole myriad of news stories pop up on the screen and out of boredom I tend to check most of them out. Besides, one can only watch so much porn. But for whatever reason I never looked into this odd story. That is until Falcon was "rescued" and they showed a family photo. And my first thought was, "Man, they look familiar!" Then I realized, with complete shame, that they'd been on "Wife Swap" and that I'd seen the episode. Thinking back to what a total freak show the dad had been, I was not at all surprised. I won't bore you with my opinions on the matter, but I will say that I'm happy to learn that charges are being filed.

Instead I will bore you with the details of my weekend. Seriously, Friday night was so pathetic that my Facebook status read, "This is possibly the lamest Friday night ever." Luckily, my old friend Cindy was at home and just as bored. We took over her daughter's page and by the time it was all said and done I was crying I was laughing so hard. And for reasons that I don't recall, we were both speaking like Yoda towards the end. Good times.

Saturday evening after a yummy dinner of Tacos my guys retired to the family room and proceeded to watch Nascar. Cut to me up in the bedroom finishing up my book and occasionally glancing at whatever was on television. The phone rang and as I reached for it I glanced at the TV, which also displays the caller ID. Imagine my surprise when I saw my husband's name. I answered the phone, "Really?" He laughed and said, "Come check us out." I obliged and headed downstairs, trying to imagine what they were up to. Something very sweet or cute, I was sure. And this is what I happened upon.

Reason for the call? Another beer and more apple juice, please. I love them, so I took their order and delivered their drinks.

Sunday Sam was off to the Pumpkin Patch with his "other" Grandparents. Hubby took advantage of the wonderful weather and went for a motorcycle ride. I opted to stay behind and ~~do absolutely nothing~~ get busy with housework.

Sunday evening we lounged around and watched TV, and somehow I ended up making a run to Burger King for two hungry guys. Sam retreated to his room to play computer games and my husband watched "Storm Chasers."

And this concludes the wrap up of the most boring weekend ever. I would like to thank everybody for their concern regarding Sam and his junk. We are completely baffled as to what the problem was, but happy to report that all is normal again. But just to be on the safe side, and be able to get a jump on things should trouble *ahem* arise, he hasn't taken his hand out of his pants all week. Makes a mama proud.

Late Weekend Wrap Up

2009-10-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

Friday my husband took the day off work and spent some time doing some things around the house to get ready for winter. Then he made us beef enchiladas, refried beans, and fideo for dinner. Yum!

Saturday we had planned on going to the Pumpkin Patch. Here's a picture of my guys from last year. If it wasn't in black and white you could see how bright and sunny it was that day. In fact, we were all a bit hot towards the end of the day.

Here's a picture from this year.

Holy shit, it was cold! We broke out Sam's winter coat and hubby and I layered. We all set out with hats and gloves and thermals on. What the hell? Stink never once complained though and was a better sport about posing for pictures than he was last year.

Notice the hood in the background? How incredibly creepy looking is that? He was sporting the Unabomber look all day. Throw in a corn maze and it was nightmare material.

And this year was the first time that Stink was able to do the Zip Line by himself, and boy, was he proud!

Despite the risk of frost bite and potential hypothermia, it was a fun day. We scored and got three good looking pumpkins, small, medium, and large.

Afterwards we headed to one of my hubby's favorite restaurants, and at some point it hit me that we ate there last year after the Pumpkin Patch. A tradition has been born!

The rest of the weekend was laid back with not much to report. So I'll tell ya a weird story.

Stink had been fighting off a cold all weekend so we were not at all surprised when he slept in Saturday. He came into our room and immediately asked that my husband turn his computer games on. He obliged, and was doing so when Sam headed to the bathroom for his morning potty break. He came back and reported, "I hate it when my penis is really big." What now? He showed it to us, and I was speechless! We tried to go to Walgreen's Urgent Care, but evidently they don't treat such matters. Somehow, the problem took care of itself, but it's still baffling. I said it looked like an acorn, and my hubby referenced the Michelin Man. My dad called in the evening and asked about it. He told my husband it looked like "a lamp shade with a tiny light bulb." I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it was fiercely accurate and had us in tears laughing.

I had Sam pull his underwear down to take a gander and then told him to head upstairs to put some cream on it. Evidently, he didn't return his junk to his underwear, because as we're headed up the steps he says, "Walking around with my penis out sure does feel good!" Men. What can you do?

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-10-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

Earlier this evening my husband said to me, "I'm going to need you to blog." OK, what now? Seems he's read all of my "6 boring posts" from September. So, not only did I only blog 6 out of 30 days, but they were "boring." Go, me!

Friday night I was home by myself. Hubby was working and Sam was with his dad. I heard a noise and successfully freaked myself out, to the point where I had dialed 9 and 1 before heading upstairs to check out the scene. Needless to say, nothing was amiss. Which was a good thing, because by that point the operator was telling me that if I'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. I hung up and the phone immediately rang. Damn my dad!

Saturday hubby spent MANY hours blowing out the gutters, the driveway, the deck, and mowing and mulching the yard. My ass stayed inside and devoured half of a book. To reward him I treated at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We settled in at home and watched a movie, then took a stab at the DVR contents. It seems I drank my body weight in wine.

Today has found me feeling like complete ass. When I finally pulled myself out of bed we put on our leather and headed out for a motorcycle ride. Afterwards we got Sam back about 5:30. Hung out with him for a bit, then we fired up the grill for chicken and pork chops. I was still feeling "special" and after watching me struggle to open a box of Macaroni and Cheese for no less than 45 seconds my hubby asked, "Really?" It was THAT bad.

This evening we've spent playing online. My dad sent an email warning not to open any emails with "Invitation" as the subject line. Naturally, I immediately sent him one with exact subject line and the body read, "Did you open this?" He replied, "What are you talking about?" I laughed so freaking hard!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite pictures from Jamaica. (Wish I'd have flexed my legs instead of pointing my toes. Check out hubby's legs! Yum!)

And since my dad was out of town, I raided his picture gallery and came out with a pic that makes me laugh every single time I look at it. My baby!

Tell me that's not funny! Doesn't he look like an old, drunk guy needing a Scotch and a Cigar?

Swine Flu In Jamaica

2009-09-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

Alright, so it became quite clear to me that I should not have so casually mentioned meeting "some dude", and not giving details beyond that. So here we go.

Like I said, after a long day of travel we were both a bit cranky. And hot. We headed down to the beach side bar and were delighted that we were the only ones there. That bliss lasted about 8 minutes. Then that's when 5 people joined us after, I'm assuming, spending the majority of the afternoon in the sun at the swim up bar. Read: drunk and obnoxious.

*On a really bizarre side note, I shit you not, at one point 3 out of 5 of them took out their AA chips. What the freaking frick?*

I said there were 5 people, right? Two couples and a random dude. At a couples resort. That in and of itself should have been a red flag. But sometimes we're slow.

So the couples are chatting each other up and having fun, which leaves random dude, conveniently sitting to my right, to annoy us. Which he did, and he did it well. Within 10 minutes I knew his life story, which included his 17 years of Military service, 3 gun shot wounds, and one particularly tragic incident with a grenade that resulted in him getting his "face blown off." My husband, who is typically much more patient than I am, leaned over and said, "I hate this dude." So we made nice for a minute or two then politely excused ourselves.

We went to another bar for a bit then decided to hit the beach side bar for one more before bed. And guess who was there? Random dude, still without his other half. Luckily for us, he was finishing his drink and leaving. I think the complete look of relief and joy we both got was entirely too obvious as the other couple at the bar picked up on it. And laughed. And agreed. They'd met him and were also completely annoyed by him. And they had a nickname for him, Pig Vomit. I don't know why, but that's what they came up with.

Our new friends were Minnie and Carlos, and they were super fun to hang out with. We caught our third wind and decided not to go to bed, and we had a great time. That was Sunday.

Tuesday the resort was hosting an outdoor buffet with lots of live entertainment. Naturally, that was the only day it rained, so it was moved to an indoor location. We dressed "beachy" and headed out. We looked nice, right?

There was no dress code, and some people were very dressed up, while others were extremely casual. And one dude that boggled my mind. I only saw him from behind, but took note of his sleeveless, button up Camo shirt and matching hat. Classy.

When it was over we headed down to the beach side bar. An hour or so later Minnie and Carlos showed up. They had intended to go to a different bar but walked in and walked right out when they noticed Pig Vomit. Minnie went on to tell me what he was wearing. You see where this is headed, right? Camo shirt and hat.

We were hanging out with them when a nice Japanese couple sat to my husband's left. Then a minute or two later, I spotted Pig Vomit (PV). (Hard to do, what with all the Camo, but I notice stuff.) PV starts trying to chat up the lady, so my husband did what any good citizen would and warned the guy about PV. He'd already picked up on it, and a moment or two later they got up and moved. All is right in the world. For a minute.

It seems that PV (still by himself) was extremely intoxicated. He, rightfully so, felt that we all disliked him. And for whatever reason decided that my hubby should take the brunt of his anger. Because right about then is when I realize that PV is full on staring at him, muttering under his breath. Then the muttering gets louder. I was extremely uncomfortable, as we were sitting there not making eye contact with him, completely ignoring him. Which made him angrier.

This has gotten entirely too long, but I'll tell you that PV had escalated to calling my husband a "pussy", and he "strongly recommended" we leave. I give mad props to my husband for not once losing his cool. Meanwhile, Minnie was livid that no one was doing anything about it. She was ranting to the bartender that PV needed to leave or, at the very least, be hung from a tree. I also overheard her say she was going to cut his face off. I assumed she was kidding.

PV never left, but a bartender set him up on the other side of the bar, and security kept an eye on him. We grew tired of his shit so got drinks to go and had another, bigger bartender escort us to our room. Fun times. But the good news is that we never saw him again on our trip. Maybe Minnie really did kill him, I don't know. She was certainly prepared to do so.

Yes, that's right, at one point I heard glass break and then a not so convincing, "Oops." Bitch wasn't taking any chances.

Then when we got back to our room hubby and I took a picture in honor of Pig Vomit. Because we are also really classy.

Best Week Ever

2009-09-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had to be awake ridiculously early for something and you are so excited for it that you know there's no way in hell you can fall asleep? That was us last Saturday night. We'd spent the whole day having fun with Sam, then after dinner with my parents we bid him farewell and headed home. It was then that we played "drink as fast as you can in hopes that you'll pass out". That wasn't working, so we eventually forced ourselves to go to bed at 1:00am. And the alarm went off at 4:00am. LONG day!

We flew from KCI to Charlotte, where we lost an hour. Then on to Jamaica, where we gained the hour back. For the life of me I can't wrap my brain around that one. We checked in at the resort kiosk in the airport and waited for our bus to arrive. The bartender asked us what we "do for fun" at home. He then asked if we liked to "party hard", which is Jamaican code for, "I have drugs if you want them". It was time to depart so we grabbed our complimentary beers, Ecstasy, and 8 ball of coke and headed out.

(Of course, I'm totally kidding. However I did send an email to my dad when we got to the resort and I mentioned that everyone asks you that. I signed off with, "I'm too high to type anymore." I amuse me.)

The bus ride wasn't as horrible as I had imagined it would be, but it was long and we were worn out. By the time we got to our room we were both a bit cranky, so I wasn't surprised when my husband seemed disappointed with it. We decided to head out and tour the grounds, which quickly put us back in good spirits. And speaking of spirits, we headed to the bar. That really helped! We quickly met some dude, but I'm saving that for another post.

We headed up to the lobby area, which required scaling an absurd amount of steps. Seriously, my calves were burning! We grabbed a drink and sat on the terrace overlooking the ocean. Gorgeous! We were so tired and I was honestly thinking about going to bed when a quick check of my watch showed that it was 7:15. We caught our second winds and headed to one of the bars. We met another couple that were thoroughly entertaining and the next thing we knew it was well after midnight. A couple of "to go" drinks and we retired to our room. And that, my friends, was day one.

Here's a picture of the view from our patio. The quality isn't the best, and I couldn't figure out why. It wasn't until our last night when somebody told me that when you first break out your camera you have to wait a few minutes as the lens will steam up. Good to know.

And this is ONE of the flights of stairs on the property.

More pictures to come! Right now, I'm happy to be home and reunited with my baby, even if earlier he did throw a tantrum over nothing. I'm also extremely busy watching all the shows we recorded. How sad is that? The DVR was 90% full when we got home, and that makes me extremely nervous. I mean, gawd forbid I miss an episode of "Hell's Kitchen."

Hope you all are doing well! I'm gradually making my rounds and am glad to be back!

Wednesday Weekend Wrap Up

2009-09-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've really fallen off the blogging grid here lately. I haven't been inspired to write anything and I've even been finding it difficult to make my way around and read and comment as often as I used to. Forgive me.

For the 87th (or so it seems) week in a row my husband was supposed to work on Saturday. Combine the fact that he didn't want to, and that Stink asks him daily if he has a day off, he made an executive decision and decided not to go. That left my two guys playing soccer, baseball, playing with Monster trucks, watching "Transformers", and basically just having the male bonding time that they both love.

Hubby did have to go in to work and make sure that the guys were doing what they were supposed to be doing and that things were running well, so he took Stink with him. He took great pride in telling me he had "to go to work". The guys all get a kick out him, as he's such an outgoing little dude. One of the guys told Sam what another guy's nickname was. Stink later giggled and told my husband, "He said 'boob'".

When they got home we headed out to "Old Settlers". I have no idea what that means, but it's a festival of sorts held yearly not far from home. Stink enjoyed all the rides and I thoroughly enjoyed a corn dog. I fought the urge to get a funnel cake, as that's not on the diet.

That last picture isn't the best, but I have a reason for posting it. I put it on my Facebook page and a friend of mine tagged it. Know why? See that building in the background? The city is nice enough to put on a fun event that thousands of people may enjoy themselves at. And cruel enough to do it right in front of the jail. See all of us having fun? Suck it, inmates!

Sunday Stink went to spend 7 hours with his "other" grandparents. I only mention the hours because I easily spent double that convincing him to go. He relented and went with them. Hubby and I spent the majority of the day out on the bike. Perfect weather and I got just the right amount of sun.

When Sam returned we headed out to the annual neighborhood Ice Cream Social. That is SO not my cup of tea, wearing a name tag and being friendly with people I won't talk to again until next year. But there were a ton of kids and Sam always has fun. And every year there's a special treat for the kiddos.

A firetruck, baby! And per Sam's request, they ran their lights and sirens and honked the horn as they pulled away.

All in all, a wonderful weekend. I'll leave you with a picture of my hubby, enjoying a well deserved libation.

And one more picture. Whenever we play "Cars", I'm always "Sally", since I'm a girl. (That's Sam's deal.) Turn my back for one minute and this is what my husband does.

Yep, that's "me", getting nailed from behind by "Ramone". Nice.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend, even though it's Wednesday already. Whatever.

Thankful Thursday

2009-09-10T18:17:00.001-07:00

For about a week now a friend of mine on Facebook has been pimping out a friend of his. It seems that she was the winning contestant on a show called "Design Star" that runs on HGTV. I watch a myriad of reality shows, but had never caught that one. For winning, she had five episodes of her show, "Paint Over", run this week. With good enough ratings the show will be picked up. Pretty exciting stuff.

Also on Facebook, for several months now I've seen a few friends of mine post pictures of a little boy. He was obviously born with some serious health issues, but they were never mentioned and I didn't want to just out and out ask. Here's a picture of him the day he was born, and it had the caption, "Our little baby bullfrog."

And here's a more recent photo of him. Gotta love that face!

Then today I get a FB invitation to join the group "Winston's Warriors", which is a support group for the family of this little boy. The mother, come to find out, is also the woman that won Design Star! And you can go here to read her story. And if you are on Facebook, just search for the group Winston's Warriors. Quite a bit they have on their plate.

So, on this Thursday, I am thankful for so much. I am very thankful for my healthy little boy. He can drive me nuts faster than you can say, "I need a drink," but he's the best thing to ever happen to me, and makes me melt whenever he randomly asks me if I want "a big hug." I'm also extremely thankful for my wonderful husband, the second best thing to ever happen to me. He's a great guy and a loving and devoted stepdad. And patient. Oh so patient. A great man who makes me strive to be a better person. What are you all thankful for?

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-09-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Earlier today my husband said to me, "I took a picture of my meat." That confused me for a bit, but I eventually figured out what he meant. More on that later.

Friday after we dropped Stink off at preschool, hubby announced he wanted to "do something", just not sit around. We went and saw "The Hangover". Holy hell, that was funny! We then ran a bunch of errands, made a lot of stops, and somehow, I ended up with a bunch of new clothes. Rounded the day off with dinner out, then came home to watch some "Criminal Minds" that had been recorded on the DVR.

Saturday found us cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, getting ready for our planned BBQ on Sunday. We took my parents up on their offer to take us out for dinner, a "thank you" for watching their house while they were gone for two weeks. Totally blew our diets, but so worth it.

Sunday we had a small gathering of friends over. We had great food and a ton of laughs. I'm still full and still laughing about some of the things that were said. That is my idea of a fun day!

Today we slept in, took a short motorcycle ride, then got Stink back about 5:00pm. We had $75.00 (a belated gift from my father in law) to spend on the kid for his birthday, so we headed to Toys R Us for him to pick some stuff out. $74.24 later, and we were out of there.

After messing around with his new toys, the three of us headed out for a bicycle ride. Afterwards, hubby took off for a solo ride while Sam and I played for a bit. When hubby returned, I took off for a walk. I'd taken 4 days off from it, not to mention I tackled a steep hill. My legs are burning!

This evening was spent playing with new toys, and trying to teach Sam how to play "Connect 4", a game that my husband tends to kick my ass at.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) we are all "back to normal." I SO don't want to get up! I'm sure Sam will sleep in, which he needs desperately. When he stayed with my folks, he was up until almost midnight and still managed to wake up at 8:00.

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend! I was bestowed an award, which I will post, give thanks for, and pass on in the next few days. Right now, I'm entirely too tired to accept it properly. And since I teased you with it, here is my husband's meat:

I had every intention of snapping a picture of him being mildly inappropriate with the meat, but I'm a slacker and I slept in. What can I say? Mama loves her sleep!

I'm On Staycation

2009-09-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

That's right, I'm off work until next Tuesday. And I'm loving it! I let Stink stay up a bit late last night in hopes that he'd sleep in today. And? Success!!! Slept until 11:30. Jealous, anyone?

We've had a lazy day, hanging out and playing "cars", "ball", and "police". We headed out for a bike ride but the newly acquired wheels from my BFF made a few odd clicking noises. I got nervous at the thought of breaking down and having to push it home, so I opted to just walk our route while Sam rode.

My husband and some coworkers are volunteering at Habitat For Humanity today. Their company is very community friendly and will fully compensate their employees for two days of volunteering per year. I'm sure he's worn out, as he had to work late last night and had to be up quite early today. On the plus side, the weather is cooperating nicely. No rain, and it's not 100 degrees.

After preschool tomorrow Sam is going to be picked up by his dad, who will keep him until Sunday. Hooray for weekends alone with my man! Then on Sunday my parents will pick Stink up and keep him for the night, as we're having a BBQ. Should be a fun weekend.

I'm trying to veer away from any posts about my ex MIL, but it just wouldn't be right if I didn't tell you that when I got on Facebook today I had a new friend request. From her. WTF???

And I'm sure by now you've all heard that the Duggar family is expecting. Their 19th child. Good for them. Like a friend of mine asked, "By 19, don't they just sort of fall out?"

Hope you all enjoy your weekend!

Weekend Wrap Up And Wrandom Wrambling

2009-08-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to give this a go, but be advised it's midnight and I've been drinking. Let's have some fun with this, shall we? (Ya know what would be fun? If I didn't use spell check. I've already corrected 3 errors. Good times.)

Friday night after our evening walk, Sam, out of nowhere, asked if he could call his daddy. I tried to discourage him, but not to the point where he'd tell his dad I said no. I looked over and he was holding the phone in my face. I called, they chatted, conversation ended and Stink told me he'd see his daddy on Sunday, after the party. OK. More on that later.

Saturday had my husband at work, for the 6th day in a row, from 11:00am to 7:00pm. Sam and I had met up with my BFF and her two girls. We attempted a bike trail, but littlest kid struggled. We settled on the two bigger kids riding around a huge parking lot, while me and BFF and "littlest" sat in the back of hubby's truck. We went back to her house for lots of playing and laughter, McDonald's Happy Meals, and fun. Then Stink & I ran home to drop off the truck and bikes and loaded into my car to head to the grocery store.

At the store, we picked up a few necessary items and also some accompaniments for dinner. I also happened to notice a red streak on his neck. Again, more on that later.

We headed home and I was boiling shrimp and corn, making Tilapia and rice, what have you. Streak on neck is much bigger. Take the kiddo's shirt off and discover red, blotchy welts all down his torso and waistline. Annoying call to Ask-A-Nurse advises soapy bath, pat dry, Hydrocortisone, and Benadryl. They mentioned that might make him sleepy. NOT! He was drugged with glassy eyes, but wide awake. Up until almost midnight.

*I asked hubby last night if I could use his name on here. Some discussion ensued, and he relented and said I could call him "D-Dub", his nickname at work. Heads up.*

I finally took Stink to bed and was laying with him, brushing his hair back, stroking his obviously tired face. I have no idea how it came about, but I recall telling him how much I loved him, how he'd changed my life, he was a blessing, blah blah blah. Me: "Sam, I love you." Sam: "Mama, I love D-Dub." Nice.

Today started with us scrounging my parent's basement for things that our newly single friend could use, a great guy who made out with nothing. We came up with sheets, an electric blanket, full set of dishes (along with gravy boat), table + 4 chairs, computer desk and chair, lamp, nightstand, microwave, crock pot, skillet, and a sombrero. On the drive out there we found a perfectly good Queen size mattress for him. My smart ass mom also sent me out with and 8X10 picture of D-Dub and me and a tack. While no one was looking, I hung that shit in the kitchen. Enjoy, friend!

This evening I took Sam to BFF's daughter's 4th birthday party while hubby and my dad went on a ride, which included a stop at "Bar". Where my dad saw somebody he knew. Awesome!

At the party BFF's ex told me that he spoke with girly the day before and he asked what she was doing. Her response? Playing with "Sam The Person." I thought that story held pretty well on its own. Until he further explained that his parents have a dog named Sam, and there had been some previous confusion. Ironic thing? It wasn't Sam The Dog infested with fleas. It was Sam The Person. That explains the red welts.

We picked Sam up from the party and since we'd previously arranged this by email, dropped him off at his daddy's house. We headed out to dinner then home for cocktails. We were enjoying said drinks when the phone rang. Assuming it was a friend, hubby answered. It was my baby. Seems he missed me "way, way, way, way, way too much". I told him I'd see him the next day, pick him up from preschool in the truck, and we could do what he wanted. He first said McDonald's. I agreed, then he scrapped that idea and said he wanted to go visit my husband at work. I know my ex was in earshot, and I can't tell you how much that pleased me.

This has gotten way longer than I intended, and I apologize. I've picked up two new readers (which we know we all LOVE) and I totally intend to check them out. Rick and Shana, you have not gone unnoticed.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

P.S. Three more weeks until honeymoon. I have two people lined up to guest post. Anybody else want to join in on the fun?

I Make Random Look Good

2009-08-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had to get my car tags renewed yesterday. They never sent me the papers in the mail, so I had to go in person. I get there and go to "check in" and the computer says the current wait time is 3 hours, 36 minutes. Lovely. But they have this system where you can enter your cell and they'll keep you posted on your status "in line". I actually got a text that I was only 141 people away from being next. Hooray! I'll spare you the details, but I got them done and was in and out of there in 10 minutes. The system works!

While walking in there I noticed this guy completely checking out my chest. Then he smiled. And laughed. WTF? Then I realized he was reading my shirt. In sort of camo print it says: "Dump Him". Then under that, "Mission Accomplished". A gift I got at my, "I'm finally fucking divorced" party. I was pretty relieved, not gonna lie.

Speaking of my chest, when Stink and I went for our evening walk tonight I let him drive his battery powered truck. After having to carry him for the last uphill leg of last night's trek, I thought it would be a good idea. All in all, it was a success. The thing struggles a bit on inclines, but it works. Declines? I'm jogging to keep up with him. Or, more accurately, to not get run over by him. And I realized something disturbing. I don't feel the need for a sports bra. Rather, a sports girdle. Excellent.

Speaking of my divorce, my ex responded to an email my dad sent him. It was so out there and inaccurate, I won't even get into it. My dad has no intention of responding, but one thing has really hit a nerve with me. My ex claims that his dislike of my husband has to do with us having an affair while dickhole and I were still married. WTF??? I filed for divorce in March, '06. My husband and I had our first date in September, '07. Wow, I'm quite the whore. Granted we were technically still married, but only because he drug our divorce out for 18 months. Idiot.

Speaking of my home wrecking husband, he called me earlier and said that a coworker was backing out of his parking spot and hit his truck. The guy got out and assessed the damage, said, "Well, it did more damage to me than you", and drove off. Hubby was pissed and called the police to file a report. Which, apparently they don't do if it happens on private property. Everybody is mad at this douche for driving off because, seriously, who does that? At your place of employment? He's just thankful he didn't take the Jeep to work today.

Speaking of the Jeep, what is up with other Jeep drivers feeling the need to wave at me? The polite side of me feels like a bitch for not waving back but, come on! When I'm in my car I don't wave at other Chevy Cobalts! But I might start doing that.

Speaking of waving, eh, I'm kidding. I got nothin'.

This concludes my effort to blog.

Wrap Up, Randomness, & Rambling

2009-08-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

My weekend was pretty lame, what with Stink being with his dad for much of it and my hubby having to work Friday and Saturday night. Today has been a lovely day, attending a birthday party for a one year old, trips to two different parks, and dinner out. Evening walk with Sam while my husband tended to the lawn, and now they're playing monster trucks. I could make this the shortest post in the history of blogging, or I could give you a helping of randomness that you'll be able to feast on for as long as it takes me to come up with something to blog about. Let's try randomness.

In last weekend's wrap up (I could link to it but if you're seriously too lazy to scroll back, well, then, you're my hero) I mentioned coming across a lost motorist. We were out for a bike ride with my dad and decided to take an unfamiliar road after lunch. A few miles later we noticed that the pavement was ending and becoming gravel so we pulled onto the shoulder to turn around. Up ahead we saw a car slowly approaching. He came to a stop and rolled down his window and asked if we were familiar with this area. We sort of laughed, as we were in the middle of doing our own U-turn. He waved and went on his way. We were behind him and as we took a right onto a road that we thought would get us home, we watched as he continued going forward. About 1/4 mile down the way, we noticed a cemetery on the right. And I can't quite describe the feeling that came over me. Because, you see, the lost vehicle in question was a hearse. Know that expression, "late for your own funeral"? I'd never seen it in action before.

I honestly can't believe I've gone this long without sharing this with you all, as it was probably the funniest typo I've ever come across. Remember when I said that my ex FIL emailed my dad? In it he was referencing my ex and his crazy work schedule. He (the ex) can (allegedly) be on the road for up to two weeks at a time and never knows when he might be arriving, blah blah blah. I know what he meant to say, and that he had spelled it wrong. Spellcheck would have caught it. However, spellcheck let his mistake slide, since what he typed also a word. Needless to say, the email stated that my ex has a very "erotic" work schedule. Eratic? Not a word. Erratic? Yes, that's what you meant. Legally, the word "erotic" and my ex's name should not be within 100 yards of each other. I can't begin to tell you how hard I (and everyone else I shared the email with) laughed over it. Yes, we all agreed to ignore the email. So please praise me for my self control, as fighting the urge to respond with, "Just where exactly is he working these days?" has all but killed me.

Before mowing the lawn this evening my husband had to pick up a ton of fallen sticks and one large branch that had fallen. I'd never actually gone out back and looked at it, so I told him that before he did anything with it I wanted to see "the big limb". Won't be making that mistake again anytime soon.

At the birthday party that we went to today I saw a friend of mine that I don't see nearly often enough. She absolutely slays me and has been known to make me laugh to the point where I've almost wet myself. Apparently it's hereditary. Stink was playing with her 7 year old son. I'm honestly not certain as to what exactly went down, but they were playing when we heard a balloon pop and glanced over to see Sam bent at the waist giggling his ass off. He came up a minute later and said he'd laughed so hard he'd peed his pants a little. Excellent. And when we were all discussing age, my friend's son said, "My mom is still 29." Is brainwashing legal?

In an effort to lose some weight I've started walking in the evenings. Earlier tonight I commented that my legs hurt. When my husband asked why, I simply told him I wasn't used to being on them. He then asked me if my back hurt. I started to give him a serious answer when I realized just what a total smart ass he was being. And I love it when he thinks he's so hilarious. Which, honestly, he is.

Four weeks from today I'll be on my honeymoon. Seven days without Internet. And seven days not reading blogs, or blogging. Anybody want to guest post? My thoughts on it were that you'd spin a tale about an evening we spent together. However, the rule is that you cannot say anything offensive or that would make my husband uncomfortable. Which pretty much rules out PorkStar. Let me know if you're interested. And I won't be offended if there are no takers. Really. *sniff*

Earlier today the hubby got a text message from a friend. It included a recording of a message. Basically it was from "Blockbuster", stating that he'd had "Brokeback Mountain" in his possession for over nine weeks. It went onto repeat the title of the movie no less than 7 times. Hilarious!

This turned into a much longer post than I had intended. It would probably make for good bathroom reading. Just be sure to print it off, as I don't want anybody making the same mistake that Morninglight Mama made. And we all know that the lovely Bev won't be reading this on the pot, as she claims to never poop. So there ya go.

In closing, by now I'm sure you have all seen this picture.

But I bet you haven't seen this one. Upon viewing it, Stink asked how a monkey got into the house. (This picture would not be possible if not for Stuart's blog.)

OK, he actually asked how a chipmunk got in. But that reference was an ode to The Daily Wit. To be in on the joke, check out his comment on my previous post.

Alright, that is all. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Wordless Wednesday With Words

2009-08-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

Today was Sam's first day of Preschool. True to form, I put everything off until the last minute and found myself scrambling to get the multitude of forms filled out and school supplies purchased. I chuckled when I read in the welcome letter about some children and their separation anxiety. Not Stink. He's been asking me since last night "how many minutes or hours" until school. I can't wait to hear how it went. Here is the obligatory "First Day of School" picture.

We bought the lightning bolt shirt last night, per his request.

School provides the book bags. I've done such a stellar job decorating his. What with putting his name on it and all.

Lately Stink has taken to playing in his room quite a bit. He's got a TV in there, and takes a few more toys up there each day. That being said, it's not uncommon for him to be up there for an hour or two, sometimes poking his head downstairs to tell me something, sometimes not. Ahem.

I was sitting on the couch last night watching ~~Hell's Kitchen~~ CNN when I sort of thought I heard something. Something like maybe my name was being called. But I was really interested in ~~who was going to be eliminated~~ the political debate so I settled back in. A few minutes later I heard it again. Because of a story my husband told me last week, I had a very sneaking suspicion as to what was going on. That is why when I sprinted up to his room, I stopped to grab the camera.

Yep. I have no clue where the shoelace came from. The other day I noticed it tied to his bed frame, but I was in a hurry and didn't think much of it. Seems the kid thought it would be fun to tie it around his wrist. Obviously, he didn't think it through all the way. He tied it so tightly I had to cut him out. We're so proud.

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-08-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

Friday night I restrained myself from my usual over indulgence and debauchery so that I'd be bright eyed and bushy tailed Saturday morning. For the preschool Open House...

We all got up early and dressed a little better than usual. I expected to have my normal feelings when I'm about to see my ex (read: nauseous stomach, to the point where I've carried a large cup with me "just in case") but I didn't. Not one bit. I think part of it was some self confidence. I thought I looked pretty good, and on the way home when my husband told me I looked "hot" it was reaffirmed. Not to mention, I was walking in there with my good looking and well dressed other half.

The ex didn't disappoint. His parents weren't there, which surprised me a bit. He sat there and never said a word. Not when my husband handed him paperwork and told him to fill out his information. Not when he watched the teacher scrambling to find Sam's enrollment info, which he had sitting in front of him. Not when I made a special trip back upstairs to get him the calendar and guideline/rule book and gave it to him. (Something he could have, and should have, done himself.) Whatever. I think they're already onto him.

The three of us went upstairs to hand in all of the things I've had to have filled out. Twenty seconds into it Stink was bored and wanted to go back to the classroom to play. My husband took him back down there while I got things in order. I was almost saddened when I went back down and saw my two favorite guys playing together and my ex sitting at a separate table, doing nothing. Try engaging your son's stepfather, already! Get to know the man who is helping to raise your child! WTF? Whatever. None of it was shocking.

Sam left with his dad and we headed home. Changed into different clothes and headed out for a motorcycle ride. We scooped up my dad and went for a long cruise and grabbed some lunch. We had a really nice time, and encountered a lost motorist that I fully intend on telling you all about at a later time.

After the ride my dad came over and helped my hubby with a project he's had brewing in his head for awhile. Once it's all complete I will post about it. And also share with you a picture that made me laugh so hard I cried.

The project ran long, and the guys were hot and sweaty and worn out. We were supposed to go to my friend's 30th birthday party, but we were spent! We cleaned up and grabbed a quick bite to eat. Watched a bit of TV then went to bed.

Today my husband helped a friend move while I did nothing. It was heaven! This evening we had dinner plans at his mother's house. I cannot begin to tell you how much I enjoy his family! We skated out of there in time to hit the liquor store before it closed, since I needed wine. We were home hanging out when he realized he was out of Vodka. Cut to us crossing the state line to hit an open liquor store. All is right in the world again.

I have about 27 things to tell you all about, but I'm trying not to make this epically long. But I will share with you a little nugget in which I show just how bright I am. Enjoy!

I'm in line to hand in Stink's paperwork to the preschool when I look at the lady's name tag. It says "Mrs. Susan Floater". I giggle to myself, thinking how unfortunate her last name is. Then I look to my right and see another volunteer, "Mrs. Katie Sub". OK, what now? I glance to my left and spot "Mrs. Carol Notary".

Pardon me while I adjust my dunce cap.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

I'm Bored, I Guess I'll Blog

2009-08-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

First off, thank you all for the wonderful comments and kind things you all said about my brother. You guys are the best! Today is the four year anniversary. True to form, my mother requested to have Sam for awhile. She'd had a really close relationship with my nephew and was devastated when my brother and family were relocated. She often felt like Sam came along to fill in for Jack, but now she thinks differently. Again, thank you all.

I'll be so brief on the topic, as even I'm getting bored of it. I did go ahead and send an email to the ex MIL saying I didn't want to hear from her again. So far so good. Not so good was the (likely drunken) rambling rant of an email I got from my ex. He basically flat out said that one day he'll tell Sam just how cruel, selfish, and immature I am. Throw in him threatening to take me back to court and just how disgusted he is with me and my dad (?), and it was lovely. He also urged me to get counseling for my anger. Because, ya know, I've got a raging temper. So that was fun. I have no intention of responding to it, but my dad sure did. And copied it to the ex in laws. No reply yet.

Tomorrow morning we are going to an Open House at Sam's new preschool that he starts next Wednesday. And? The ex is going to be there. And I wouldn't be surprised if his parents are there as well. I'm really looking forward to seeing them all. *insert extreme eye roll here*

I'm unclear as to why or how my BFF has this picture, but she sent it to me earlier and suggested it would be an excellent gift for my ex. Click the picture for details. Thoughts?

A few weeks ago my husband and a coworker volunteered for Safehome. They were out in the grueling sun for 9 hours. I remember that day being so sickly hot that I didn't even go outside. And I remember feeling so badly for them. He just emailed me a link to the Safehome website. You click on "Check Out Our Great Volunteers" and you get this:

Geez, guys! Don't get up or anything! They sat on lawn chairs under a shade tree on a golf course. As the teams approached they'd say, "This is the longest putt", or something like that, and that was it. Rough day. Then the HR director had all the volunteers back to her (mansion) home for snacks and drinks. Ever the hostess, she made sure their drinks were never empty. Needless to say, he was well on his way to being drunk when he got dropped off. And? The (bullshit) best part about it was that he got paid his hourly wage for the day. Must be nice.

The other day I was going to leave you with this picture but blogger was being a pain. Needless to say, I was several drinks into it when I took it. In fact, I didn't even remember it until I was uploading pictures out of my camera. I remember it was an infomercial, but for what I couldn't tell you. All I can recall was pausing the TV and asking my husband to run grab the camera because, WTF, is that Wilson in the background?

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Insanity And Memories

2009-08-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

I won't bore you all with the details, but this whole mess has gotten out of hand. The kicker was my ex's mother and stepfather both emailing my dad and telling him how cruel, controlling and hateful I am. I've composed an email to her telling her I want no more contact with her, and that she can see Stink when he's with his dad, but I'm sitting on it until my blood stops boiling. So I'll tell you a story, and it shines a light on just how awesome my ex is.

I've mentioned before that I was a bartender for many years. The place I worked at had an annual BBQ. The guys would arrive when the bar opened (or earlier) and set up their smokers and grills. And generally start drinking. Early. In the sun. How good food was ever produced is beyond me, but I guess men are genetically programmed to man a grill no matter how drunk.

The BBQ was set for August of 2005. Because of some things going on in my life, I opted not to attend. However, my husband did. I cautioned him not to get too drunk, "just in case", and he knew what I meant and promised not to. Let's cut to midnight when I heard him pull in. Then I heard him fumble with his keys for several minutes before literally falling into the house. He stumbled to bed (we had our own rooms, but I was sleeping on the couch--more about that in a minute) seemingly unaware of my presence.

I woke up the next morning bright and early. He dragged his ass out of bed several hours later. His mother was in town and staying in MY room and hadn't come out yet. I had told myself I wasn't going to bitch him out, but I had given up that dream when a fellow bartender called me. I can't remember the reason for her call, but in the conversation I learned that several times during the day my ex had gone out to his van and passed out, then would return to drink more. Also? He walked out on a $28 tab. Needless to say, I was pissed.

I was slightly bitching at him when the (now ex) mil came out. She quickly caught on to what was happening, and went back to my room. She emerged a few minutes later with her bags packed, left me a $20 bill (for pictures I'd had processed for her), muttered that she sure hoped us kids worked out, then walked out the door. True to form, mama's boy went running after her, but not without first giving me a dirty look. It was then that I got "the call". I opened the door and my husband snarled and snapped, "Now what?" And I'll never forget that about that day. Had I not been so angry and arguing with him, I'd have been at my parents house when it happened.

And now, I present you a blog I originally wrote on Myspace. Obviously, it hasn't been two years, but now four. Four years ago Friday.

***It was two years ago today that my brother finally lost his long battle with cancer and slipped away from us. It was a battle he'd fought for many years. A battle that he was genetically destined to fight. And a battle that he had no shot of winning.

Around 11:00am on a peaceful Sunday morning, his body gave up the fight against the MANY tumors that were multiplying and invading his body. He was surrounded by much family. Family that knew of his struggle, had been witness to it for so long, and who had said their goodbyes to him. For the family members that weren't present, their thoughts and prayers were with him. These prayers were not so that he would "be ok", but so that his suffering would end, and that he could go on to a better place. A place where he would be pain free, where his body would not be riddled with horrific scars, and a place where he would be greeted by all the people that had gone before him. Hopefully, a place where our grandfather would greet him with golf clubs.

That particular Sunday was exactly one week after my son, his Godson and nephew, turned one. An uncle and a Godfather that my child would never know. Amazing how one day the house is filled with family and friends celebrating someones life, and a week later it is filled with people brought together by death.

After a particularly challenging day with my son, I find myself thankful that I have him, and hoping I must never endure what no mother should have to: losing a child. I find myself thinking of all those that went before me. And especially those whose time on this earth was cut too short.

If you find yourself reading this, I ask that you take a moment and think of my brother. Just to say "hi", and know that he's in a place where pain no longer exists. Also, take a moment to think of ALL the people that everyone of us have lost. In a perfect world, we'd never lose anyone we cared about. In a perfect afterworld, I pray that all these people have crossed paths, met, and are all sitting around and keeping an eye on us. And if that is happening on a golf course, even better.***

R.I.P. Uncle Mark
12/03/61 to 8/14/05

Wonderful Weekend Wrap Up

2009-08-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful weekend it was! Let's start at the beginning.

We got off to a slow start on Friday and headed out for brunch about 11:00. Sam feasted on pancakes with whip cream and syrup, then the wait staff sang Happy Birthday to him and brought him an enormous brownie. With more whip cream. He was so surprised and excited about it! We ran by the house to drop off our leftovers then on to the park.

We stayed there about an hour or so then dropped by the house for water and bathroom breaks. There we found a package from my brother and family. Hooray for presents!

Here's Sam and his OCD lining up his ten new cars.

Here's the "Special Police", in charge of pulling over slow motorists.

A "five dollar buck" from my Aunt Roxie was exciting. "Hey, I'M five!" Nothing gets past him.

And holding up his new Transformer from his cousins.

Moving onward, we decided to go for a "cruise" in the Jeep. We took the same route that my husband and I often take on motorcycle rides, but foreign territory to Sam. He was so delighted to happen upon a car that looks like Mater. And if you've never seen the "Cars" movie, I apologize, but it rules this house.

We came across a road side stand and stopped and got some sweet corn. Then kept cruising until we hit our destination, Ben & Jerry's in Lawrence.

By that time we were all a little sick of traveling, so we hit the highway and aimed for home. I'm not sure if there was a wreck or what was going on, but it was clear that traffic was backed up for EVER. Luckily my husband spotted it before it was too late and luckily we were in the Jeep. A little off road maneuver and we were good to go.

We got home and were scrolling through the caller ID and listening to messages. My ex MIL had called to wish Sam a Happy Birthday. My ex husband had called three times, leaving a message only the last time. We asked Sam if he wanted to call him back and he didn't, but we insisted. We giggled when Sam asked his daddy if he wanted to talk to my husband. I'm sure he politely declined. He also asked him what all the "boom boom" noise was in the background. I (not so) jokingly made a "Cheers! Let's do a shot!" gesture to my husband, as the ex enjoys his Budweiser and Southern Comfort. Stink then declared talking to him to be "boring" and they finished their conversation.

I was going to make dinner, but hubby declared it to be a "special day" so Sam got to choose. He picked spaghetti so we headed to a local bar & grill for dinner. We weren't in the door 15 seconds when I made full on eye contact with my ex. He was with about 20 other people, in what appeared to be an after work get together. Sam didn't see him, which worked out well, as that chicken shit finished his drink and left.

Towards the end of our meal Sam requested ice cream. I reminded him he'd had some just hours earlier. In keeping with the "special day" theme, my husband agreed to take him. We headed out for a scoop and then home to play with new toys. I'm thinking we've set the birthday bar pretty high for next year.

Saturday was the party. I snapped this before going to pick up the cake.

I had rented time at the "Emerald City Gymnasium", where the kids were led by a "coach" through various activities. It was a big hit!

Next up was cake and presents. (Elliott, cake picture was taken for you!)

Saturday evening we threw some Pork Fillets on the grill and had the aforementioned sweet corn and rice. The boys headed to the backyard to play with Sam's new soccer ball.

A swift kick from my husband had it go flying over the fence. He gave Stink a lift to go get it.

Stink then proceeded to take an hour and a half to do so.

Last night the boys enjoyed playing with the new monster trucks and "spinner" game he'd gotten.

Current monster truck total? 24. So today had me running to Target to get a new tub to store them in. Also have enjoyed dusting, running the vacuum, and laundry. Returned from the grocery store to find my husband yupped out and looking rather handsome. I thought perhaps he had a date. He took Stink and I to dinner and we're enjoying a quiet evening. I'm exhausted!

For those of you who are in the loop, I'll have you know that the ex MIL sent me an email yesterday requesting to spend the day with Sam either Wednesday or Friday, where they'll finally get the "traditional" birthday picture taken. I have yet to respond to it, and really don't want to. I feel juvenille ignoring her, but also feel like she's being such a bitch by emailing me again. I thought we were done with all this! My husband said if I reply to it he'll leave me. So there's that. He even mentioned that all my blogger friends said to ignore her. I just feel this is going to end with me looking like the bad guy that won't let Sam see his Grandparents. Whatever.

If you stuck through this entire post then I certainly tip my hat to you. I was going to leave you with a little something, but blogger is being a bitch and won't let me upload any more pictures. Spell check is not working for me either. So if you spot an error, blame it on the wine. And I'll get my bonus pic up when I can.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Challenge Fail

2009-08-06T12:58:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I suck at this. Part of it being that I don't have Photoshop. Part of it being that I just have that suck factor working for me. So here we go.

Dreamgirl over at Sweeter Living posted a challenge. Hop on over to her page to check it out or participate, but be sure to come back. In a nutshell, it involved hitting three different Internet sites to randomly generate your band name, album title, and album cover. Not surprisingly, it went very badly for me.

First off, because of the title of an article, my band name is...

Christ the King Sausage Fest.

Lovely. Next off to find my album title, which is the last part of a random quote. Ready for this?

"If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong."

So if you're keeping track, I'm in a band called "Christ the King Sausage Fest" and I'm dropping an album titled "It's Wrong." So how fitting that this is my album cover:

It definitely does seem "wrong", doesn't it. You'd really get the full effect if I had the skills to piece it together like Dreamgirl did, but I think you get the idea. And my challenge accepting days are officially over.

Here in a bit I'm headed to pick Stink up from school. Don't know how much I'll be around the web this weekend. Because in just "one more sleep" my little baby turns 5! My hubby and I have both taken the day off tomorrow. What are we going to do? Whatever the birthday boy wants to do! Saturday is his party, and at last count I think we have 10 kids total that are coming. Should be fun. Be prepared for a sappy weekend wrap up. And don't worry Elliott, I'll get pictures of the cake that you are so oddly fascinated with.

Before I go, a birthday shout out to some of my peeps! First off, have a fabulous day, Heidi Renee! Enjoy your weekend with your hubby and fur babies!

Second, get your drink on, Courtney! That spider bite is getting better and you've got a penis shaped straw. What more could a girl want?

Oh, right, you wanted a cake. It's almost ready.

And I don't want to forget Onebadmamajama. Her "baby" turns 20 tomorrow! One more year and you two can bar hop together!

And last but not least, a great big Happy Birthday to Travellinbaen. Don't want you to feel left out, so you get your very own cake. Enjoy!

Hope you all enjoy your weekend and I'll catch ya on the flip side!

Walk This Way

2009-08-05T16:20:00.001-07:00

A little while ago I had to run to the grocery store to pick up a prescription and order Sam's birthday cake. Right when I pulled into the parking lot the radio show that I enjoy listening to quit playing those pesky songs and started discussing interesting stuff. And I must share.

Seems that this lady took her laptop to the police station. She was concerned that her ex boyfriend had used it to view some inappropriate things. Namely, child porn. And did you catch that that was her EX boyfriend? So she was doing this purely out of revenge. That little nugget will make the story a bit more enjoyable here in a minute.

The police comb through the contents of the laptop and come across two videos in the recycling bin. They call the woman and she comes back down to the cop shop. They inform her of the videos, and apparently she got a real smug look on her face, likely because she thought she'd officially fucked over her ex. Then the police say something that I did not see coming. Ready for this?

"Mam, you were in the video."

I tried to control my laughter, as I didn't want to look like a total loon sitting in the car by myself. But I lost it at her response.

"Oh, the one with the dog?"

Holy shit I started laughing! She also went on to say, "I was really drunk. I thought I'd deleted it."

So the police found no evidence of her ex doing anything wrong, but did stumble across two homemade videos of her and her dog and a jar of peanut butter. She's now being charged with bestiality. And to add insult to injury, the police report noted that in the second video the dog lost interest and wandered off. Obviously, a male dog.

They started to ponder why it's illegal to have dirty time with your dog when I got hot (not in that kind of way) and had to head in. But not before noticing a chic pull into a Handicapped parking spot then practically skip into the store. Don't get me wrong, I know there's all sorts of reasons to have a Handicapped tag, but sometimes I feel like something is foul when said driver does a back flip out of their vehicle then cartwheel their way in. But then I remembered a time I was an accomplice to breaking that rule.

My dad and I had gone to the hospital to visit my brother. They were under heavy construction and parking was a nightmare. It sort of simultaneously occurred to us that we were in possession of my mom's Handicapped tag. Yes, I know that's really wrong to do and you can get an insanely expensive ticket for doing so. But we rationalized it by pondering how many hundreds of thousands of dollars said hospital had made off my brother. Factor in a certain surgeon accidentally nicking his spleen, which resulted in it being removed, and we figured they owed us one.

As we're hopping out of my dad's Tahoe I jokingly say, "Just drag your leg." I said this because it reminded me of an episode where Homer Simpson had done it, and it was funny. Imagine how mortified I was to see my dad doing just that. And not as a joke. He was dedicated to his ailment, and kept it up until we were inside. Never in the history of man has anybody ever had a limp like that. It was as if his leg was completely dead, and it took all his energy to drag it along behind him. I still laugh thinking about it.

I tried in vain to find a decent picture to go along with this post, but I'm not finding anything to my liking. So I'll leave you with this.

Worthless Weekend Wrap Up

2009-08-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

*Seriously, do not feel obligated. As predicted, pretty boring weekend.*

Friday evening my ex MIL forwarded me an email about a new trend in carjacking. Not sure if she's concerned for my safety or planning my demise. If something should happen to me, I've left her contact info. Please investigate. (But at least it would be better than being killed by a cow.)

Saturday afternoon several of my grade school alum had scheduled a reunion via Facebook that I (sort of, not really, not at all) wanted to attend. My husband had to work and my parents are out of town so I had no one to watch Sam. Too be he doesn't have other Grandparents that want to watch him. Heh. So I conquered my biggest fear and put on my bathing suit. We headed to the pool for the first time this summer. Because I'm an awesome mom like that. He had a great time and I got some sun.

Saturday night was a mellow one for us. Nothing on TV or the DVR to watch so after putting Stink to bed my husband and I chatted for hours. I absolutely love that about him. We can, and do, talk about anything and everything. And he makes me laugh.

Today he headed out for a solo motorcycle ride so the kid and I went to the pool again. Ran into a friend of mine with her husband and daughter. It was nice to have someone to talk to, and fun to catch up on gossip. And I kicked myself so hard for not taking my camera! I saw quite possibly the hairiest guy I've ever seen in my life. Walking around shirtless without a care in the world. Oh, to be so secure!

Right now I'm working on this while my husband cuts the grass. Sam just came in and showed me two "little beads" he found on the deck. Squirrel poop. Nice.

Lots of stuff on TV to watch tonight. Sam and I have a play date at the pool tomorrow, and several errands that we need to run. Good times ahead.

I'll leave you with a picture of Stink. Keeping up with the latest trend on Facebook, I went to www.yearbookyourself.com and uploaded a picture of him. I then proceeded to make him a woman. And my conclusion? He's quite pretty.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

This Just In

2009-07-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I got that follow up email from the ex MIL just as I had expected. Here it is. Names have been changed to protect the ignorant:

"Samsmama, I guess since you have not responded to my e-mail asking for Sam this weekend, my jerk husband and I will not be able to have our grandson? If this is the case and you are not going to let us see Sam, out of courtesy would you please let my dickhead son know that the only time we will be able to see our grandson, will be on his time.

The Wicked Witch"

Suffice it to say, I won't be doing anything "out of courtesy" for her. Not to mention the fact that she copied the email to her son and husband, so I think that should do the trick.

In other news, my parents headed to the Pacific Northwest to beat the summer heat. Meanwhile, it was 73 here today and 107 in Washington. Irony. Such a bitch.

While they're gone my husband and I are house sitting for them, and also making arrangements to have their refrigerator repaired, which crapped out the day before they left. I'd like to mention that if it wasn't for my husband's keen hearing and him questioning my dad why it kept making a noise every two minutes, it likely would have gone unnoticed and they'd return from a two week trip to a lovely smelling kitchen.

In totally random news, I had a dream last night that the KC Chiefs signed Michael Vick.

This weekend promises to be completely lame. My husband has to work Saturday, then Sunday he's helping a friend move. Since I'm so cruel and am not letting Sam go visit his insane Grandparents, looks like it will just be me and him. Get psyched up for an awesome Weekend Wrap up!

That's all I got, people. Behold the suck.

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-07-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

The email fiasco between ex MIL and I continued. I sent a brief explanation as to why I said what I did. She sent back a LONG, repetitive rant. In which she referred to me as "perfect", "cruel", and "controlling". I shared it with many people and the general consensus is that she's bat shit crazy. She ended it with, "Sure I'll hear from you again". Bet not, bitch. I seriously considered responding. Possible responses included, but were not limited to:

1) Fuck you.

2) You're dead to me.

3) Can you smell the bridges burning? (Although she probably wouldn't have gotten that one).

In the end, I decided to not reply at all. The silence is probably killing her. But, with much support from my spouse, family, and friends, I'm done. It's an unhealthy relationship and I'm not keen on having those in my life. Probably why I kicked her son to the curb. Moving on...

Friday evening was spent thoroughly enjoying my son. So much so, that he was still awake when my husband got home from work early. And Stink just loves him so much, it was very hard to tell him it was time for bed. So I let him stay up and they played. It was 11:00 before I put him to bed. Hubby and I stayed up and watched some stuff on the DVR. No clue what time we headed to bed.

Saturday morning, Stink blessed us by sleeping until 10:30. And that was...AWESOME! The two guys headed to brunch and then the park while I slept a smidgen more then piddled around the house.

My brother was in town for his 30 year high school reunion. (Yep, I'm the baby). Also in tow was my nephew, his 14 year old son. I called my parent's house and arrangements were made for my bro and I to meet husband and son at the park. We didn't stay too long, as it was disgustingly hot. So we headed to my parent's house. My dad and nephew were off on an adventure.

You see, about 15 years ago my dad purchased a motorized bicycle with a chainsaw motor in it for about $30. He ran it around the block once, and it died. Off to the basement where it has sat since. With some mild prodding from my nephew, they set off to the hardware store to try to get it running. And let me just say, SUCCESS! For a mere 80 cents, this bike that was manufactured in 1967 is now up and running and will transport my nephew at a speed of up to 30MPH. And I can't tell you how hard I laughed when my brother forked over a dollar to my dad and said that no change was necessary.

My bro volunteered to spring for carry out from a local fave restaurant. We all ate until we were uncomfortable, then headed out on the deck. Sweet nephew was an awesome sport and completely indulged Sam in every game he wanted to play. It was almost dark when we got home, and with Sam crashing about 10:30 we thought for sure he'd sleep in today.

Fast forward to him waking at 8:15. He entertained himself for a few hours, then drug my hubby out to the backyard to play soccer. I showered and got ready and we headed to my BFF's house. She wanted some male assistance in selecting a new TV, while I hung back with Sam and her two daughters. I cannot begin to tell you how well they got along!

***She let me borrow a book she'd just finished. I was bit intimidated, as it was over 600 pages long. I'm more than halfway into it. Seriously, one page I counted had 42 words on it. It's brilliant! Just a copying of emails this girl received over a year's time. Reminds me of some exchanges I've gotten into with some of you.***

Afterwards we went grocery shopping. After unloading and putting away $200 worth of food, we went out to dinner. Again, gorged ourselves. Took Stink for ice cream then headed home. Some outdoor and indoor playing, then off to bed. A trip to an amusement park is scheduled for tomorrow with said BFF and all 3 kids. Should be fun.

Earlier this evening my husband brought up our Jamaican honeymoon. The following is a transcript from our conversation. What? We keep a stenographer on staff. Settles arguments much easier.

Him: Ya know, we're not taking our laptops with us.

Me: Yes, I know. I'm coming to terms with it.

Him: It's such a pain. They make you open it up while you're standing there with your shoes and pants off.

Me: Your pants are off?

Him: They always make me take mine off.

Me: Um, baby? I don't think that's right.

***He was kidding. Seems he thinks he's funny. Seems I really do, too.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Balls, Eggs, And A Big Fat Mistake

2009-07-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

Shortly after picking Stink up from school yesterday he informed me that his "penis hurts". I didn't think much of it, figured all his messing around had finally gotten him that good racking he deserved. We tried to go out for dinner but the whining (and grabbing) were getting out of hand. I sped home and immediately set out to see what could possibly be the problem. And, um, ya...it was not pretty. Poor baby got bit by a spider in a very unfortunate spot. Some anti itch cream and liquid Benadryl have helped tremendously. But I really feel for the little guy. I knew it was bad when he asked to be taken to the doctor.

Earlier today my ob's office called with the results of Monday's blood work. My level is up to 10.3. Still not the 12 we're aiming for, but better than the 5 it was last month. Seems I'm ovulating, but the eggs aren't the strongest. I don't know why, but when I picture them I think of them being poached. I've now got a new prescription that I'm taking (be quiet, Kate!) twice a day. Hopefully that does the trick.

And now a tale about how freaking stupid I am. My ex MIL sent an email saying that she wasn't sure what plans I had for Sam's birthday, "Friday August 7th", as if I didn't know when it was, but at some point she'd like to come take him to get his picture taken. It's my year to have him, and we all know her son wouldn't accommodate my family if the roles were reversed. I got really irritated the more I thought about, and about how sick I am of always bending over to meet their requests and for what? Once my blood was properly boiling, I rattled off a note to my dad about the nerve of her, it's not like it's a tradition that he gets his picture taken on his actual birthday, blah blah blah. Hit forward. Or so I thought.

Seems that in all my rage I'd hit "reply". Delivered that little gem right to her inbox. Fuck. Me. Within an hour she'd responded, saying that my anger is obvious, she never expected a response like that, yes, IT IS a tradition, now she knows how I really feel. Oh, just kill me already.

I haven't responded to her yet, but completely plan on doing so. And I'm having a problem figuring out how it's a "tradition" when it wasn't done on his first or third birthday. I also plan on pointing out that she did the same to me once, in an email in which she spouted off, "She just has to get her little digs in, doesn't she?". And no one will ever forget when her genius son responded to a proposed settlement plan I came up with. It was intended to go to his attorney, and it's a beautiful piece of work. I reread it from time to time. But whatever.

My dad called shortly later to ask if I'd realized my mistake. I was completely clueless as to how he knew what I'd done. The icing on that bitch's cake is that she forwarded it onto my dad, with the message, "I think this was meant for you." How sweet. Never mind the fact that I may have meant to send that to my BFF or my husband. But that was her way of saying, "Hey, lookie here! Your daughter is a bitch. Thought you should know." My dad just laughed and said he thought of replying, "Nope. Wasn't meant for me. But thanks for lookin' out!" Love him. And in an effort to cheer me up, he told me the following story:

Seems HyVee is running some special where you can get 10 pieces of chicken, a few sides, and an 8 inch HyVee pie for a low rate. So he set out for the grocery store. Got everything he was looking for, except for the 8 inch HyVee pie. Went to the bakery and asked the guy where he might find the "8 inch HyVee pie." Guy responds, "Probably at HyVee. This is Price Chopper."

Genius. It runs in the family.

Sharing The Love, Award Style

2009-07-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

There are some blog awards floating around as of late and I'm happy to report I've received a couple. First up is from my biznitch Stacie. There were two stickers and I wasn't sure which one to grab, so I swiped them both. I figured I've earned them, since I'm forever pimping her out. So here they are:

The rules stipulate I have to pass this on to 15 people, or something ridiculous like that. Normally I'd be all over it, but TV and I are still getting reacquainted. Besides, let's be honest, are you really going to go check out 15 links? So I'm going to pick a few new blogs I stumbled across during my darkest hours. Meaning, no television to watch.

First off, I know that many of you already read Chris at Maugeritaville, but if you don't, you should. He's an extremely talented writer and I thoroughly enjoying reading him. But here's a little something I never knew. Seems his wife has a blog, too. Funny I don't recall him mentioning it. And she's very fun to read. Please go check out Theresa. I implore you to scroll back a bit and check out the "she said, he said" version of their recent vacation, and then follow the link to his. On their own, they are very funny reads. Combined? Holy hell, I laughed.

Next up would be to Dreamgirl over at Sweeter Living. I'm loving her style of writing! Her last two posts were tales of ultimate humiliation, yet she managed to make me giggle. She also runs a blog about celebrity homes for sale. Man, I never get tired of seeing inside the homes of stars!

Next I present you Mr. Condescending. I'd heard of him, seen his comments, but had never checked him out. And now, I'm hooked. His most recent post is a cool challenge, in which you host a party for fellow bloggers. I'm really thinking about doing it. I think we all should.

Now let me introduce you all to JennyMac. She popped out of nowhere and left me a comment, so I went and checked her out. Her blog is called, "Let's have a cocktail", so I think it's safe to say I liked her from get go. Pay her a visit, and PLEASE check out her post from last Friday. It is beyond brilliant, which is made obvious by the 100+ comments. (Oh! And she went to KU! Rock Chalk, baby!)

Hmm...there's a few more I want to link to, but I think I'll save them for the next award. Hope you go check these blogs out, and enjoy!

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-07-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Late Friday afternoon the replacement part for the TV arrived in the mail. Stink and I were giddy with delight! Of course, let that be the only night all last week my husband didn't come home on his dinner break. Cut to me, waiting up for him to get home. He replaced it rather easily, and when he hit "Power" and actual images came up on the screen? Color me thrilled. Stayed up a bit too late watching TV, but well worth it.

Saturday morning I got Sam up and ready to go visit his "other" grandparents. He wasn't thrilled at the idea of spending the night. I told him, of course, he didn't have to, but I hoped he'd give it a shot. Grandpa picked him up and lured him to the car with the promise of pancakes at IHOP. They took off and I immediately headed back to bed.

In the afternoon, my husband and our dads set out on a ride. I decided to stay behind, as I wanted to spend some time catching up with an old friend. Read: basking in the warm, glowing, warming glow of the television.

By early evening I'd received an email from my ex that he'd be arriving to town Sunday and would like to keep Sam until Tuesday. With that news, I was immediately ordered to "go put something slutty on". We had steak, shrimp, and corn on the cob for dinner. Delicious. We spent the remainder of the night catching up on things that had recorded during the week.

Today we headed out for a long ride with another couple. That was very fun, as I'm always the only female. I also discovered how directionally challenged I am.

See, I have this rule that we don't go on the highway. In the rare circumstances that it's impossible to avoid, we don't go over 50 MPH. That being said, going to places that takes 15-20 minutes by car takes much longer by bike. We'll be on back roads that I'd otherwise not known about, sometimes for as long as an hour. I always enjoy the ride, but it always ends in me feeling stupid. I'll be thinking to myself, "Geez, I have no clue where we are. Must be really far out in the country." Then I'll look up and see a sign and think, "Well, fuck. We're at the Kansas Speedway. Not that far from home after all."

We stopped at Hooter's for a quick snack of wings and fries. We made our way "back to town" (ya right) and stopped off at a friend's bachelor pad. He's been working on a stage and stripper pole in his basement, with the theory, "If you build it, they will come". There was a slight installation error. Seems you can only spin in one direction or the pole will start to unscrew itself from the ceiling. I cannot tell you how much this makes me laugh.

We stopped at "Bar" for a quick drink then made our way home. By that point, we'd been gone for 5 hours. My hard working husband headed out back to mow the lawn and blow out the gutters. I sat on my ass and watched "Family Guy". I was in no mood to cook so ran to Mr. Goodcent's to pick up a couple of sandwiches. We snarfed them down, as we were completely famished. Now he's watching "True Blood" (I'm so not into it) while I work on this, and am enjoying a glass of wine.

Tomorrow I have some cleaning to do, paperwork to do, checks to write, and am going to get my blood drawn to see if I'm ovulating. I'm not optimistic.

Stay tuned for my next post! I was given an award over the weekend and the rules stipulate I have to pass it on to an absurd amount of people. I shudder to think how long it's going to take me.

I'll leave you with something I found funny. When we pulled in the driveway after our ride, I commented to my husband what a long day it had been. He agreed, but said he'd enjoyed it. I told him I was really glad I'd gone. Then he said, "Now you have something fun to talk about in your Weekend Wrap Up." How freaking cute is that?

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Friday News

2009-07-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin to tell you how badly this week has drug out. I think a big part of it is the TV crapping out on Tuesday. I'm a little embarrassed at how much it has impacted my life. Sure, there are 4 other sets I could be watching. But the one that is ill is in the room I spend 90% of my time when I'm awake. Hopefully the replacement bulb arrives in the mail soon. I can't bear the thought of making it through the weekend. Like I said, embarrassing.

Having no television has added up to me spending an absurd amount of time online. I've stumbled across some great blogs, which has been a lot of fun. And as much as I bitch about it, I've been on Facebook quite a bit. I've been catching up with a high school alum, which has been tremendously fun. She's looking into starting her own blog, so I'll keep you posted on that. She's also returning to the area for a week in September, and I'm hoping to be able to meet up with her. I've also learned that some of my elementary school friends are planning a reunion. Despite being a total nerd during those formative years, I'm happy to report that I've been invited. And I'm seriously considering going.

In Stink news, the other night I was troubled by some loud noises coming from upstairs. When I went up there, all seemed fine in his room. Yet he looked highly guilty and something seemed wrong with his appearance. He'd taken off his shorts and was in a t-shirt and underwear. No big deal. Yet the undies looked different. To be precise, they were stretched out, as if he'd been holding bowling balls on his hips. Some light questioning led me to find out he'd been hanging himself by them on his closet doorknobs. I'm so proud.

In ex news, he sent an email asking how Sam was doing at school lately. He went on to say that he'd done a lot of talking to Sam, and that he knew that if he messed up he'd have to "answer to daddy". The tone of it was so absurd. I responded that he'd gotten nothing but glowing reports. I also went into how I felt like he really came across like a bully himself, and that he might want to think about that. I'm not asking for him to "handle" Sam if he gets a bad report. I can discipline him, and one punishment is enough. Needless to say, he hasn't replied.

In ex MIL news, she emailed the other day asking about taking Sam tomorrow morning, and hopefully for an overnight stay, if Sam's OK with it. She asked if 9:30 was an OK time to pick him up. I emailed back and said to make it 10:30, that would give me plenty of time to get him up and fed. She shot back, "We were hoping to take him to breakfast, but OK." Bitch, please! I simply cannot handle passive aggressive behavior. So I said, "You didn't mention that. 9:30 is fine." Ugh! So my husband and I will have the day together tomorrow, which I'm sure will involve some riding, and hopefully the evening alone as well. Which won't involve watching TV, and I'll bet you money right now that he votes for "Naked Saturday".

In Rubicon news, Sam and I had to run to the store for some diet coke the other day. He then asked me to take him to McDonald's, and I agreed. On the way there he very randomly asked if we needed to get gas. There was about a quarter of a tank, but I figured since I've been driving it so much I'd put some in. So we stopped and I filled up the tank. Then as we headed on, he asked me if we were going to the car wash. I'm a tad suspicious that my husband is planting these ideas in my child's head. Very clever, indeed.

In random news, I'm in the early stages of setting up two friends on a blind date. If it works out, I plan to quit my day job and become "The Middle Class Matchmaker."

I'll leave you with a video. It's an oldie but goodie, and never fails to make me laugh. Really hard. Enjoy your weekend!

A favor, please!

2009-07-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

So there's this blogger, and she's a really cool chic. She's nominated for a blogging award and I want her to win. Would you all mind popping over to Stacie's place and voting for her? Pretty please? I ask so little of you guys. You can vote for her today and tomorrow. She was barely in the lead but now they've quit showing the results and it's driving me nuts. And if you go check her out right now, she's got a lovely post up all about sucking.

*POOF* There go all my male readers.

Thank you all in advance!

In other news, I turned on the TV today and there was a POP and then nothing. Some bulb went out. My husband ordered another one but it won't be here for a few days. This has put a serious cramp in my style. And it hasn't even been 12 hours.

A few of you have emailed me and are having trouble viewing my blog. I have absolutely no clue what the problem is. And even if I did, I probably wouldn't know how to fix it. So I've got that going for me.

And in Facebook news, I reconnected with a friend I haven't seen in 10+ years. I'm very saddened to learn that she and her husband have split up after 19 years of marriage, leaving 4 kids wondering what the hell.

Also, you know how it will sometimes suggest someone you might know? I'm going to punch the screen if the face of an ex of mine pops up one more time. He's got a total of 10 friends, 7 of which are mutual, so I keep seeing his mug and am truly sick of it.

That's it. This is my 99th post. What to do, what to do for the 100th? But, to be fair, it will be post #102, as I've taken two of them down. So, whatever. I guess that takes the pressure off of me.

That is all. What a great big pile of crap for you guys to feast on. Hope you enjoyed!

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-07-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

I got this picture in an email from my neighbor. Thought I'd share. You're welcome.

(First off, thank you ALL for your comments on my previous post. I'm entirely too lazy (and a bit buzzed) to go through each one. Please forgive me. But I appreciate all the nice things you all said, not to mention the many laughs! I was admittedly nervous about throwing it out there. As usual, you guys had my back! Let's get on to the weekend!)

Friday night my husband cut out of work early and came home and spent some quality time with Stink. I absolutely adore watching those two interact. Their love for each other is so fierce, and I consider myself extremely lucky to have found a guy that not only loves me, but loves my son. And I'm so happy for Sam to have such a wonderful male role model in his life. I'll quit gushing now.

Saturday the two of them headed out for brunch and then to go get Sam a new pair of shoes. I spent most of the day doing laundry, which I don't mind doing at all. Carrying it all up 3 flights of stairs and putting it away? Not so much. But the actual laundering process doesn't bother me. And doing laundry always makes two things abundantly clear to me:

1) My husband wears a lot of do-rags.

2) I hardly ever wear underwear.

In the afternoon we took Stink to my parents so we could go for a ride. It was disgustingly humid out! I had decided to forgo wearing a hat and opted for a pony tail. We scooped up his hungry dad, as was I, so we set out for a quick lunch. I was a windblown mess when sure as shit we ran into someone I know. I just LOVE seeing people when I look like total ass. Throw in the enormous zit I'm rocking, and it was heaven!

We came home and showered up and were headed to pick the kid up when my dad called and said they'd like to keep him longer. We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant, the site of our first date. The place is tiny, 10 tables in all. They proudly claim that their food isn't the best (although we've both found things we really like) but that their fish bowl Margaritas are to die for. And if you drink enough of them, you won't care about the food. Hubby had two, which will sneak up on you, so I drove home.

Stink got dropped off about 8:00, and went to bed rather easily. The drinking continued and we watched some stuff on the DVR, including the season finale of "Harper's Island". For the life of me I couldn't tell you how it ended. This might be why.

(There were other pictures taken, but NO WAY am I sharing those!)

Today we dropped Sam off at my parent's house about 5:00 as we had a birthday party to go to. A friend was turning 40 and his mom was having a pizza party for him at a local bar and grill. I thought that was just about the cutest thing ever! She was SO sweet! She stuck around for dinner then left, then the drinking began. I'm telling you, there were times when I laughed so hard it hurt! Nights like that are the best! Over 5 1/2 hours and I only had two drinks, so I'll be honest when I say that I'm power drinking right now. I've gotten up to pee twice already.

Right now I'm struggling to get through this while my husband is watching "True Blood". Tomorrow we both have the day off. He's planning on going for a ride with some friends while I have tentative plans to meet a friend at the pool. Both hinge on what the weather decides to do.

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend, and I'll leave you with something that amused me. And I may be alone on this one, but I'm cool with that.

On Friday List of The Day updated his Facebook status. It was rather cryptic, and true to form many jokes ensued. Then it got around to someone mentioning a creepy Sesame Street clip. He asked if it was real, then she followed up that it was, and that she was forwarding him the clip. Then I put my two cents in about it. I checked back in Friday evening and this is what I saw:

List of the Day: Has a raging "H"

Some person: Hemorrhoid?

Show 18 more comments

Samsmama: We're all going to need to see that.

So, ya. It sort of read like he has a big 'roid and I want us all to check it out. But I was referring to the video. Nice, right? I need to go to bed...

Talk Dirty To Me

2009-07-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

Despite how I come off around my friends or my husband or in the blogosphere, I'm extremely mild mouthed around my kid. Bad language is not tolerated. Period. For the longest time I tried to pound into his head that we don't use the word "stupid". We made a compromise and he can say it, but not about people. So now he just says it about EVERYTHING ELSE. Annoying.

My husband took him to the grocery store one time. They were under serious remodeling and the place was a total mess. Sam looked around and asked, "What the hell?" Hubby fought back the laughter and told him we don't say that. So he now says "what the heck?".

Several months ago Stink spent the weekend with his dad. Upon returning home, my two guys were in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I can't remember the circumstances, but my husband said "what the heck?" about something. Sam corrected him: No, we don't say that. We say "what a fucking asshole". Hold the fucking phone! So a few emails were exchanged between the ex and I and it was drilled into Sam's head that was NOT allowed!

Now he's getting older and being around kids that have colorful vocabularies. He hears stuff on the radio ("Mama, what is birthday sex?") and on TV. I'm not sure what all he's heard or what he knows. But when he hears certain words, his head whips around and he asks me if we can say it. And if I tell him no, he accepts it and we move on. No big deal.

All that being said, I have a confession to make. And I don't want to hear a single word about it. Got it? I let him watch "Family Guy". The initial draw for him was that it was animated. He knows they say a lot of bad words and he knows he can't say them. I never gave much thought to how much of the actual content he was absorbing. Cut to last night.

I was down in the basement on the computer. Stink casually wandered down the stairs. He looked bored and I knew he was going to ask me to play with him. However, I was not prepared this:

***taking a deep breath***

"Mama, can we have sex?"

I don't even know where to go with this post right now. I was floored! But my initial reaction was total laughter. This only led him to laugh as well. I finally composed myself and asked him what he knew about sex. "Peter does it." Oh, shit!

I tried to explain that sex is not something kids do. He seemed to know this, and said we were just going to "pretend". I was DYING laughing. This made him laugh, but he was very persistent and kept dragging my arm. "C'mon! Let's go upstairs!" I'm practically on the floor at this point and tears were streaming down my face. He set the stage for us:

"Let's go up to your room. We'll lay on the bed and hug and kiss. And I want the lights ON."

So at least he can voice his desires. Nice.

We had a chat about it and he knows that despite it being funny, it's not something to say to anyone else or anywhere else. I'm praying that when I pick him up from school today I don't learn that he's propositioned his teacher. He quit asking after a bit, when I wouldn't indulge him. Then later he came crawling down the steps saying, "Goo goo, gaga, I want a bottle." And I happily cradled my little baby in my arms, completely blocking any memory of him wanting to get busy with me.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, it's Tuesday. But not having Monday off has really thrown off my week.

First up, two pictures for my sweaty assed friend, Whiskey Girl.

And here's two little gems I stumbled across that completely reminded me of Bev.

And just one that I thought was funny.

The end.

***Edited to add***

Here's a little something for Pork Star.

The end. For real.

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-07-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

As a rule, I absolutely must be in bed before my husband gets home from work. If I'm still awake and see his sweet face walk in the door, I will want to stay up with him. And that renders me totally worthless the next day. So imagine his surprise when he got home Thursday night and I was on the computer. He made a comment or two about me needing sleep, both of which I brushed off. Then I surprised him and told him that since he had Friday off, I'd arranged to take the day off as well. Yahoo! So we stayed up and drank and talked and laughed and had fun.

Friday we pulled ourselves out of bed at the crack of 2. That's right, 2:00. Apparently we both had some catching up to do in the sleep department. We piddled around the house for a bit, then decided to go for a ride. We headed out to one of our favorite stores. They sell everything under the sun, and were having a huge sale; no interest for 32 months on any purchase over $500. We decided on what we wanted, rode home and got the Jeep and headed back to the store. I won't gush about how wonderful my husband is, since I do that enough, but I'll have you know that I'm typing this on my new laptop. To show my thanks, I took him out to dinner. I also went on a evening ride with him, then also thanked him properly later that night.

Saturday we went for another ride, then headed to our neighbor's house for a BBQ. We left when it seemed for certain it was about to pour, but the rain never came. We decided not to go see fireworks and instead I watched a movie and he messed around with the dead laptop. He also did speed tests on all the computers in the house and it seems my new baby is kicking some serious ass.

In a couple of hours we'll head out to pick Stink up from his dad. Then we're going over to my parents house for a steak dinner. Since I took off Friday, I'll be working tomorrow. I never work on Mondays and I'm not looking forward to it. Hubby is working 11:00am to 11:00pm all this week. Despite being on salary, he'll get paid for the extra hours. He's happy about that, as new tags for the Jeep are rather expensive.

A quick funny for you. Earlier today he tells me the following:

"I'm watching a movie about aliens that I've never heard of."

Sounds (not at all) interesting. Who's in it, you ask? Not great with celebrity names, he offered up the following:

"It's got the X Files dude, the 7-UP guy, Stifler, and Diane Lane. Or maybe it's

***Are you ready for this?***

Diane Ladd."

I about died! I went downstairs and checked it out. Making it even funnier is the fact that it was Julianne Moore. He had the laptop out (the old one, mind you. He got that bitch to work. FML. So now my 4 year old has a laptop in his room) so I had him google Diane Lane.

"Oh, ya. She's pretty."

Then I had him google Diane Ladd.

"That old bitch?"

Seriously, that guy kills me!

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend!

The Worst Night Of My Life

2009-07-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after I picked Stink up from school he very politely requested that we go out for ice cream. It was hot and he'd gotten a good report, so I obliged him. Then we ran to the grocery store for a few staples (I staple a lot. What?) and because my 10% off groceries coupon was set to expire. Headed home and got stuff put away when I somehow got conned into going out and buying him a new toy car. I'm such a sucker for that kid.

We got home and I spent no less than 20 minutes getting the car and all of the accessories out of the box. Seriously, why do they package shit like that? I shouldn't need scissors and a screwdriver to open a toy. But it was worth it. He played with it all night, slept with it, and has been playing with it all day today.

Once it was open and he was busy playing, I settled onto the couch and turned the laptop on. And...nothing. No Internet connection. I tried not to let panic set in. I went down to the basement and rebooted the router. Tried the laptop again. Nothing. I started to sweat. I restarted it, waited, said a prayer, tried again. Nada. Right about then my husband called and I tried to sound calm as I told him what was going on. He was going to come home for dinner and said he'd check it out. I realized when I hung up the phone I was shaking.

By the time he got here I was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. Always able to fix the problem in the past, I let him go work his magic and grabbed a quick bite. I felt peace coming over me when he emerged from the basement. Then he said the following, "I don't know what to tell ya, the modem might be fucked."

I think I might have passed out.

Needless to say, I was unable to get online at all last night. Today, the problem has been fixed. Sort of. I can log on but only in the basement. It's not convenient for me to come down here, as Stink is forever by my side and gets bored down here. Would he just walk up 5 steps to the playroom, where I can see him? No. He stands next to me and complains he's bored and, "C'mon! Let's go play!" Wears me out. Not to mention, it's freezing down here. I'm wrapped up in my snuggie and I could still cut glass.

So I haven't been to any blogs today. And let me just tell you, it's been excruciating. I've been sitting around wondering what everybody is up to, what am I missing out on? It's a sad state of affairs. I'm hoping to get caught up tonight.

In other news, my ex emailed me back. Extremely long, and I've never understood why he chooses to capitalize random words. He at one point mentioned taking Sam out of there. In my less than sweet email reply, I told him that wouldn't be happening. Not surprisingly, he has not responded. He later sent an email and would like to pick "Mr. Sam" (that drives me insane for some reason)up from school tomorrow and keep him until Sunday. Looks like the hubby and I will have the weekend to ourselves. And that rocks.

***In the middle of drafting this I stopped to go reply to an email from Whiskey Girl. True to form, she sent me her standard, "It's Wednesday, you haven't posted since Sunday, get off your fucking ass already" message. She's so sweet. Anyway, I lost Internet connection again. Rebooted the router and we're good to go but, I'm not kidding, I'm freaking out a bit.***

In closing, I'll leave you with two random tidbits. Because I'm cool like that.

First off, earlier today I ran to this little nearby Shit & Get that no one ever goes to. I'm wearing a tank top and possibly the world's most unflattering shorts. I look like I'm carrying a load. Anyway, the place was packed. And the absolute hottest guy was in line behind me. OK, honestly? It was some punk kid who was prepaying for $5 worth of gas. But still.

Second, last night Stink was playing contently when out of the clear blue he looked at me and asked, in all seriousness, "Mama, wouldn't it be boring if you were a frog?"

That's all I got. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend!

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-06-28T16:43:00.001-07:00

Friday night my husband took off work extremely early and came home and scooped up Stink to go out for ice cream. I was sitting here minding my business when I heard my cell phone ring. I can't tell you how weird that is. After averaging 7 minutes of usage a month, I switched to a prepaid plan. I instructed all the people that call me (my husband and dad) not to unless it was a total emergency. I went and looked at the missed call and had no idea who it was. No message was left.

A bit later it rings again. I went and looked and the number seemed familiar. I checked my phone book and sure enough, it was my ex's cell. And the previous number was his home phone. Again, no message. He called one more time and still didn't leave a message. I can count on one finger the amount of times he's called me since our first appearance in court. Interesting how he didn't ever leave a message or call the house. God forbid my husband (who wouldn't take his shit) answer or I'd record his verbal abuse. Again.

Saturday I sent him a quick email explaining why I didn't answer (meaning I lied and said my phone wasn't even on) and again provided him my home phone number. My husband went on a "man date" to go see the new Transformers movie. Stink and I had a birthday party to attend. He had a blast but because of the lighting I'm not sure if the pictures turned out OK. Honestly, I'm too lazy to mess with it right now.

Saturday night we dropped Stink off for a slumber party with my parents. We enjoyed a nice dinner out then attempted to go for a ride. A few minutes from home we began getting pelted with rain so it was cut short. We proceeded to get our drink on and watch some TV.

We slept in today, which was much needed. My husband took Stink over to his mom's house for awhile and had Tacos. Earlier a nearby church was hosting an Open House/Ice Cream Social. For a $1 donation they had Snow Cones, hot dogs, face painting, bouncey houses, all sorts of stuff. Stink was excited to see "Miss Gayle", his favorite teacher at school. She's the one that left me a note about his behavior. The note I mentioned in my email to my ex. Any idea where this is headed?

After I stood in line forever to get hot dogs we went outside and got a table in the shade. My husband tells me that they briefly chatted with Miss Gayle. He then floored me with what he said next. She couldn't go into detail because Stink was standing right there, but guess who called her Friday night? I inhaled my hot dog then went back inside to track her down. Color me fucking mortified.

Seems she was out to dinner with friends when her cell phone rang. Not recognizing the number she went ahead and answered it. Her first question to me was why in the world I'd give him her cell phone number. What now? I most certainly did NOT give him her number. So how in the hell he got it remains the world's biggest mystery. And a bit terrifying.

OK, so then she tells me that he went off on her for "45 minutes." The woman next to her was obviously with her at dinner and said it "wasn't quite that long." Regardless, why she didn't hang up on him I have no clue. But, anyway, long story short, my ex is a psycho. He ranted like a fucking lunatic, saying that she's on "my side" and she likes all of us more than him. To be fair, that's completely true, but what kind of adult talks like that? Oh. Right.

She has met him before and put her PhD to use and diagnosed him an "idiot". At an open house event at school he behaved like an arrogant schmuck and declared, "How much is this place? I'll pay for 6 months of it right now." When he was to have him on a school day last week I shot him an email and said that if asked (which I knew he wouldn't be) to let them know I'd bring a check by. I was not at all surprised when he didn't respond or offer to pay for a week.

So he yelled a bunch, said he's not to blame for Stink acting up. Mentioned he's only cussed in front of him once. (That would be the time that Stink repeated the charming phrase, "what a fucking asshole.") He again mentioned that he could pay for it all, then also threatened that he could "yank Sam out of there." Which, um, no, he can't.

She really didn't want to talk about it and seemed visibly shaken by the whole thing. I apologized repeatedly and told her I owed her a bottle of wine. Now I'm sitting here thinking about how his anger has not diminished a bit in the 3+ years we've been separated. I also imagine a future of me apologizing to teachers and principals and other parents. Lovely.

Other than that, pretty mellow weekend for use. I have avoided almost all coverage of the celebrity deaths. Except for Friday night. I was looking at the latest US Weekly and MJ just happened to be in it. Naturally, in the "Fashion Police" section. Stink was looking at it and chuckling. Meanwhile, the TV was on E. They were showing a million pictures and clips of him and playing his music. Stink kept looking back and forth between the magazine and the TV. Finally stopped, looked at me and asked, "Mama, why does she keep changing?" Priceless.

I'm going to pimp out my friend again. She started a blog and I know it's going to be awesome. Today marked her second post and it's brilliant. She has an excellent theory on what happened to Billy Mays. I think she might be onto something.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Finally Fecking Friday

2009-06-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, did ya guys hear? Michael Jackson died. Seriously, I'm so sick of hearing about it. Even The Weather Channel announced it. Poor Farrah, she really had her thunder stolen. But I have to share something I read about MJ today, because I choked I laughed so hard. I know it wasn't supposed to be funny, but c'mon! Whoever wrote this could not have done so with a straight face:

"But Jackson's reputation as a singer and dancer was overshadowed in recent years by his increasingly abnormal appearance, and bizarre lifestyle, which included his friendship with a chimp and a preference for the company of children."

I think the "friendship with a chimp" thing is what got me. So subtly written, yet so absurd at the same time. Brilliant.

In other news, I picked Stink up from "new school" yesterday and got a note from his teacher. Seems he was a little asshole on Tuesday and offered up as his excuse, "Daddy and I fight all the time." His offenses included kicking 3 kids. Nice. So I tried my hardest to compose an email to my douchebag of an ex that didn't make it sound like he's to blame. Even though he's to blame. I'm still waiting for a reply, if he even chooses to do so. I'm sure it will be incredibly mature and well composed though.

I read the funniest thing yesterday. A little something the lovely Mala wrote. Hilarious! The pictures completely sealed the deal for me.

No big plans this weekend. Just going to try to stay inside and out of this heat. Have a 90 minute birthday party tomorrow that will hopefully be fun for Stink. I've got the DVR set up to record "Dazed & Confused" tomorrow. I've never seen it.

***Edited to Add***I have an amazingly hysterical friend that I coerced into starting a blog. She put her first post up today and I'm beyond floored. Although, not really. I expected nothing less. Go check it out here. You will be glad you did. Be the first to follow! I'm trying to figure out a way to do it where I don't "out" myself.***

In closing, if I could have picked two celebrities to croak in one day, I would have gone a different route. I'm using the term "celebrity" very loosely, despite hearing him say they are in the same ranks as "Brand and Angie." Um, OK.

Wednesday Ramblings

2009-06-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was busy donating blood whilst reading to the blind, in between phone calls to raise money for March of Dimes when I got the following email:

"So I'm sitting here wondering why in the hell it's Wednesday and you haven't posted since Sunday. You do realize that's entirely too long to go with out posting right? Come one woman - I'm dying here. Put the bottle of booze down and get to typing already."

Geez, my bad, Courtney! I'll see what I can do. Obviously, no pressure. Oh, and if you want to see Courtney's slinky underwear, just click on over to her.

Alright, now that all the guys are gone, I wanna talk about my period. I'm totally kidding. I really do want to talk about it, but I'll refrain. Unless I have a lurking reader who's an OB/GYN. No? Alright, let's move on.

Monday I went to go pick up my passport photo redo. WTF? Realistically, there's no way it could be as bad as the first one, but I don't recall it being that bad when I previewed it. I give up. I take comfort in knowing that everyone else says theirs is bad. Even my husband's isn't that great. But it's a far cry from his previous one, with his hair down to his ass. (One of my favorite moments ever is showing that picture to Stink and asking who it was. He thought for a second, then guessed my husband's sister. I about died.)

I've been battling my thermostat to try to come up with a way to not sweat on one level and see your breath on another. I thought that turning it to 72 in the evening was working pretty well. We weren't freezing and could sleep well. It just starts to get stuffy as I wake up so then I turn it to 70. Woke up yesterday and went to change it. Heard the biggest BANG ever. I'll spare you the boring details (probably too late for that) but it was 9 hours before it was fixed. Without the outdoor temp being 101, it got to 83 in here. It was 79 when I went to bed. I was delighted to wake up freezing. I'm not looking forward to the bill to repair it. This is the second AC problem we've had since buying the Jeep. Sensing a cruel coincidence?

I'm heading out in about an hour to go get Stink from his dad. I can't remember the last time I went, let alone by myself. He's a bit of a loose cannon, and nobody ever wanted me to go alone. Not to mention, he makes the goodbye so long and dramatic. Stink is always a sobbing mess. Make me feel bad for the kid and makes me feel like an ass. To try to curb the sob fest, we've taken to bribing him. My parents go get him for me and they always have a little something in the car for him. I've heard he hardly looks back now. It just makes it easier. So anyway, I'm taking the Jeep to go get him. Score one for Mama!

I'm glad it's Wednesday. Two more days until the weekend! I think my hubby has to work Saturday, which sucks. I'm taking Sam to a birthday party in the afternoon. Should be interesting. I don't know any of the kids or the parents. I hope they aren't all snobby. I sent the mom an email asking what the daughter would like and she fired back about 87 things. But, "Don't feel like you need to bring anything big." Um, sure don't, stranger.

Hmmm, I bet Courtney is sort of kicking herself right about now. You put the pressure on me to blog and what you get is a big steaming pile of shit. I think we've all learned a lesson here today. You're welcome.

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-06-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Friday night my husband got home from work a little bit early. Meaning, I was still surprisingly sober. We watched a little bit of TV then found ourselves in the kitchen making drinks and chatting about everything under the sun. At one point I mentioned needing to run and pick up my "redo" of my passport photo. I looked up to see him doing his best imitation of what the horrid original looked like.

OK, it wasn't quite that like that. He gave it another go.

That effort was pretty good, but not quite capturing my flared nostrils, lazy eye combo I had going on.

This was a much better try. Except by now he's laughing really hard.

Which makes me laugh, which makes him laugh harder.

So we gave up, as we were both crying. In the spirit of Father's Day, I combined his love of two things and made him very happy. (Don't ask) And off to bed we were.

Saturday we had a wedding to go to. I won't get into all of the ceremony details. Doesn't matter. We headed to the reception and FINALLY found it. Awful directions combined with road closures made it almost impossible. Luckily we were in the Jeep, as we literally had to go off road to get past the "Road Closed" signs. We got there and sat. And sat. And sat some more. We waited over an hour for the bridal party go get there. Meanwhile, the bar wasn't open, and the Chex Mix (what now?) that they had on the tables was stale. My husband asked roughly 15 times to leave, but I really thought it would pick up.

They finally opened the bar and he went to grab a beer. Came back to the table and took a drink. "It's not very cold." I knew it wasn't going to get any better. I told him to finish it and we'd leave. I blinked and it was gone. Another couple decided to bail with us and we went and grabbed a bite to eat and headed home.

So, to summarize our exciting, kid free night out. Cost of wedding gift: $50. Cost of dinner: $34. Cost of gas: $18. Time home: 8:30.

We settled in and watched "Harper's Island." I'm somewhat certain we are the only people in America that watch it. Had a few drinks and went to bed.

Today, Father's Day, we had made plans to go for a motorcycle ride with my dad and his dad. Despite the temperature being close to 100, we decided we'd go "for a bit." We scooped up my dad and then went to get his. The guys decided to go have lunch at one of their favorite BBQ joints. I figured we'd make the 20-30 minute cruise there, eat, take an alternate route back, be done. Fast forward to us pulling into our driveway. Four and a half hours later! We were hot, sweaty, sun burned, tired, just lovely. So hot that when I opened the garage door and the AC hit me, I actually said, "Man! This feels GOOD!"

***Before we headed it out, in an attempt to assure my dad I had copious amounts of sunscreen applied, I told him I'd put on plenty of "80 proof." My SPF was 80. But, geez, "80 proof." Drink much?***

***At one point at a red light my dad made a comment about being in the "final stretch." When we started to go I mumbled to my husband, "Yep, only 70 more blocks to go." He pointed out what an optimist I am and then mocked what I said. I was surprised to learn that when I'm snarky I sound an awful lot like Marge Simpson.***

We hopped in the Jeep and went back to my parents. Chatted for a bit, exchanged gifts, etc. (My mom wrote the NICEST card to my husband!) We mentioned hitting a Mexican joint we like and asked if they'd like to join. Mom didn't want to but my dad came along. Very good meal, delicious Margarita, home again. We're showered and fresh and hubby is watching "True Blood."

In closing, I dedicate a picture to the wonderfully awesome Bevtastic. She has a picture on her recent post that she wondered if anybody else thought it looked "wrong." And, no, she's not the only one. I took this awhile back at a school carnival Stink and I crashed. Why did I take it? Because it looked so wrong.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! And, again, to my male readers with offspring, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

Feck Off, Friday. Random Stuff.

2009-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am so glad the weekend is here. This week has seemed to just crawl by at the slowest pace. It's disgustingly hot and rain is possible. That makes it humid as hell and does wonders for my hair.

This morning Stink got picked up by his "other grandma", my ex MIL. He'll be gone until I pick him up from "school" on Tuesday. Although I always miss the little shit, I welcome the breaks. He's going through the ever annoying phase of saying "poop" about 100 times a day. It's getting old. And he wants to go out and play every night. Have I mentioned how freaking hot it is? And I'm a total wuss and can't stand it. OH! And he's started mooning us all the time, then saying, "You got mooned", in this goofy little voice.

*Incidentally, while backing out of my fairly large double driveway, ex MIL managed to knock over both of our trash cans. To her credit, she got out and picked them up, but still. Way to drive.*

Later today I'm going to go get my picture taken for my passport. It will be my second attempt. The first picture was so bad I threw it away. I can't even duplicate the look I had on my face.

Tomorrow night we have a wedding to go to. I have to drive, which sucks. But it's a friend of my husbands so I'll let him get his party on. I'm thinking we'll take the Jeep.

No plans for Father's Day. I imagine my hubby will want to go for a ride, likely with his dad and mine. I guess that will make all the guys happy. This time I will wear sunscreen, as my skin is finally done peeling off.

*Father's Day weekend marks the 20th anniversary since my cousin was killed.*

Since there is absolutely nothing on TV in the evenings, I've taken to watching "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here." It's awful, but I'm addicted. Janice Dickinson is certifiably insane.

Yesterday I remembered that we have HBO. I watched "Breakfast Club". Twice.

Our house is multi-leveled and it sucks in the summer. To keep the bedroom (top) level cool, the thermostat is set at 70. That's not bad at all, as I could have sworn it was usually at 68. Regardless, a few levels down, in the room we hang out in, it's fucking freezing. We're walking around in our Snuggies. Need to go down a level to do laundry? (Or, for my poor husband, get to his bathroom, clothes, and computer.) Grab a parka. Seriously, you could hang meat down there.

I'm so bummed "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" is done with. I guarantee you Danielle has gotten paid for sex in the past. If no one else watches, I apologize. Well, no I don't.

I'm so annoyed with a Facebook friend I have and the way she's forever posting about how lucky she is to be married to such a hard working man so she can stay home with her two kids. I guess things slowed down because his hours as line cook have been cut back. Now she's constantly posting about being worried about money. Strangely enough, she's also posting about excitement for their upcoming 8 day Florida vacation and always begging people to come over for steaks and chicken on the grill. I won't get into all of her religious posts.

Stink was messing around with my "boob holder" the other night and I told him to stop or he'd stretch it out. I'm not even sure that's possible, but he was annoying me. Anyway, he looked at me and asked, "How? With my enormous head?"

Tomorrow is our nine month wedding anniversary and also marks 3 months until our honeymoon. The diet starts Monday. Although there's little chance of me wearing a bikini, I'd just like to not have to take my maternity swimsuit.

It seems I haven't been posting about drinking as much lately. The lovely Matter of Fact Mommy sent an email with the subject line, "Are you knocked up?" That's love, right there. Rest assured, dear readers, I'm still drinking. (By the way MoFM has a new post up today. Hi-fucking-larious)

Alright, I'm done rambling. I have to pee so badly I'm sitting on my foot. Hope you all enjoy your weekends! To you manly readers, Happy Father's Day! To my husband, I love you so much! Thank you for being so wonderful to Sam. P.S. MoFM suggested the perfect gift that all men want. You're going to be happy. ;)

Road Rage, Rides, Rubicon, Random Rambling

2009-06-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

Today was the first time I've driven the new Jeep. I was practically shaking as I backed out of the garage, I was so nervous something was going to happen. I once mentioned to BatGirl that if anything happened to it "on my watch" my husband would probably leave me. I repeated that to him and he chuckled. But he didn't tell me I was wrong.

After a few miles I was cruising along, actually enjoying it. I was headed to pick Stink up from "school". I knew they'd be around back playing on the playground, so I took the second entrance and pulled up right there. He didn't notice me at first, but when he did his already enormous eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. He declared, loudly, "You're in the Rubicon??" (Thanks to my dad for teaching him that one.) As we drove off the whole gaggle of kids were hooting and hollering and waving at him. He's very well liked there, but throw in the fact that he got picked up in a Jeep? Big man on campus. And his "girlfriend", Bella, was super excited! It's so cute.

On the way back home I spied another red Jeep coming towards me. When it passed, the guy gave me the peace sign. Are you kidding me? I already give the "low peace" on the motorcycle. I didn't for awhile, until my husband told me that when I don't the other rider is probably thinking, "Bitch", so now I do. And I know that boaters do it, which I find really stupid. I mean, you're on the water. Odds of seeing a boat? Not too shabby. But now I've got to do this in the Jeep? It's getting out of hand.

We're driving home when we come to a stop light. Of two lanes headed North, I'm in the left lane. In the right, up ahead, are 5 cyclists. At this point it's obvious that everybody in the right lane is going to have to get over. The light turns green and I go. To the car immediately to my right, I slow up a bit and let them over. Because every now and then I'm polite. But I hear a car obviously gunning it. I look in my right mirror and sure as shit, another SUV trying to pull the same old douche move that annoys me. So I speed up and make sure he doesn't cut in front of me. Imagine my delight when I passed the car and it was a punk ass teenager driving it. Suck it! Double my delight when I keep checking the rear view and for the LONGEST TIME he couldn't get over. No one was letting him over and I loved every minute of it.

A couple of stop lights later we're sitting there waiting for a green arrow to turn left. Color me fucking floored when I look in the mirror and see one of the cyclists cruising along between the two lanes of stopped traffic. I'm pretty certain this is a rather daring maneuver. I mean, I've seen people open their doors at lights for random reasons. But what was so shocking to me is that he caught up! Then I look over and see his four amigos over on the shoulder. They catch up to their riding buddy and got up in front of everybody at the red light. Stink couldn't wrap his brain around how they caught up so quickly. Frankly, I was a little baffled as well. When their light turned green it got down to one lane, with them in the lead. I would think that many of the vehicles were pissed, but since they seemed to be able to cycle at 35MPH, I'm sure it turned out OK.

Stink and I rode around for a bit, especially when his "jam" came on the radio. We headed home and I hit the clicker to open the garage door. Stink was surprised, and asked if I was going to pull into the garage. Admittedly, I was nervous. Don't know why, but I was. I managed to get it in there with no damage. I said, "Way to go, mama!" Stink said, "Way to go, mama!" Then followed it up with, "Way to go,..." and called me by my full first name. Amusing.

Tonight he was dying to go for a walk or bike ride which we've done the last two nights. It's so hot, and I was freshly showered, so didn't want to. He was out playing on the deck. When he came in he had his hand down his pants. This is not unusual. However, he looked teary eyed. I asked what was wrong and he told me his "penis hurts". I thought maybe, just maybe, he had a bug bite. I asked to look at it and there's a teeny spot that looks like a bruise. I'm clueless. The best info he'll offer up is that "maybe a rock" hit him. What kind of rock? A "magic rock". I gave him some Motrin and a cookie and he seems to be better.

That's all I got right now. A whole lot of nothing.

Another Rambling Weekend Wrap Up (And a link to another "15 Random Words" Post)

2009-06-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

Friday night my husband's company was hosting an Open House/BBQ. Stink and I headed out there around 6:30. I made a few wrong turns, which made me feel like a total failure, but we finally arrived. Had hot dogs and hamburgers and took a tour of the new gym and offices. It was a tad disgusting how nice everything is. But it was a good time, and Stink loves getting out around new people. And people always fawn all over him.

On the way home, I was following my guys. We were on one highway, getting ready to merge onto another one. In my side mirror, I saw an SUV coming up quickly. I knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to floor it and cut in front of me, putting distance between me and my family. It's not that I didn't know where I was going, but I get so pissed at people that constantly pull this maneuver. Being as I wasn't transporting precious cargo, I put the pedal to the floor and sped up. He was undeterred and also sped up. We were side by side and I refused to look over. I kept at it until we got to the on ramp for the highway. I honestly thought I'd "won" and that he'd missed his exit until I looked in my mirror and saw him. He was practically in my back seat, he was tailgating me so hard.

I took the ramp at 45MPH, the speed limit. He was on me the entire time. When we merged onto the highway, I floored it and got in front of my husband and Stink, as my kid was whining that he wanted to "follow mama". I glanced back and saw the SUV. Pretty far behind me, it was apparent that he was trying to catch up to me. I don't know if his intent was to a) Get behind me and tailgate me again, or, b) Get in front of me and hit the brakes. Regardless, this asshole wasn't aware of one thing: my husband had seen the entire previous event in his rear view mirror. And he wasn't having it.

Cut to me nearly wrecking as I watched the excitement behind me. Every time the jerkoff tried to switch lanes to get to me, my husband blocked him. At one point, dear hubby was even straddling two lanes to keep this ass from getting to me. Reason number 87 why I'm so in love with this man? He's got my back!

Saturday the guys went and ran some errands. I did some laundry and picking up around the house. They got back around 1:00 or so. At some point, Stink was being a total shit. I was irritated and so was my husband. He walked upstairs and I came up a minute or so later, as I was sick of hearing Sam whine. My husband said, "Check this out" and I snapped, "What?" Tell me I didn't feel like a total ass when the item in question was a leather jacket for me to ride when we're on the motorcycle. It was a bit too long in the arms and needed to be taken back, but it's the thought that counts.

While he was taking it back, I was looking over some paperwork for preschool. It's then I discovered I missed the deadline to pay for fall tuition. I'm hoping it's not too late and that he hasn't lost his spot. Will find out Monday. Keep your fingers crossed.

Stink was looking out the sliding glass door to the deck when he declared, "Mama! Look!" I didn't hop right up as I've seen my fair share of squirrels. But I'm glad I did, as this is what he spotted.

My mind was totally blanking on the word "hawk". Stink declared it an owl, so we rolled with that. I know it isn't a rare bird, but it was the first time I'd ever seen one in my backyard. We snuck up to my room to get a picture from a different angle.

We watched him for a few minutes until he took a shit and flew off.

That night our neighborhood homes association had their annual BBQ. We loaded up The Pig with Stink's "little pig", some lawn chairs, and a cooler. They had good food and we had some nice conversations.

They had the usual games for the kids. Stink was partnered up with a little boy for the balloon toss, but the kid chickened out so I was his partner. It was fun, but a bit annoying at how upset he got when the balloons burst. We're working on being a "gracious loser".

Then it was time for the "egg run". Stink rocked at it last year and damn near made it to the finish line before his egg broke. True to form he started to cry, until we laughed and cheered and he thought it was great. My kid is the short one in the middle.

Here's a picture of him running the race. It's blurry, because he was going at lightning fast speed. Why? Because he's cheating his ass off. I'm surprised his egg didn't crack from the death grip he had on it.

Today was nothing much. Stink went to hang out with my parents and we went grocery shopping. Between coupons and our rewards card, we saved $88. That rocked. We tried to squeeze in a motorcycle ride with my dad, but they were calling for rain and the sky looked threatening. (By the by, it's 10:41pm and not a drop of rain.)

***My dad wears a hat backwards when he rides. It once blew off so he has come up with a way not to lose it. He takes a rubber band and puts it on his head and under his neck. Color me mortified.***

Tonight we grilled out steaks, had corn on the cob, baked potatoes, garlic bread, and salad. YUM! Stink and I went for a walk around the neighborhood then came home. The boys watched TV while I read some more of my book. When we put the kid to bed, I flipped on the radio and heard a song that damn near made me laugh out loud. Because I was reminded of this. I've watched this so many times and have yet to decide which part is my favorite.

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend. I'll leave you with a snippet from a conversation Stink and I had on our walk:

Stink: We need to keep our eyes open and watch where we're going. That way we don't fall. And an eagle doesn't come down and poke me in the pants and carry me off. That would make me sad.

Me: That would make me sad, too. I'd miss you.

Stink: I'll be careful. Maybe I could find my way home.

Me: Do you know what would be cool about being a bird?

Stink: What?

Me: You could poop wherever you want.

Stink: *Doubles over laughing*

Me: Do you know what would suck about being a bird?

Stink: What?

Me: You'd have to eat worms.

Stink: Ewwwww. That's gross.

Me: Yep, it's going to be rough for you.

Stink: Mama?

Me: What, baby?

Stink: Could you pack me a lunch to take?

***We've had another entry into our "Fifteen Random Words" post. It's by MtnMama. I implore you to go check it out. It's simply wonderful! I've read it a few times and enjoy something different with each read. VERY well done! Wow, I've really enjoyed this exercise! The way everybody has a different spin on it just blows my mind!***

We're across the pond now!

2009-06-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

I am truly loving this writing assignment that many of us are doing. If you're here, then you've probably already read my previous post. It's been confirmed, mine is a total piece of crap compared to the others. In case you missed it, Travellinbaen posted his. Harmony's story is posted on The Daily Wit. Speaking of, TDW just posted his story.

Now, it seems, we've gone international. Go check out the post by Mo Mad Dog Stoneskin. It's short and sweet and brilliant. Another participant is Rubbish@poker. Mo recently linked us to him and he's quickly developing a cult following. Which is no wonder, because he's hilarious. Go read what he came up with.It is very funny and reads much like porn. I have a reader or two or three or four or five (man, I've got a lot of perverts following me) that will enjoy it.

I'm worn out from the linking. Hope you all enjoy your weekend!

Weekend Wrap Up. Redone.

2009-06-10T09:28:00.001-07:00

***For those of you that have been around for awhile, you know that one of my bitches is The Daily Wit. Recently on his blog he did an experiment where his readers submitted random ideas for a post. Once he reached 15, he closed the polls and got to work on the greatest story ever told. Then he turned the tables. He came up with 15 randoms, then challenged us to do the same. I fucking hate homework, but love a good challenge. Travellinbaen posted his today, and it's brilliant work. Harmony posted hers and it's on display over at TDW. While they weaved theirs into works of fiction, I'm choosing to do mine like a regular post. That being said, I present you this pile of crap.***

Friday night I stayed up entirely too late. I was so tired Saturday that I practically needed toothpicks to keep my eyes open. I had promised my husband I'd go for a motorcycle ride with him, so I really needed to get my ass out of bed. Great guy that he is, he ran and got me some Ugandan coffee and I was ready to roll.

We headed out around noon. We'd been riding about an hour or so when I became aware of just how uncomfortable I was. We found a closed down Arby's and pulled into the vacant lot where I could proceed to dig out my enormous wedgie. A couple more hours in the hot sun and it felt as someone had put glue on the seat because my sweaty ass was practically stuck to it.

We decided to stop by "Bar" for a drink. It seems they were having some sort of convention for Bears

so we left. My husband was just a little uncomfortable with the manner in which they were blowing bubbles. Admittedly, it was gross. I was mesmerized by a guy in chaps and nothing else who had a pet tarantula on a leash.

We continued on and came across a Mexican restaurant we'd never tried. We decided to give it a whirl. That would prove to be a horrible decision.

We made our way home then headed to the liquor store for Tequila (more Maragaritas) and a fifth of Jack Daniels. We sat around and drank and watched the Game Show network. We caught a rerun of Jeopardy with that pretentious prick Ken Jennings. We watched him sweep the Radioactive Isotopes category. I decided to try to impress my husband with my smarts and tell him my favorite isotope is Neptunium. Then I went dumb blond and said it's because it sounds like Neptune, which is a funny planet. Then he said something about my anus, which was just really weird.

Sunday morning I was reminded of the horrible meal we'd had the night before, as I had a horrible case of Montezuma's revenge. I laid in bed most of the day watching some replays of some college sport on TV that nobody cares about.

I also did some research on Micro-lending.. Turns out, it does not mean to loan teeny tiny amounts of money to people. You learn something new every day.

Between the food poisoning and the hangover I was a mess all day. Finally, about 5, I made myself a drink. Clearly, I'm in dire need of a 12 step program.

I'll leave you with a clip from a show I used to enjoy back in the day when I had HBO. It's from "Oz", a show about a maximum security prison. This is where we are introduced to a new inmate named Alonzo Torquemada.

Weekend Wrap Up. In which I ramble. A lot.

2009-06-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

Stink had gone to see his dad on Monday. The plan was for him to stay there until Friday, then go to his "other" grandparents on Friday for a "slumber party". He's expressed in the past that he doesn't enjoy that. I emailed that we could try it, but to PLEASE convey that if he wanted to come home early, call me. He was supposed to come back Saturday at 5:30. My ex MIL called Saturday about 3:00 and said Stink was complaining that his ear hurt, could she bring him back? Well, of course! She showed up about 30 minutes later.

Initially, Stink said he had just wanted to come home. But then he was tearful and holding his ear. We headed to Walgreen's and their Minute Clinic. The wait seemed to take an eternity. They took vitals and basic info and I was a little floored at how tall he's gotten since August. The nurse practitioner looked in his left ear and winced. BAD ear infection. My husband went and got some Motrin and gave him a dose while we were waiting for antibiotics. It worked miracles! We went to Dairy Queen for a hot eat and cool treat. Then went for a "cruise" in the Jeep.

We stopped by my mother in law's house. She was home, along with my husband's Aunt. At some point, me and Aunt Jo were alone in the living room. The news was on and they were talking about David Carradine. They mentioned it might have been an "accidental suicide". (Keep in mind, Jo is a devout Christian.) Before I could stop myself, I utter, "Oh, right. They're thinking it might have been erotic asphyxiation." Jo, obviously, goes completely blank. So there I am, stumbling and muttering and looking for the right words. I manage to explain it without completely embarrassing either one of us. To her credit, she laughed and told me I'd enlightened her, never had heard that one in her 68 years. I love her.

Seems that at that point I'd developed a bad case of the trots where my mouth was concerned. I could not stop myself from talking. So I went ahead and told her about a horrible thing I read on Dena's blog. Seems a guy posted an ad on Craigslist to hire somebody to "break in" and rape his wife. While he watched. He found a willing participant and the plan was put into action. After reading the article, it's unclear as to whether or not "the assailant" knew if the woman was in on this little prank. What's worse, is that she wasn't. What's worser, is that their young kids were in the home. Does it get more sick than that?

So I rattle this off to Jo, and I'm kicking myself in my mind the entire time. But after telling her the story, she just shook her head and said that if that woman stays with her husband, she'll personally go shake her silly. Have I mentioned that I love Jo?

**If nothing else, this story gave me the following opportunity. I came home and updated my Facebook page to say that I "just had the pleasure of explaining erotic asphyxiation to a 68 year old". I have a very smart ass friend who commented, "The pleasure. Is that what you're calling it now?" Or something to that effect. (I'm too lazy to go check.) I smacked him down by responding with, "Your dad was curious." He gave me props for that one. And another smart ass I know replied with "The best way is to show them." Nice.**

Today the hubby and I went for a long motorcycle ride. We were driving through a large park when a deer crossed the road. I immediately thought of that Ron White comedy sketch where he talks about his brother bragging about hunting and killing one, and how he hit one in his van with the horn honking and lights flashing. (Trust me, I searched in vain to find it.) An hour or so later we're riding through "the country" and I see another one of those "Deer Crossing" signs. I sort of giggle, but sort of get nervous. You just never know with those things.

About ten minutes later a deer hops out of nowhere. And STOPS. And stands in the middle of the road and stares at us. I immediately freak out and possibly utter the words, "Oh, shit." After what seemed like forever, my husband revved the engine. The noise scared it and it hopped back into where it came from. But, holy hell, was I scared for a minute.

Tonight hubby fired up the grill and we had pork medallions and garlic bread. I made some corn on the cob and crab cakes and had a wonderful meal. Currently, I'm working on this while he watches "Jesse James is a Dead Man." Tomorrow morning, the Jeep goes in for detailing and to get an undercoating. I have a sunburn that is making me cold and achey. Great weekend.

I'll leave you with a little something that the lovely Peggy emailed me awhile back. I forwarded it to some of you, but to some this will be a new treat. Ashton Kutcher shot this from his office. I laughed out loud when you hear someone say, "He's so angry." And at about 1:06 is when I just died. Enjoy.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/caught-masturbating

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend. Also, Happy Anniversary to me. This is my 100th post. I'm old.

The end.

Eh, Name This Yourself

2009-06-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

I've made no secret that I'm extremely lazy. In fact, I'm a bit proud of it. I'm the ultimate Queen of, "Hey, while you're up, could you grab me a...?" I have my little nest set up in the evenings. I sit in the middle seat, for optimal TV viewing. In the left chair I have the phone and the remote. I have the laptop on the armrest and my drink in the cup holder. Snuggie on, ready to do nothing. I love it. But I met my match yesterday.

I've been reading Stacie's Madness for quite some time. I thoroughly enjoy her. We do some occasional emailing, and she cracks me up. One of our biggest jokes is that we are the perfect example of "opposites attract". On everything. Any time she mentions her favorite of something, whether it be food, drink, TV show, actor, you name it, inevitably that item would be #1 on my "worst" list. But me loves her anyway.

She has the occasional giveaway on her blog. And although I don't generally mess around with those, I enter hers. Why? Because the prize is sex toys. Like I'm gonna pass that up.

Blogger lets me know the other day that she's posted the winner. I rush right over, hoping to see my name. Of course, I didn't win. But, somehow, it didn't bother me that much. And I think it's because of the irony of the person that did win. A blogger named, get ready for this, Pork Star. YES, that should be the winner. I about died.

I go to comment on how funny I think that is and got hung up on the first comment that was already there. Because it referenced the term "beef darts". And I was confused, having never heard that before. And then I started laughing really hard when I saw that Stacie had commented back, "ROFLMAO.....Beef darts?? What the hell is that?" It was all too funny. So I commented that I'm jealous about not having a follower with such a cool name (no offense you guys) and also put, "Beef darts?" And then I left.

I googled it. And felt really stupid. Obviously, it's a slang name for penis. And I suspected it was. Deep down, I was hoping for something really raunchy, so I was a little bit bummed.

About a minute later I get an email from Stacie. She asks, "OK, seriously. Beef darts? What the hell?" I told her I found out by googling and felt a little dumb. About a minute later I get another email from her. I assume she's emailing to tell me that she's also a bit let down. This is what her email says:

"shut up. what is it?"

Too lazy to google at a computer you are obviously sitting at? I tip my hat to you, my friend. Because THAT is pretty fucking lazy.

***Of course I asked her if I could tell this little story. She thought that maybe we could come up with something naughtier or more obscure of a term than beef darts. I pointed out that if I did that, my luck a reader would investigate and call me out on it. But the kicker of her plan, and she didn't even realize it until I pointed it out? Again, she was too lazy to google. Wanted me to do it.

Man, I get kick out of her.

***Edited to add*** I emailed her to tell her this was done. Being a smartass, I said, "Can you muster up the energy to go read it, or shall I copy and paste for you?"

She emailed back:

"You could have at LEAST linked to it. Fuck, dude."

I'm dying.

Question of The Day

2009-06-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

I saw this on the lovely Dena's blog and decided to steal it from her. Because I'm nothing if not original.

Question:

When you first started blogging, who was your first follower, and do they still follow you?

For me, it was Matter Of Fact Mommy. She left my very first comment, too. It basically said she figured I'd sober up and decide not to start a blog. Feel the love. For those of you in the loop, yes, she still follows, but can't always comment. However, we do email each other.

(She's invitation only. If you want to get on board, email her at matteroffactmommy@yahoo.com. You'll need to submit a photo, answer a few simple questions, and give a DNA sample. It's as easy as that. And worth it.)

Answer the question, then hop on over to Dena's blog. She's got a good question up today. It brought back many memories. Tell her I sent ya!

Check out one of my ho's

2009-06-02T14:33:00.001-07:00

Geez, I've whored this guy out so much I think I've officially become his pimp. But this is a work of pure brilliance. A must share!

Please, I beg you, go check out The Daily Wit. This post blows my mind.

Chopped & Screwed

2009-05-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

Pretty much sums up my weekend.

Friday night I took Stink to a local Art Fair. I couldn't care less about the art, but it's kid friendly and he's enjoyed it in the past. Of course, it was crazy hot and very crowded. Of course, he had to go potty when we were as far from the bathrooms as we could possibly be. Of course, he grabbed something on the ground, leaving his hands a sticky mess, when we were as far from a place to wash his hands as we could possibly be. Of course, I had two Vodka & Lemonades.

He had a great time. I only got about 3 pictures because, of course, the camera battery was about to die. I managed to spend $40 on the little shit. And, picked up two caricatures for my husband for Father's Day. That cost $111. (He's already seen them. I suck at keeping secrets and he sucks at being out of the know.)

Saturday my husband had to go to work. He already knew it was going to be lame. Basically a matter of making sure his guys were doing what they were supposed to do, then leaving. He took Stink with him. His shift started at 3:00. He called me at 3:30 and they were headed to the greatest furniture store around to browse. They came back with a new Playstation 2 game. Excellent for Stink, sucks for me. The PS2 is hooked up to the TV in the family room. The biggest TV, and the room with the comfiest chairs and laptop.

Awhile later they head off to go "look" at Jeeps. Seems my man has always wanted one. News that is totally foreign to me. He called about two hours later. Got a great deal, traded in "little gay car" (more on that later) and purchased a 2009 Jeep Rubicon. I have no problem with this, but now we have a new car payment. My car will be paid off in July, and was hoping to have some extra money each month for fun stuff. Like meth. Now I'll need to spend it on necessities. Like groceries.

It was late and I'd made nothing for dinner so I suggested Applebee's. Seems that by being the one to suggest it, I became the one to pay for it. Figuring he'd spent enough money, I agreed. Now I'm out 50 bucks.

Side note, Stink finished off a mozzarella stick with a really big bite. I told him he was going to choke. Rather than pulling it out of his mouth, I waited and watched. Sure as shit, about 30 seconds later his eyes bulge and it's clear that the cheese isn't going down. I remained calm, smacking him on the back, telling him he'll be OK and holding a napkin for what's about to come up. It eventually did. Naturally, he coughed up some foamy spit. Luckily, the waiter wandered by at the right time and grabbed more napkins. Then, it got weird. Some more foamy spit came up. And it was blue. Now, I now my ex is evil, but to have visual proof that my child is demon spawn was freaky. Turns out that while at the car dealership he enjoyed a cookie. With blue frosting. Color me relieved.

Today I let my husband sleep in. Then he went for a 4 hour motorcycle ride with my dad and his dad. What did I do? Spent 7 hours watching Stink play his new game. Yep. All. Fucking. Day.

Tonight we decided to go to TGI Friday's to take advantage of their May special, all salads and sandwiches for $5. My guys went there last Sunday and hubby knocked back a couple of $2 Miller Lite bottles. We ordered our sandwiches, he again had two bottles, life was great. We got our bill.

Seems the "May" special ended Tuesday. Fair enough. That's what I get for assuming it was all month. Also, seems that the waitress from last week was incorrect. Only Bud and Bud Light bottles were on special. To the credit of the manager, he gave us the sale price on the beer. I like Friday's in that they are accommodating to no end. What I don't like about them? The going rate for a 12 ounce bottle of beer? $4.19. There's another $40 I'm out.

Last, but not least, shortly before bedtime I started tickling Sam. And he peed on me. Obviously he needed a bath. Of COURSE, the dishwasher and washing machine were running. When going simultaneously, it cuts back on water pressure and temperature for the rest of the house.

Basically, I spent the entire weekend getting screwed. And not in the matter I'm fond of.

To Sam's credit, he was HILARIOUS this weekend. Said so many things that made us laugh. A few stand out. First was when he called me a "penis head". This made my husband laugh pretty hard, as he pointed out that I was just politely called a "dickhead". Second was when he referred to someone as "a dirty hippy". Third would be when he was in the tub. Hubby was molesting me in the hallway when a little voice yelled out, "I can hear you kissing!"

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend! We pick up the Jeep tomorrow night. Sam is beyond excited! Pictures to come...

Prairie Doggie Style

2009-05-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

There's a few different types of people on Facebook that really tend to annoy me. And because I've got nothing else to discuss, here's my post.

1) The non talker. They will add you as a friend, then you never hear another word from them again. WTF? A long lost friend from high school recently requested me. I was very excited, as I'd searched for her many times but her common name hindered my progress. Twice now I've asked her how she is and where she's living with zero result.

2) The short talker. The old, old friend, maybe even from grade school, that adds you. I'm eager to catch up, send a nice note, and get something to the effect of:

Good to hear from you. Hope you're well. Take care.

And that's it. WTF?

3) The collector. And I have an excellent example of this. There was a girl named Susan that I went to high school with Freshman year. Only one year, as she wasn't invited back for Sophomore year. Seems my school had pretty high standards and your GPA had to be above 1.0. Anyway, she requested me as a friend. We hadn't been great pals or anything, but we had Spanish together a few times a week and chatted. (She only chatted in English, and not well at that.) So I accept her friendship and set off to check out her profile. 561 friends! I've never heard a word from her.

Batgirl and I were discussing this one night on the phone. She starts to tell me something similar, about a guy from high school that she'd never been friendly with but he'd requested her. For whatever reason, she mentioned his name. I about died! It's Susan's husband! Seems they are both "collectors" and net workers. Batgirl had declined the friend request but I had her immediately sign in as me. I wanted her to check out Susan's pictures, one in particular. It's a great shot of them on their front porch with the family dog. (I originally typed "family god". THAT would have been quite the picture.) And, how shall I put this? The dog is WAY TOO EXCITED to be having its picture taken. I was going to find it and post it, but noticed that she's cropped out the wang. Oh well.

4) The total stranger. I'll explain. I found my 16 year old nephew. He had a Dallas Cowboys logo as his profile picture, but I didn't think much of it. He accepted my request and I went to look at his page. Um, OK. NOT my nephew. A 40 something year old guy from Wisconsin. He's never once questioned our "friendship". And for whatever reason, I just left him on there.

Here's where it got funny. To me, anyway. Shortly before Christmas he posted that he'd lost his job. I came *this* close to saying that I was sorry, but remember that I'm trying to remain on the down low. That was 5 months ago. He'll occasionally mention not having any luck on the job front. Here's a snippet from his page. Hard to see, but you'll get the idea.

It's obvious that he's on Facebook from sun up to sun down, farming, kidnapping, passing drinks, in the mafia, etc. I sort of want to tease him about it, but then I remind myself I don't know this man.

I'll leave you with a little gem from my husband. We were out on the motorcycle last week. It was hot, and we'd been sitting at a red light forever. I started to feel a little exposed, and thought to myself how much it would suck if a bird flew over and pooped on me. I asked my husband if he'd ever been shit on while riding. Without missing a beat, he asked, "No, why? Do you need to go?"

A big, fat F!

2009-05-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

That's the grade I get for taking pictures of our BBQ. I took just a few, and they sucked. Somebody else captured one, and that's what this story is about.

A couple weeks ago my husband went to his friends house to work on THE PIG. And the friend had his very new girlfriend over. At some point while they were working on it, the girl snapped a picture with her phone, and mentioned she was putting it on Facebook. So, I'm like, "Some random chic took your picture and is posting it on her page?" Um, ya, that's pretty much the long and short of it.

The couple came to the BBQ. She introduced herself, seemed nice enough. In less than 3 minutes I learn that she's a neat freak, hardly ever drinks, is getting divorced, the ex is RICH, the divorce is costing TONS of money, and something about a $3,000 lawn mower. I'd more or less tuned her out by then.

Incidentally, my dad stopped by for a plate of food and I set him up at the table with said girl. He called me the next day and basically gave me her life story. It seems she really likes to talk. About herself. And money. Whatever.

At one point there was close to 20 people over. We have a fairly large deck with room for everybody, but when you get that many chairs and an umbrella table and a picnic table, it occasionally takes a little skill to maneuver around. That being said, she damn near elbowed me in the head when she came by. Why did she come by? TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MY HUSBAND! She giggled something about wanting a picture of "the chef", and as she walked away I heard her mumble, "for facebook." WTF? Not a picture of her gracious hosts, just a picture of him. And don't get me wrong, I'm not the jealous type at all. I just found it funny. And tacky. And sad.

A few side notes from the party:

1) The couple that was supposed to bring their tent did not. Bummer.

2) Tahitian Sunset Wine Coolers are sick.

3) I make a mean batch of Cheesy Potatoes.

4) I really like Crown Royal when it's very cold, over ice.

5) We have some very excellent friends that always make me laugh.

So here's where I tried to take a picture of the deck and really capture how nice it looked in the dark with the lights on. This was a total FAIL, as the lights are on the inside of the deck rails. Drink some more.

So I gave up and just snapped what was in front of me. And kept drinking.

Because I'm a bit notorious for doing this, I took a few pictures of us. Some were truly horrid. This is one of the keepers.

We had a lot of fun. The last person was here until after 1:00am. There was some loving to be had on the deck. Then we stumbled to bed. And I woke up with this:

I have no clue.

Struggling Saturday

2009-05-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

After a long motorcycle ride and a disappointing dinner out, Batgirl came over last night. We went full on white trash and set up lawn chairs in the driveway and drank. I drank my body weight in wine and feel like total shit. I know I laughed extremely hard and had a great time. I remember a stray cat coming by, and having my husband give it a can of tuna. It possibly belongs to the neighbors. I have a vague memory of my husband putting me in the shower, then I got nothing after that. I feel, and look, awful today. And I have SO MUCH to do.

We are having a BBQ tomorrow. Lots of hubby's friends and coworkers are coming. Some I know, some I don't. I've heard that one couple is bringing a tent. I have no clue why. We have ample room inside, and we are surrounded by neighbors. Regardless, they plan on camping out. My husband plans on turning on the sprinklers. I plan on taking lots of pictures.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! And I'll leave you with a little clip that made me laugh a bit too hard.

A Really Good Read

2009-05-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

It was apparent by my last post that everyone seems to enjoy a tale about a dickhead/dumbass ex husband. So, I will now be a lazy blogger and link you to another one. Seriously, this is the biggest case of douchebaggery I've possibly ever read. It actually made me cringe.

You will read it, and it will annoy you. You will almost get misty eyed, feeling so bad for the mom. Then, at the end, you will cheer for the son, the coolest kid ever. And if you don't, you have no soul.

So, please go check out this little gem written by the lovely Mary, my sister from another mother. She adores comments, as we all do. Tell her I sent ya.

Go!

Survival of the Fittest

2009-05-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

I was taking a shower a little bit ago and the phone rang. And I had the weirdest flashback. Which was sort of nice, because now I have a nice transition into the dumbest thing my ex husband ever got mad about. This one was voted for by Beautiful Wreck and Audra, who once got into a fight with her ex about toast.

So Stink was about 4 months old. My ex had his mom and step dad coming to town from Indiana for Christmas. It was a Friday afternoon. Ex had gotten home from work at about 3:00 on a Friday. I was beyond exhausted and was going to give Sam a bottle in my bed and take a nap with him. Ex was going to go lay down in his room. (Did ya catch that right there? We had our own rooms. His choice. Red flag, anyone?) Sam and I head in there when ex popped his head in the door, holding the cordless phone. He then asked if I wanted it, in case HIS mother called. Um...maybe YOU would like it? That way, it doesn't wake me AND the baby. I gave him an evil glare, mouthed out "NO", and he left. Come to find out, he didn't take it to his room, but put it in the living room.

About an hour or so later the phone rang. And rang. I don't recall the details, but the answering machine was not a factor. It rang roughly 84 times. Finally, I drag myself out of bed and go get it. I (not so) jokingly told my ex that maybe she thought the machine was set up to answer on the 90th ring. Jackass.

So after he wakes up, he's set to call her back. He asked me what time they should come over. I thought about it, said I needed to shower and get ready, maybe 7:00? In his passive aggressive way, he just shook his head. What's wrong? Won't answer me. Seriously, what's wrong? Then he tells me that since they came all the way to town and haven't seen Sam in a month that I should be saying they should come over whenever they want to.

OK, if you don't care about my answer, and are going to act a bitch when I don't say what is in your head, why fucking ask me? Seriously. He pouted the rest of the night.

Sadly, that is not the dumbest thing he's ever gotten mad at me about...

So we were living in Florida. It was Thanksgiving, and we had put zero thought into what we were going to eat. We set out driving and quickly realized that not a single place was open. We finally found a grocery store and wandered in. Nothing was jumping out at us, we didn't really feel like cooking, etc. We finally decided to just get a couple of frozen pizzas. But not the really cheap ones. Which I have no problem with. But, after all, it was a holiday. We had different tastes in pizza so got two different ones.

We arrive home and get to "cooking". It very specifically says on the box that you should cook one at a time. He says that shouldn't be a problem. Being rule breakers, we cook them at the same time.

Fast forward about 20 minutes. We're eating. I asked how his is. He tells me it's great, asks how mine is. I say that it's pretty good, but definitely needed a few more minutes in the oven. He says, and I quote, "And it's MY pizza's fault?" Totally thinking he's kidding, I say yes.

He finishes his piece, puts his plate in the sink, and goes to bed. Not a word.

I really thought about going in there and asking if he was serious. But I was so stunned, I sat there and just kept thinking he'd jump out and tell me he was joking.

No. No he wasn't. He was honestly pissed. And he didn't speak to me for two days.

And that, my friends, is the father of my child.

Stuph

2009-05-18T18:06:00.001-07:00

And a post in which I showcase my mad linking skills. Forgive me.

As promised, here's my story about my email "conversation" with Steph. But first, a little background, for those of you not in the know.

Steph is a wicked funny blogger "friend" of mine. I subscribed to her blog, but cancelled my subscription because I prefer to simply stalk her. Which I do. She is beyond hysterical, and she replies to ALL comments on her blog. Which I just love. And we've done some emailing, and she just kills me.

In the last few weeks she mentioned that she wasn't really "feeling" the whole blog thing anyway. She might stop. Of COURSE, the crowd goes wild telling her not to. I think I even threatened to sit outside her blog like a puppy in the rain. In fact, I know I did, and I accused her of hating puppies. And she also mentioned some things her husband (she has recently started calling him "Whitey") had in the works and she didn't want to jinx it and mention it.

Alright, this is where I die. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was last Wednesday morning. I fire up the laptop. I go under "favorites" and click on Steph. She's gone. My chin hit the keyboard. There was a quote and in the corner it said "R.I.P. TSD". (As her blog was called The Stephford Diaries. Harmony, that was for you. XOXO) It was just short of being a tombstone. I immediately emailed her. The subject line was something like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

Alright, here's where I suck. I accidentally deleted a few of the emails so I can't say for sure what transpired after that. But she promised she'd still be reading and commenting, keeping in touch, whatever. And it was fine. And this is where my story begins.

So I'm reading Mala's blog and in the comments Frank mentioned having lunch with Steph. Mala, funny girl that she is, commented she was giving Frank the benefit of the doubt that lunch didn't include duct tape and rope. And then, the always amusing Bev left her comment, "Anyone seen Steph?" I thought that was funny. And just to taunt her, I sent her an email that simply said, "She just emailed me". And I signed off with an ever annoying smiley face that I way over use. :)

So Bev emails back, wants to know what the hell happened to Steph, and mentions the lunch with Frank. I sort of chuckle and respond that I'm pretty sure Frank was joking. And she emails back that she feels dumb for falling for it, etc, and we went back and forth a few times but that's none of your business.

Back to Steph. She emails me and sort of lets me in on what's going on with her and Whitey. I'm excited for her, and she says that she's hoping to make a "formal announcement" this week. I tease her and say that it's too bad she doesn't have a blog in which to do that. And she responds with this:

"I know, right? Especially since I had lunch with Frank today."

WHAT? I responded in about 8 seconds that I thought Frank was kidding, give me details. She said yes, it's true. (Here's where you need to know that the thought of two bloggers meeting just makes my mind spin. I don't know why.) So I'm saying, OK, give me details. She responds, "Lol. What do you want to know. What details?"

I freeze. I'm on the spot and have no clue what to ask. So I ask the dumbest thing ever, and was actually giggling at being such a moron as I typed it:

"Did he pay?"

She said they went Dutch. I quickly email back at how stupid I felt typing that, but that I just froze and couldn't come up with anything. And she killed me when she emailed that she's the same way. In fact, when she first started chatting with Matter of Fact Mommy that MoFM said "Ask me anything" and Steph came up with "So, you're a mom?" I rolled laughing. I instantly told her that was better than what I'd come up with. Probably something along the lines of, "Do you have kids?"

So it went on from there, getting funnier by the minute. But since this is getting really long, I'll summarize. She then goes on to mention a crush she has on a blogger. I'd never rat her out, but if you want to know, just check out her newly resurrected blog. We briefly touched on phone sex. (We're not fans). Apparently I emailed her and mentioned how drunk I was and that I just put my kid to bed wearing a Snuggie. She didn't see that until the next morning and declared it her "favorite email ever". I don't remember the specifics, but at some point she mentioned ninja cats and I'm pretty sure I wet myself. She went on to mention her severe ADD, to the point she's barely coherent. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.

So, if you don't know any of these people, this story is not at all funny. Even if you do know them, it still might not be. But it's my story, and I like it. And if you made it this far, thank you for sticking around. And if you don't know them, go check them all out. They are among my favorites.

I'll finish up with one thing. So you know how my blog was something my husband didn't know about? Ya...I had a few too many and told him about it. It was killing me to keep a secret from him. And he's read it all. And he's FURIOUS. Seems I said his truck is a 1994 Dodge Ram. It's a '98. My bad, Baby. Love you much!!!

And if you're annoyed with all my linking, blame Peggy. It's her fault.

Phoning it In

2009-05-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have been in a blog writing slump this week. Nothing at all exciting going on in these parts. Just my usual drinking, blogging, drunken commenting, trying to make a baby.

I could tell you a story about how I just found out my favorite pair of hand-me-down pajama bottoms are actually pants.

I could tell you a story about a conversation I had with Stink that ended in him asking if I had a penis in my mouth.

I could tell you a story about a really funny email exchange I had with Steph last night.

I could tell you a story about a really smelly dude I know, in which I would tell you all what I do for a living.

I could tell you a story about the DUMBEST thing my ex ever got mad about. Seriously, dumb.

Sure, I could tell you a lot of stories. Just that none are all that great. Instead, I'll show you a picture.

Check it out, if you haven't already.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

It's all good, I checked and there are no pictures of my family on there.

Enjoy your weekend!

RIP TSD

2009-05-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

I can't really get motivated or inspired today. I'm mourning the loss of a beloved blogger. I know many of you are feeling the same. I'm wearing all black. She will be missed.

So long, sweet Steph.

Well Said

2009-05-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I was having a real issue with getting Stink to go to bed. It was driving me nuts. I came up with this system where if he'd go to bed and stay in bed, he'd get a sticker. After 4 stickers he could pick something fun to do. Ice cream, Pizza, things like that. However, when we got his new bed, the problem sort of corrected itself. And I put a lock on his bedroom door. So there's that.

Lately he's been wanting me to leave his door cracked at night. He looked at me, very serious face, and said, "Let's get back to that sticker thing." So we have, and it's going really well. Last week he was on his 3rd sticker. As I was putting him to bed I asked what he wanted to do when he got to 4. His answer melted my heart. He wanted my husband to take him to the park and ride bikes. I about cried. I love the love they have for each other.

At some point Friday night, that little shit snuck into bed with us. I guess that sleeping with us pretty much rocks, as my husband had to wake him up at 10:00. And the day began.

They went to a park and rode bikes. Then they went to McDonald's. Then to another park for riding and playing. Stink was grinning ear to ear when they got back.

I had to go to WalMart and he opted to come with me. We went down the toy aisle and were looking at cars. Specifically, from the movie "Cars". And, sure as shit, we found some he didn't have. Bought 5 new ones. He walked out of there on air.

Off to HyVee for groceries and plants for Mother's Day. I let him pick out an enormous doughnut to have for breakfast the next day. AND, a frosted cookie for dessert. He was dizzy with glee at this point.

While my husband finished up mowing the lawn, I went and got carry out BBQ. On the way home, I noticed something going on that looked fun. So, after dinner, we took Stink here:

His head exploded.

He had such an incredibly good time that I didn't even feel too bad about being raped on the price of tickets.

They went on the slide together.

This is more my speed.

I ended up sitting side saddle on the other horse. The attendant was yelling and motioning for me to turn around. I thought about going reverse cowgirl on it, but decided against it.

Here he is, Driving Miss Daisy.

I don't like heights, so my husband went with him.

That one is a little blurry, but I love it, since it's my husband smothering my child with lovings.

We got home after dark, played for a bit, then it was time for bed. That child passed out he was so exhausted. But before he did, I asked him if he had a good day.

"This was my best day ever."

Friday Night Shout Out

2009-05-08T16:39:00.001-07:00

It's Friday night, my son is with my parents, my husband is at work, I have the house to myself. Sounds wonderful, right?

I'm fucking bored. I'm watching "The Simpsons" and drinking.

Since so many of you are fans of "The Soup", I thought I'd throw up another video. And I'm dedicating it to The Daily Wit, because he's a major fan of the show. And I'm not talking about "The Soup". (Seriously. His post today is devoted to it.)

And here is a little bonus video. Nick is such a douchebag.

I hope all you Mamas have a wonderful weekend!

Isn't She Lovely?

2009-05-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I love celebrity gossip. Thrive on it, in fact. Because it's all just too entertaining. Also, I like a lot of reality television. And when those two worlds collide...HEAVEN.

I'm not a big fan of "Jon & Kate Plus 8". Mainly because I find Kate so fucking annoying. Yet, I find myself watching it. Because I find Kate so fucking annoying. I'm a bit mesmerized when watching the show. I just can't get over how rude she is to her husband. And he just sits there and takes it. It makes me cringe. And I occasionally make my husband watch it just so he knows how lucky he is.

So imagine my total glee when it came out that he was cheating on her!!!!! Of course, he denies it. The "other woman" denies it. Whatever. I'd cheat on that bitch, too. But I'd admit it. And brag about it.

I read that Kate happened to be on the Today Show yesterday. Since I missed it, I set off to find it. And I did. She briefly addressed the rumors, then went on to promote her book, that is likely worthless but a bunch of idiots will buy. But I found another little gem. I'm beyond furious that You Tube won't allow me to embed it. So here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrR9iHH9psQ

At about 1:14 is when I lost it.

Loved it! Joel McHale is the shit!

Thankful Thursdays

2009-05-07T07:18:00.001-07:00

Last week Steph suggested doing a weekly post about things you're thankful for. I saw this article on my Yahoo homepage. I can't quite describe how I feel, but I know I'm happy for this family.

(Side note. I've been to Fredericktown. I was with an ex and our enormous dog, Jake. It was 4th of July weekend and the fireworks spooked Jake. He freaked out, came running up behind me, got his front paws on my shoulders and humped me. Good times.)

ARCADIA, Mo. – Thirsty, dirty and tired after spending two days and nights barely clothed in the wet, chilly woods of Mark Twain National Forest, 3-year-old Joshua Childers was ready to go home.

The boy was lying on the ground of a hollow near a creek bottom Wednesday afternoon when a volunteer searcher spied his bare bottom.

"Hey, bud!" called out Donnie Halpin, a 57-year-old construction worker from nearby Fredericktown, who wasn't sure whether the grimy figure was even alive.

But Joshua sat right up and grinned at his rescuer.

"You ready to go home?" Halpin asked.

"Yeah," said Joshua.

The boy was wet and only wearing a T-shirt and one tennis shoe. Halpin called 911, then wrapped the child in his shirt, scooped him up and carried him about a half-mile to a house.

"He hung on to me pretty tight," said Halpin, who didn't have any water for the child but gave him some candy. "Outside of a few scratches, he was in really good shape."

Joshua had slipped out of his family's mobile home near Arcadia in rural southeast Missouri around 11:30 a.m. Monday, while his father slept and his mother talked on the phone.

Terry Schulte, the boy's grandmother, told KSDK-TV that Joshua told her he was on his way to visit her. She lives about five miles from his home, and he was found covered in ticks about a half-mile away. Somewhere along the way he lost his pull-up diaper and one of his sneakers, which searchers found near a pond Monday.

Halpin discovered Joshua around 4 p.m. Wednesday while walking along an all-terrain vehicle trail about three miles from the boy's home, after first spotting some stray dogs sniffing at something.

"I'm going to put him up for the Grizzy Adams Award, send him bear-hunting with a stick," his overjoyed father, Adam Childers, told reporters, marveling at his son's survival skills.

"It's undescribable how grateful we are," Childers said. "I mean, you doubt if God's actually with you for awhile, and then something like this happens, and you know he's there."

Madison County Sheriff David Lewis said searchers had been growing increasingly pessimistic about their chances of finding Joshua alive. He figured three days was about the limit for the boy's survival in the wild without food and water.

"It's a miracle," Lewis said. "I'm so happy, you can't believe it."

Hundreds of volunteers from as far away as St. Louis, 100 miles to the northeast, came to help in the search. So did professional search and rescue crews from dozens of agencies. The Missouri State Highway Patrol brought in planes. The state Water Patrol brought in divers and sonar. Dozens of dogs, horses, ATVs and even donkeys scattered in the miles around the tiny home that sits along the wild, rocky terrain of the Mark Twain National Forest.

The area is home to bears, mountain lions and snakes. Heavy rain Tuesday night and Wednesday morning swelled creeks in the area.

"I don't know how he did it," Adam Childers said. "I don't know grown men that could do it. But all I can say is he's a tough little bugger."

Doctors have told him that his son is a little dehydrated but otherwise fine, Childers said. The child was evaluated and listed in fair condition, first at Iron County Hospital and later at Jefferson Regional Medical Center in Crystal City, where he was transferred because it has a larger pediatric unit.

The boy has been asking for milk and hot dogs since his rescue, Childers said

My blog. Now with less words.

2009-05-06T13:19:00.001-07:00

I'm so sick of hearing about it.

This made me laugh.

As did this.

Will this week ever end?

Monday Mush

2009-05-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm hungover. There, I said it. (I know, everybody is shocked!) I would still be in bed except my husband is mowing the grass and it woke me up. I have a pounding headache.

Not sure how it happened, but I ended up at a school carnival Friday night. Stink was with my parents and they drove past it. He really wanted to go, and they did not. So I met them there where they practically tossed him out of the car. Stink had a blast! I got some great pictures and will post them later.

Saturday morning Stink was off to stay with his dad. I promptly went back to bed, and my husband went on a 5 hour motorcycle ride with my dad and his dad. When he came back, he told me it was my turn.

The weather was a bit chilly and I don't have a leather coat for riding. So he let me wear one of his old ones. I was mortified, as I looked like an extra for the "Thriller" video. That, and I simply can NOT rock a do-rag. Sensing my embarrassment, he headed straight to my parents house so they could take pictures.

We rode for an hour or so and then it was 5:00, Happy Hour. Since I didn't want to be seen by anybody I knew, we went searching for a dive bar. And, holy hell, we struck gold! This bar was so shitty! I'm certain at one point it was a double wide that they added on to. The best part was the name of it. "Bar". Not even "THE Bar". Just "Bar". Loved it! We watched the Kentucky Derby (I got teary eyed) then took off for home.

Saturday night we went and scooped up Batgirl and went for dinner. Back to her house for a glass of wine, then headed home. We watched some stuff we had recorded then called it a night.

Sunday the hubby went to have brunch at his mom's house. I stayed behind to do laundry (sleep). He got home around 3 and said wanted to go for a ride. Luckily, the weather was much nicer so I only needed a sweatshirt. We rode for a couple hours then headed to "Bar". Saw two of the same people as the day before. We started to head home and as an afterthought decided we'd check out a dive bar by our house. He ordered a Tenderloin sandwich and it was beyond delicious! The waitress was great, it's close to home, and the bartender makes extremely stiff drinks. We're definitely going back!

When we got home I just kept on drinking. Which brings us to today, and my splitting head. Stink will be home later today and it's back to business as usual.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Because I'm a good sport, I'll leave you with a picture of us on the bike. Enjoy!

Sharing the Love

2009-05-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

The other day the ever lovely Harmony awarded me this little gem. Behold!

There were no rules involved, but what Harmony did was give a shout out to a few of her favorite blogs. I'll do the same.

First, I'm a regularly reader of Chris. She used to be on blogger, but moved over to Text Imps. Whatever the hell that is. She doesn't make her way over to blogville as often as she used to, but I still enjoy reading her.

Awhile back, she posted a whole rant about Pizza Hut Vs Papa Johns. (I tried to link right to it, but am failing. Please fake being surprised.) In a nutshell, she had a crappy experience with Pizza Hut and did a great job of detailing how much it sucked. Several people commented, and one particular comment caught my eye. It went like this:

Dear Ms. Chris:

There are two sides to every story, and this story proves that cliche. We at Pizza Hut want the record to be clear.

When you walked into our store obviously high on something, we knew we were in for an unpleasant visit. First, you didn’t call in an order. Second, when you walked up to the counter, you ordered a Whopper with cheese and a medium strawberry Shasta. We told you that we were not Burger King. You then asked if we could at least get you the Shasta. We don’t serve Shasta. However, in the spirit of customer service, we offered to carbonate the dirty dishwater and serve that to you with a straw. While you accepted our offer, you then proceeded to pick up the napkin holder and attempt to drink from that. We called security.

All of that stuff about our being out of dough did not happen. You told us that you didn’t have any dough and could we just give you some food for free. Having provided you with carbonated dirty dishwater for free, we felt like we had gone the extra mile to secure your business and didn’t feel like a free pizza was necessary.

Security then escorted you off the premises without further incident. By the way, our security guard wants his wallet back.

Thank you. The Management of Pizza Hit No. 137.

Now just try and tell me that's now awesome? (By the way, she commented back and the only thing that she took issue with is the fact that she DID SO call in her order. That killed me!)

Obviously, being thoroughly amused, I clicked on that blogger. And was delighted to stumble upon The Daily Wit. One of the first posts I came across was titled something like "Nobody Cares". It was about a college tennis team and how well they're doing. So props to him for naming it so accurately.

But, I sensed something, and kept reading. And let me tell you, I LAUGHED. A lot! I'm pretty sure I've read all of the archives, and actually commented on most of them. TDW is also one of those glorious bloggers that replies to comments. And we know we all love that.

The stuff that's up right now is great, but in case you don't really check him out, there's something I don't want you to miss. You can read it here.

So, those are the two blogs I am passing the award on to. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

And, although he's gotten better, if you begin to read The Daily Wit, please feel free to give him shit for not posting daily.

P.S. TDW, sorry for the ultra feminine award. Deal.

Thankful Thursdays

2009-04-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

I was going to flaunt my new award today, but have decided to try something different. Thanks to Steph I'm going to give this a whirl. Let's begin.

The doctor's office called with my blood results. My FSH level is at a 5, and it needs to be at a 13. Fuck. Starting today, I will take one pill a day for 5 days. Then I am to take daily ovulation tests. My husband and I are to "have intercourse" every other day. As soon as I turn an ovulation test positive, I go in for them to draw more blood.

Let me summarize. With the pack of tests and the pills I am out $55. All I have to show for it is this disgusting bruise on my arm. (So sick, that my husband took a picture of it last night.) And I have more needles to look forward to.

What in the world am I thankful for? My loving husband. For being so thoughtful and supportive. When I complained about it all and told him what I/we needed to do, he looked me in the eyes and said the kindest thing:

"Just let me know when I need to do ya."

Behold my Awe-Summm

2009-04-29T11:55:00.001-07:00

Well, well, well, will you check me out? Know what I am? Well, according to Stacie (click on her name) I'm this:

I'm blushing and my head is swollen to epic size. In fact, it's hard to walk as I keep tipping over. But I'm sure you guys are all warm and fuzzy, basking in my glory.

And this is all I have to do:

1.List seven things that make you awe-summm.
2.Pass the award on to seven bloggers you love.
3.Tag those bloggers to let them know that they are now Queens of All Things Awe-Summm.
4.Don't forget to link to the queen that tagged you.
5.If you would like, copy the pic and put it on your sidebar so everyone knows that you're a queen.

What are seven things that make me awe-summm? Let's see...

1) I think I'm a little bit smart. Not in any sort of way that will ever get me ahead in life, but I can finish a crossword puzzle and usually "get" the joke.

2) I can seriously rock a pair of "come fuck me" shoes.

3) I tend not to worry about too much stuff. Seems like 90% of the time, the stuff you fret about doesn't happen, so why waste the time and energy on stressing?

4) If you tell me a secret, I will take it to the grave. But only if you REALLY stress that it's a keeper. Otherwise, I will immediately tell Batgirl and my husband.
(And if you tell me it while I'm drinking, no worries. It's already forgotten.)

5) My killer rack. No, I'm totally joking. I'll go with my patience. Obviously I have moments where I want to snap and freak the fuck out. But, for the most part, I'm pretty laid back.

6) I'm generous. Almost to a fault. I've many times offered up money or help that I really shouldn't have. But I'm a giver.

7) I try very hard not to make snap judgments about people, and know that first impressions aren't everything. But I'll say this, I'm usually right. It may take 17 years for your (my sister-in-law) true colors to show, but I'll smile, knowing that I had you pegged.

Wow, now I just sound like a stuck up bitch. Fuck it. I'm Awe-Summm!

Alright, now to tag 7 of you ladies. This is going to take me for-fucking-ever.

Morninglight Mama

Revolutioniare

Bev

Mary

Harmony

Jessica

Calicobebop

Alrighty, all names should link over to some of my favorites. If it doesn't, I hereby vow to never link again.

And if you need further proof that I'm Awe-Summm, I'll have you know that I received another award today! I'll be posting that one and passing some out tomorrow. Man, I am just dizzy with power...

Link Love

2009-04-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

By now it's no secret about my inability to link you guys to stuff. To her credit, Harmony sent me an email and tried to explain. I was sort of embracing my stupidity, and was not at my "blog computer", so I didn't try. (But thank you Harmony!)

Then last week Peggy sent an email and told me how. Her words were so encouraging, along the lines of, "What? Are you a fucking idiot? It's not rocket science, you moron." Alright, I'm kidding. It wasn't at all like that.

I mustered up the courage and gave it a try. AND IT WORKED! I about died, I was so giddy. Sent Peggy an email and thanked her. She emailed something back, don't recall what, but I'll have you know she ended it with, "Sent from my iPhone...bitch."

Here's where the problem comes up. With my particular template, you can't tell that the word is highlighted. I'd noticed that before when trying to do something in bold, but wasn't that bothered by it. But now, NOW I have this new talent. I'm excited to share and to link people to people and all sorts of linky stuff.

What do I do? Do I change my template? Or keep this one and be forced to type things like CLICK HERE? And I like my template. If you close one eye, tilt your head, squint, and drink a bunch, she kind of looks like me. Ugh! Stupid knowledge.

Also, to end the suspense, the new perfume is Ed Hardy.

Just trying something here. I give up. The word "something" was supposed to be darker. Stacie, I guess that wasn't it...

I Hate Mondays

2009-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

Went to the doctor today. Naturally, I couldn't pee. She drew blood and will call me Wednesday. She's also checking my blood for something else. Clearly I was paying attention. Something to do with my FSH, I think. Honestly? I don't fucking know. That was Batgirl's guess. In the meantime, she told me to get some ovulation predictor tests. Picked those up at the store. That little hobby will run me $20 a week. THEN Batgirl tells me Target has them for half that price. I picked up a pregnancy test and, of course, it was negative. However, I possibly didn't do it right. I'm over this shit.

We had a great weekend! I struck a deal with my husband and got to sleep in Saturday. He took Stink to Perkin's and discovered what a chic magnet that kid is. He also told me he has a date next weekend. I'm fairly certain he was kidding. Stink looked around the restaurant and declared, "Everybody here is so OLD."

The rest of the weekend was wonderful. We squeezed in an hour long motorcycle ride before the rain moved in. Then we did a little shopping, went out for shitty Mexican food, went for ice cream, then to a different Mexican restaurant. Why? Because we wanted a Margarita. And this place has the best 'rita's. Also, it's where we had our first date. So while we slurped on our Fish Bowls, Stink devoured a huge dessert. Yes, after we'd gone for ice cream. Not surprisingly, all the sugar kicked in and he was a total freak. But whatever.

Yesterday my husband spent the entire day watching Nascar. I at first thought I might have to file for divorce, but was relieved to learn that their was honestly just nothing on. And Stink likes to watch for crashes. I hid out upstairs and got about 140 pages into a new book.

Last night brought a pretty good rain storm. That has made today pretty dark and gloomy. That is not helping my funk of a mood I'm in. I just want to sleep. And sleep some more.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend! I got behind on my blog reading but hope to catch up later tonight.

OH! One more thing! Batgirl was over the other night and FUCK, she smelled good! She let me borrow her perfume. I gave it a little spray. About 5 minutes later my husband asked if I was wearing it. When I said yes he replied "I'm horny as a motherfucker". It's good stuff! But I'm keeping it a secret! ;)

Meet The New Girls

2009-04-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've made two new friends this week. That's right. TWO. Count 'em!

(Remember how I don't know how to type things so that you can click on it and it links you to something? OK. Cool.)

First, meet my new friend Peggy. Over there on my followers, she's the hot blond, third over on the top row. I "met" her last Friday. She left a funny comment on LOTD and I headed over to her blog. And holy fucking shit, she had posted the SAME video of "Spiders on Drugs" on the SAME day! If that doesn't just scream BFF, I don't know what does.

So I've been reading her and, let me tell you, she's FUNNY! Yesterday she left a comment about my Internet addiction and she mentioned an iPhone. I commented back that I don't even really know what that is. I had no clue if she saw my follow up comment or not.

Cut to last night. I left a comment on her "Fuck the Earth" video. And she emailed me back! And, at the end of it, it said "Sent from my iPhone". I laughed. So I emailed her back and asked if she was just rubbing it in. (I've since figured out that the iPhone automatically puts that on there. Either that, or she's truly sadistic). So THEN she emails me to tell me she's laying in bed, watching her 46 inch TV, getting her feet rubbed by a hot Italian guy. Bitch.

I commented on her post today and I'll have you know that she's already emailed me to let me know she's getting a pedicure. Love her!

Next, meet Kate. She's top row, far left. My newest follower. She delurked on my "Frenchy" post. Then on my addiction post, she commented that perhaps I could "mainline" it. Tell me that's not funny!

I'm sitting around last night and I get an email. It lets me know that I have a new comment on my blog. From Kate. From my VERY FIRST POST EVER! And it says, "Starting from the beginning...". Seriously? OMG, how cool is that??? And I really wish I could email her. Ahem.

Kate's blog is great. She's got two super cute kids and her hubby is pretty easy to look at. And the very best part? She's pregnant!! I'm hoping that by reading her, my chances of getting knocked up will increase.

So those are my two new friends. I'm just giddy about it. Everyone say hi to Peggy and Kate!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. The weather is crazy today! Going to be 87. Husband took off work (must be nice) to go ride his motorcycle. Stink is with us this weekend, so no telling what we'll get into.

Monday I'm headed to the doctor. Time for my pap to be smeared.(Peggy suggested I live blog it.) Hopefully she'll either tell me I'm pregnant (I'm so not) or she'll offer up something to increase the chances. Keep your fingers crossed. And I'll be keeping my legs uncrossed.

Edited to add***** God, I hope this works. And if it does, go tell her thank you.

***Fuck, this stupid template. The word "HER". Click on it.

The First Step Is Admitting

2009-04-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

I've got a full on addiction, I won't even lie. And it's my husband's fault. Before he came along, I could take it or leave it. Now, I've GOT to have it. ALL THE TIME. I think about it constantly, and the thought of not having it puts me into a state of panic.

That's right. I'm addicted to the Internet.

Before my husband moved in, I had a really old computer. And it was down in the basement. I used it primarily to email my ex, which wasn't often. And since I didn't care to hang out down there, I didn't mess around on it all that often.

My husband was appalled at how slow my computer was. So he bought me a new one. And that made Internet play a little more fun. But not too much.

And then he moved in. With his laptop. Which is plugged in right here in the family room. It never dies, I never have to get up, it's a win all the way around.

I get online as soon as I wake up. I stay online all day. I check email, my bank account, keep up with friends on Facebook, and troll blogs all day. I'm insatiable. I have my blog, which is my dirty little secret. (And with the recent outbreak of "myhusbandfoundititis", I'm terrified.)

The only exception is when my husband is around. He thinks blogs are "silly", and does not understand my obsession.

And that is why I have quit waking him up at a normal time. When I hear him getting out of bed, I shut the laptop off. And it kills me. I do a quick peek on everybody while he showers and gets ready for work, then it's off again. And the second he leaves for work, IT'S ON! And it stays on until the moment I go to bed. It's a disease.

I am a mess. I'm excited for my honeymoon, but a week away from the web? I'm starting to shake. Somebody please help me.

And, baby, if you ever find this blog, remember how much I LOVE YOU! And I've never said a bad word about ya!

What the French?

2009-04-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

In the past, I've mentioned that I watch some pretty awful reality television. And I don't care. That being said, I'll tell you that I watch "Rock of Love Bus". I admit it. And Batgirl was here the night of the season finale. They were showing clips from current and past seasons and she caught a glimpse of a former contestant. And she gasped, "WHAT was THAT?" Which made my husband and I about die.

So here's where I am forced to fess up to watching "I Love Money". It's true.

I explain to Batgirl that "That" is a contestant named Frenchy. She has a bangin' body, but a face that deserves a paper bag. I go on to tell her that she's impossible to understand. To the point where they subtitle her. As is his solution to everything, my husband says, "Google that shit."

So I did. And the best part of it all? When they subtitle her, they don't put what she's actually saying. They put what it SOUNDS like. Which just makes it even funnier. Evidently I'm not the only one that thinks so. Because I found this little nugget. And we laughed really hard. And then we watched it again.

(And my sincerest apologies to Blogger. You're not a bitch. I'm an idiot. We cool?)

And, for Bev:

You're Number One!

2009-04-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

I have this really funny thing dancing around in my head that I totally wanted to blog about. BUT, blogger is getting her period and has a major attitude problem. Bitch won't let me upload the video that I want.

So I'll just tell you that my weekend was a bunch of fun. My liver hurts a little, and if I'm not pregnant, then I give up.

Stink gets back from his dad's tomorrow. I've missed that little guy! But, honestly, I totally feel like I've been on vacation. And it's been NICE.

If I can get the video that I want to upload, then I'll run it. Because, I happen to think it's FUNNY. For now, I'll leave you with a picture that Stink "drew" of me on the computer.(And it's a picture OF the picture hanging on my fridge. Deal.) I particularly like the way it looks like I'm giving him the finger.

Come in. Speak.

2009-04-19T19:37:00.001-07:00

I really am not concerned with how much traffic my site gets. I really don't care. I installed Sitemeter, but then kind of forgot about it. Actually, to be honest, I signed up for it then forgot to attach it to my blog. Because I'm smart like that.

But since I'm a really cool wife and let my husband go out tonight, I'm messing around online. And I was checking out Sitemeter. Alright, what's up?

First off, I don't tend to get anybody here by means of funny google look ups. I got one person by way of "how do you get on Wife Swap?" That one sort of made me laugh. The only other funny one was that one of my posts got somebody to "stumble upon" my blog by way of key word "pornography". And it was that entry about the squirrels on my deck getting it on. I bet that person was bummed.

What kills me more is the amount of time people sit here and don't pipe up. Seriously, Bronx, New York? You were here for an hour and seven minutes. Didn't say a word. I wouldn't come hang out at your house for an hour and not speak. Just wanted to point that out.

AND, if you live in my state, say something! I'm talking to you, Emporia!

Alright, this was kind of a lame post. I'm drinking my wine, trying to kill my horrible hangover. Today has been a day spent trying to piece together last night. My husband finally found his shoes. They were in THE PIG, along with his keys, a bottle of beer, and what little was left of a bottle of Crown. We have no clue. We didn't go anywhere, so we're quite confused. If you have any clue, let me know. Thanks!

I'll leave you with a picture. I'm trolling around on myspace (I was TOTALLY bored) and on some random chic's page I find this picture. It was titled "Sexy Men". Um, bitch, that's MY husband!

Fuck it Friday

2009-04-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling blah today. Actually, quite hungover. I had all intentions of going to bed on time, but Batgirl called and we ended up talking for quite some time. About what? Couldn't tell ya. What time did I go to bed? No clue. Why was I naked when I woke up? Ask my husband. Then let me know.

So I'll leave you with a video. I got this as an email a year or so ago. I about died! I forwarded it to several people and got no response. I finally asked a few why, and learned that they didn't want to watch anything "educational". Seriously, do I strike you as the type that sends out informative shit? Just give it a minute.

Just go away, already!

2009-04-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

If I sat here and took the time to explain what makes my ex husband such an enormous asshole, it would take days and I'd likely develop carpal tunnel syndrome. So just roll with it.

So I've told you all how Stink wasn't enjoying Parents Day Out anymore and that we were looking for a new place. And, we found one. He's been twice and loved it. He only goes one day a week, but I unload him for 8 hours. And it's hella expensive. But worth it. They even feed him!

The ex emailed me this morning and said he'd like to pick Stink up Saturday morning and keep him until Wednesday. A few hours later I emailed him back. I told him that was fine, but that Stink had "school" on Wednesday. He could either take him that morning and I'd pick him up, or I could come get him Tuesday. He emailed me back 45 minutes later. A full on world record for him! Seriously, one time he took two weeks to respond to an email.

Anyway, looks like he's suffering from an outbreak of dickness. Because he flipped the fuck out. He even threatened to take me back to court. Seems he's pissed he wasn't in the loop about the new place, and why isn't he involved in these "major decisions". Dude! It's an extracurricular activity. That WE pay for! I'm not enrolling him in clown school, or opting to let him join the circus. Chill! And the scary thing is, he WOULD take me to court. He'll bitch about money, but always seems to be able to scrape together attorney fees. Whatever.

Earlier today I'm sitting downstairs on my ass. My husband and Stink are upstairs. And I heard the most heart warming little exchange between the two of them. It went a little something like this:

Stink: Ok, now what should I do?

Husband: Hold your pair of fives.

Melted my heart.

Here they are, embrace their cheese.

Whatever

2009-04-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I'm so bored and blah today. I was completely unable to fall asleep last night. Still up when my husband got home from work. Still up when he came to bed. Woke up before the alarm went off. I'm tired!

Stink is at his new school today. He's been once and got a good report. Hope today is going as well. I have to go pick up a case of wine (shut up) then go pick him up. Anxious to hear what they say.

In the meantime, I'm sitting on the couch with the laptop and a box of Cheez-its. And I've got crap television on. Not only crap, but crap I've seen before.

So how was that for an exciting post?

I'll tell ya a quick story. Stink had a particularly clumsy day yesterday. Every time I turned around he was hurting himself. I'm sorry, but it became almost comical. Especially the very last incident. In his frustration, he threw up his hands and told me, "I'm having the WORST day! I have hurt EVERYTHING. (Short pause). Except my penis." That' a good day, in my book.

Here's my result. Aren't these guys cute?

Double Bonus Post

2009-04-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day! And here I thought I had nothing to share!

Wanted to tell you all about my brush with fame. Go check out:

http://horriblelicenseplates.blogspot.com/

That's MY entry, folks! "THE PIG" has been waiting to air for months! But the one they put up today? I sent it in late Friday night. Funny shit. And don't tell them I sent you. I'm a secret, remember?

I'm Lazy

2009-04-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

Is the majority of the world on spring break? Matter of Fact Mommy and I were discussing this last night. Most of "the usual suspects" haven't been around or posting. Where the hell IS everybody?

So, that being said, I'm taking the easy way out and posting something lame. Yep, another quiz. For obvious reasons I don't put a lot of stock in the results. But, if you're bored, take it and let me know. If nothing else, take it just to see the ridiculous questions and answers to choose from.

Enjoy!

http://www.quizilla.com/quizzes/920439/what-sexual-position-are-you

I'm Lust

2009-04-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

And I'm not all that surprised about it. Allow me to explain why.

My husband worked until 11 Friday night. Then got up early and spent HOURS working on the yard. It's a big pile of dirt and we're hoping to actually have some grass this year. After doing all that, he turned around and had to work 3-11. Despite being worn out, he was planning to get up early Sunday and go to church with his mom.

He is a saint. He puts 100% into everything. He does anything I ask him to do, and never complains. And to show my appreciation, I had a little something in mind.

When he came home on his dinner break Saturday, he walked in to find laundry going, dinner in the oven, and me dusting. In high heels and the lingerie he got me for Christmas. Pretty great wife, aren't I?

Ok, here's the truth. I had no clue he was coming home. So in he walked at 5:00pm, to find me laying on my bed. In pajamas he hates. Laptop on, TV tuned in to "Real Housewives of New York". Reading a book. With a bag of BBQ chips laying next to my face. He called me a sloth and walked out.

Took that quiz, and it's official. I am a sloth.

Seven

2009-04-12T11:00:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter! Hope you are all enjoying your day, doing whatever it is you do on Easter. Me? Wrapped up in my Snuggie (what?) watching "Stand By Me", while my husband messes around trying to get the sprinkler system to work. Even though it's going to rain tonight.

In the spirit of the holiday, I have a question. If you were a deadly sin, which one would you be? If you'd like some help with your answer, check out this link:

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/seven_deadly_sins.html

I tried it, and it matched exactly what my husband said I'd be. Let me know, then I'll let you know what mine is, according to him.

Peace out!

Size Matters

2009-04-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

Since random worked yesterday, I'm going to give it another go. Because I'm lazy. It's one of those dreary, rainy days.

I had some stupid morning show on earlier and during it they mentioned that it's "Fight off cold and Flu Week". I find it really weird when they dedicate a day or week or month to such things. Personally? That is an around the clock thing for me.

Speaking of, I heard a little gem on the radio the other day. Did you know it's "Eat Out Month"? Yep! Ladies, tell your husbands! Don't quote me, but I think it was a commercial for Houlihan's. Anyway, it's "Eat Out Month, if you don't eat at Houlihan's, eat somewhere". Yes, indeed.

Then I flipped channels and caught the last half of a conversation on a radio show that I like. I enter right as this chic is saying, "Well, it's just something you have to keep doing and you'll eventually love it". Of course, my mind goes straight to the gutter. So imaging my utter glee when the DJ asks, "And now, you love anal sex"? And...SHE DOES! I love this show! But then it turned weird...

The DJ and his little sidekick start talking about different likes and fetishes and whatnot. Sidekick has an odd thing for chics wearing pantyhose. That's not that weird, I guess. But then DJ mentions his whole love of playing the "rape game". And that just creeps me out. I mean, sure, pull my hair, spank my ass, rape me? No thanks. And it just got creepier when he says that while playing this "game", he likes to wear masks. And he mentions the "Jason" mask. I'm sorry, but that's just terrifying to me.

And the worst part about this all is that I've heard him talk about this before. I was on a first date with a guy, right after my divorce. We were headed out to the stadium to go to a ball game. And we're listening to the radio. And the same DJ makes the same statement about the same "game". Then asks, "Doesn't everybody enjoy it?", and right as I'm blurting out "Um, NO", my date is saying, "Well, sure". That was a short lived relationship.

The other night Stink is walking around in a pair of boxers. Up until now he's only had boxer briefs. I bought the boxers only to discover they are way too big. So until he grows into them, I've considered them to be "sleep shorts". And, evidently, Stink thinks of them that way, too, and hasn't grasped that they are underwear.

So, he's sitting on my bed watching TV. He notices the opening in front, similar to his boxer briefs, but, in his mind, somehow different. He asks me what it is. I pause. Then explain that when he's bigger that that's how he'll get his penis out to go potty. (Currently, he's a pants down, sit on the potty peer, 98% of the time). He thinks about this for a minute then asks, "Is my penis going to get bigger"? I fight back a smile and tell him, "Well, yes, that's the plan". And he gets the saddest look on his face and cries, "But I don't WANT IT TO".

Oh, kid, you say that now. But those big blue eyes will only get you so far in life.

Enjoy your weekend! Happy Easter, if you're into that sort of thing.

The One That Got Away

2009-04-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

***Blogger is being weird to me today. If it's spaced oddly, it wasn't me.

Yesterday I mentioned getting 3 jerky emails from my ex husband. Let's talk about one of them.
According to our divorce decree, it was my year to claim Stink on my taxes for 2007. It was right there, in black and white. So imagine my surprise when the tax preparer called to tell me that my child had already been claimed. I was on the phone with the IRS for about 14 hours when someone finally told me to just file on paper. We'd both eventually get letters telling us to work it out, and at that point my ex would need to fix his "mistake". So that's what I did.

Several months ago I got a letter from the IRS. No big deal. To be on the safe side, I contacted the IRS. Again. 7 hours later, I was, again, assured I didn't do anything wrong and didn't need to do anything. This was all up to my ex to correct.

I emailed him. Told him what was up. Not surprisingly, he didn't respond.

I don't know what inspired me to do this, but in an email to him last week I asked if he'd ever taken care of things. He emailed back, one line, yes, he's dealing with the IRS. Great.

Monday night I got an email from him. He tells me that he's spent a great deal of time talking to the IRS and to "his accountant". And basically, they've come up with a solution. It seems that if he deals with the IRS, he would need to pay them back. And it wouldn't be until that was taken care of that they would issue my stimulus refund check for Stink. Could be quite a while. (By the way, I've already gotten that. Don't know what he's talking about. Or why he cares.)

Ok...so here's his suggestion. My husband and I have already done our taxes this year. I'm assuming my ex has as well. It was his year to claim Stink. I'm sure he was all over it. But he proposes that I claim Stink next year, my year, and then ALSO the next year. Then we'd get back to alternating. And that would somehow make us "even".

(By the way, he went so far as to say that the lady he spoke to was "sort of laughing" when she suggested this. Also, he went on to say, "I don't know if I believe her". Weird.)

Just a few problems with this genius plan. First, according to his explanation of how to handle things, technically, I'd NEVER get the stimulus check. I guess he didn't realize that when he came up with his game plan. And I guess he thinks I'm too stupid to realize it.

Second, although it would even US out, um.....I'm pretty sure the government wants their money back. They paid out twice for the same kid. They don't enjoy doing that.

After 9 1/2 hours on the phone yesterday I was, AGAIN, told that I'm right. The lady told me that the IRS would continue to send letters until someone amended their return. It needed to be done. Ex's plan, although cute, not cool.

So I emailed him back. Said NO, your plan won't work. You need to pay back whatever you got. Take care of it.

Motherfucker sends me this total dickhead response last night. And this is a copy & paste from the original:

"That's fine Mare. I guess the IRS agent I spoke with doesn’t know as much as whoever you got your information from ? I have asked the IRS if it is possible to make payments which was OK with them. Just so you know, with child support, insurance on Sam and the fact that we have basically came to a screeching halt at work,(unfortunately with the economy)overtime has ceased. It could take a while to pay the amount back. Once I have paid in full, you should be able to file a 1040 X for the year 2006. I will get the process going."

Asshole. And, Mare? WTF? He's never called me that. I really just want to kick him in the teeth.

And keep in mind that that's just one of 3 emails. We've still got two to go, people!

Ok, here's a picture of Stink at the carnival held by the school he goes to for speech therapy.

Insert Nelson Muntz laugh here...

Let's Talk About Bacon

2009-04-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

My ex husband is such a dick. I mean, really. I got a total of 3 emails from him yesterday, each one even dickier than the last. It kept me up late, made me drink more than I wanted to, and made me tired today. Such a dick. And he's the reason I spent way too much of my day dealing with the IRS. Dick.

OK, current husband. In adddition to a car (that I refer to as "Little, gay car") and a motorcycle (that I find to be really hot) he also as this piece of shit truck. It's a 1994 Dodge Ram 4x4. It has roughly 514,000 miles on it. But he loves it.

It's paid for. He can haul stuff. It's what we drive when the weather sucks. Stink thinks it's the coolest thing ever. We once had some really hot sex in it. You can tell it was the shit back in the day. It's great.

But the thing is a gas guzzler. Big time! To the point where he refers to it as "The Pig", for the way it just consumes gas. And The Pig is an accepted term. Everyone knows what he's talking about when he says it. That's what Stink calls it. Even my mother refers to it like that. It is THE PIG.

So we're in the liquor store over the weekend. I need wine, husband needed beer. I'm browsing over the whites when I hear two women talking. And I quickly realize what they are talking about.

One says, "Why in the world would anybody advertise that fact"? And then the other says, "You know he's single". Yep...

Stand back, ladies. He's all mine!!

And a picture of Stink in what he calls his pig...

The Weekend is Over

2009-04-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

Friday night was pretty normal. Except I was chatting away with Batgirl when my husband got home from work early. That led to me staying up way too late and drinking way too much.

Luckily, Stink slept in on Saturday. And he was supposed to spend the day with his other Grandma, or, "OG". They arrived to pick him up and Stink walked out with shoulders down like I was sending him off to reform school. I guess he told her he didn't want to go. I slipped on some shoes and went out and tried to get him excited about going. At one point OG says to me, "Don't make him go". Um, thanks, you stupid cow. I wouldn't do that. But I knew he'd regret it if he didn't go. Ultimately he went and had a lot of fun.

Saturday night he was scheduled to have a slumber party at my parents house. He was dying to get there! Not sure what that says about OG, but whatever.

My husband decided he didn't feel like going to that party that we were supposed to. I was beyond relieved. We did some random stuff around here, then decided to watch a movie. Something I'm not a big fan of doing. He wanted to watch "Clerks". I'd seen it a million years ago and don't recall hating it. I thought it was a total suck fest. In fact, at one point I started doing a crossword puzzle. Then we watched "Clerks 2". Not as bad, but the only parts I laughed at had Jay & Silent Bob in them.

Sunday I was so lazy I possibly morphed into a sloth. We had a lousy dinner, put Stink to bed, and tried to watch "Pineapple Express". Could NOT get into it. I watched "Celebrity Apprentice" while my husband played solitaire on the laptop. While I constantly nagged him about what cards to move. Poor, poor guy.

Today we took Stink to speech therapy, then off to tour a new school. Teddy can kiss my ass.

Also today, my email inbox greeted me with a rant from my ex husband. Dickhead.

I've had a migraine all day. I'm going with migraine and not hangover, as hangover headaches don't tend to get worse as the day goes by, ultimately ending in me puking.

Tonight I'll be watching the big dance, and rooting for Michigan State. Us KU fans have a grudge against the UNC coach. So, take that!

Here's a snippet from a conversation between my husband and I while I was doing my crossword puzzle:

Me: Hmmmm...

Him: What?

Me: Just an odd clue.

Him: What?

Me: It's "an unfinished screw".

Silence

Him: Does "blue balls" fit?

I love him.

Nothing Funny Here

2009-04-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

I'm serious. This will not at all be funny. I'm doing this one for Mary. Look, I don't know how to do it so you can click on her name and link to her page. And I kind of don't want to learn. But she's a follower, a fiercely loyal commenter, and my sister from another mother. Go read her. She's super funny. Her likes are murder, camping, and bears. And I owe her a story about my communication with a serial killer. Go check her out. She's "Grilling in the Rain by Flashlight".

It was Saturday of Father's Day weekend of 1989. My dad was irate with me. The night before, I arrived home with my car attached to a tow truck. He was headed out with my cousin to help her look for a new car. She had totalled hers, and her parents are 3 hours away.

So they head off and pick one out. She goes to work at her part time job until 9:00pm. Then heads out with her friends. Arrives home around 4:00am.

On Monday her dad, my Uncle, calls us. Very frantic. He'd been worried that she'd not called to wish him happy Father's Day, which was very unlike her. Now, he was in full on panic mode. Her job called and said she'd been a no call, no show. VERY unlike her. And that's when it all began to unfold.

I'll try to keep it concise. What was later determined was that a man had broken into her apartment. Most likely, he was already there when she got home. But there was evidence that she'd changed clothes, ate a piece of toast, and smoked. So it's possible he broke in while she was there. Needless to say, he kidnapped her. There were multiple ATM withdrawls from her account, each for the maximum amount, until the account was drained.

Because of my Uncle's connections in journalism, he pulled some strings and got her picture on the news very quickly. It was ALL OVER THE PLACE! We all handed out flyer's, there was a billboard, it was madness. Missing person, missing rental car.

Around this time, two other girls go missing. There was no connection between my cousin and these girls. Except that they were missing. And there bank accounts had been drained.

A tipster called in and said that he thought the rental car was in his apartment parking lot. It turned out it was hers. And it was later discovered that her blood was in the trunk.

Ok, here's where I become the worst person ever, and tell you that I don't remember all the details. It was 20 years ago! But long story short, here we go.

A suspect was named. He was ratted out by an ex that he was going to see in Texas. He was arrested at the airport. He was eventually brought back to KC and put on trial for the murders of the 3 girls, and another girl in Wichita, KS. He was found guilty of the 3 local murders. He will NEVER get out of prison. And he will NOT say where the bodies are. That's right, 20 years and NO BODIES.

His conviction was a major big deal. (Kansas did not have the death penalty at the time, or I'm sure he'd have gotten it. He made a big point to say, about the bodies, "You can dig them up in Kansas".) It was the first and, to my knowledge, only time in Kansas that somebody was convicted of murder without a body.

The reason why Mary (pretend her name is highlighted and you can click on it) wanted to hear this story, is because I once mentioned making contact with a serial killer. And she wanted details.

At some point there was a huge outcry from the public. It seems that many women found this killer to be handsome. They were literally waiting in line to visit him in prison. He's got a website. (Obviously ran by a "fan"). So I get really drunk (sense a theme with me?) and summon up the nerve to contact him. I swear to you, my arm hair stood up when I got his response. I've managed to block most of it out, but remember that he offered to make me his "missive". It was then that I thought I'd be all clever. I was convinced I could gain his trust and get him to tell me where the bodies were. Needless to say, I failed miserably. I emailed back about reading all about him and thinking he was innocent. I don't know what set him off, but he dumped me.

So, there you go. If you are into true murder stuff, like I was at one point, you can google Richard Grissom. My cousin was Joan Butler. There is a well written book about it all, but if you are a reader of such things and decide to get it, let me know. There's an error in the book that I'll clear up. Because it involves my parents.

At the end of the book is a quote from my other cousin, Joan's brother (which he totally ripped off, but somehow got credit for). I'm too lazy to go grab the book, but I think it's along these lines:

"I asked God for all things so that I might enjoy life. God gave me life so that I might enjoy all things".

And because I want to lighten the mood, here's your Sedaris quote for the day. And I find it fitting.

"Though it probably has its moments, the average day spent in hiding is bound to beat the average day spent in prison".

We'll get back to funny tomorrow...

His little halo is crooked

2009-04-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

About 4 or 5 months ago I decided to put Stink into Parents Day Out. I wanted him to be out and around some other kids. And, frankly, he was on my nerves.

So one day a week he goes to the church up the street. (That fact that it's a church does not matter to me at all. I picked the place based on location and the fact that they had an opening.) And one day a week he gets in trouble. And I'm over it.

There's only one other boy his age. The little pricks name is Teddy. And the "teacher" just so happens to be the mother of Teddy. I KNOW my kid isn't perfect, far from it, but I tend to think there's a little favoritism going on. And Stink has an imaginary version of Teddy that wreaks havoc all over the house. I want to choke that kid!

Yesterday, "Miss Big, fat ass" director called and said that Stink was in a bit of trouble. He'd not gotten his way about being the line leader, and kicked the teacher. I told her he'd been a bit out of sorts since coming back from a long visit with his dad, sorry, call me back if you need to.

Little while later, the phone rings. "Miss Big, fat ass" again. Maybe Stink should just be picked up a little early? He's out of control. Fucking great.

I'm trying to talk to him about it last night and he very proudly tells me, "God loves me even when I'm bad".

Super! Thank you, "Miss Big, fat ass". I have no problem with talking to my child about God. I totally meant to get around to that. So, my thing is, I don't know why she said that to him? It's not as if he was crying, worried that God had turned on him. And now my kid thinks that he has some sort of "get out of jail free" card. He's totally not going back there again.

Ok, here's a double shot from Sedaris. And it's about sister Amy, so I think it's a good one:

"He wouldn't understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to beak up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky.
The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not really into white guys right now'".

And a picture of Stink, who is likely on the phone with his best friend, God. And in the background, my husband with MY best friend, Wine.

Batgirl, Part Two

2009-04-02T14:48:00.001-07:00

I spent the better part of yesterday mentally composing the post about Batgirl. By the time I finally got to the computer I was worn out and, I won't lie, quite drunk. That being said, I left a few things out. And that isn't acceptable.

I meant to go into how fucking funny my friend is. She can't tell a joke to save her life, but she is funny! I once almost had a heart attack from laughing at one sentence she said. I have zero recollection of the topic of conversation. Admittedly, I probably was only paying partial attention. Because I'm a good friend like that. And I don't know what I said, or what she said, but her follow up statement was, "Like the time I got bit by that monkey". And she really did, but I bet it had been ten years since she mentioned it, so I was slightly caught off guard. But she's the only person I've ever met who could make that claim.

We used to meet on Mondays before our shift at work together. We'd order mozzarella sticks, shoot some pool, and have a beer. I don't know how this happened, but it's because of her that I can now say "yes" to the question, "Have you ever gone to work completely hammered"? We sobered up at work, then went out drinking that night. I don't recall the specifics, but I know the night ended with us offering muffins to a man we thought was homeless. When, in fact, he was not. Merely reading the paper. Easy mistake.

After another night of drinking, she managed to get us into a fight with a group of teenage boys in what I'm sure was their mothers Audi. In a Taco Bell parking lot. From the middle console of her Camaro (that's right, I said CAMARO) she pulled out some sort of Chinese death star thing. A fight ensued and blood was shed. The blood being mine, from that stupid death star. But lifelong memories were formed that night.

I'm fortunate that she remembers everything. Every. little. detail. And I'm not so fortunate that she was witness to my accidental onstage performance with a drag queen at the Cabaret Club.

She sent me an email about my post, and I just want you all to know that she approved the name "Batgirl". She thanked me profusely for not naming her "Ballgirl", as she was concerned my dear readers would think she was a fan of Teabagging.

Although she is not near the avid reader I am, we both share a common love for an author. Since you all know (I'm guessing) that I'm a fan of the KU Jayhawks, I can tell you how delighted I was when he signed my book, "Fly, mighty Jayhawk, fly". He's David Sedaris and if you've never read him, you should. But only if you like to laugh really, really hard.

That being said, I'm going to leave you with a picture of me and Batgirl. And? A bonus. A random quote from a random book by Mr. Sedaris. There's no rhyme or reason to my choice of quotes. And if you're lucky, I just might do it everyday. If you're lucky.

"Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life-no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito".

Guess who's back? Back again?

2009-04-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

For most of my adult years, I have gotten along with men better than women. Just the way I am. I enjoy the bonding of females, but deplore the cattiness and gossip and drama that go along with it.

However, when I was 20, I met a girl.... And this is what my story is about. Pull up a chair, my lovely followers.

On the side, I asked her if she wanted a code name. She did, but was totally blanking. But mentioned something about a superhero. I came up with one. It sucks. You'll figure it out, and I'll explain later.

Ok, so we're 20. We work together. Not digging her at first, because her primary job (other than being a full time nursing student) was at Hooter's. And I judge. But she grows on me. I like her. She mentions having a fake id.

About an hour after I turn 21, I called her. We went out that night. And a new friendship was formed. Batgirl and I become tight.

I was with her for her 21st birthday. Her wedding. The birth of both of her daughters. And the two miscarriages that happened between those two births.

She's my rock. She was the witness to my first marriage. Fittingly, she watched Stink during my glorious appearance in divorce court. She's my sons Godmother.

I'm her daughters Godmother. I watched her two girls while she and her (now ex) husband met with MY former divorce attorney.

She was at my brothers funeral.

BUT...we were not immune to problems. We "broke up" more than once during our run. Sometimes briefly, sometime longer.

Our last breakup was in late March of 2008. I was done. Although my husband ALWAYS encouraged me to mend things. She is on a very short list of 2 friends of mine that he likes. Being stubborn, I ignored him.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day of this year. I won't divulge too much info about her life, but, by way of google, I found out that she lost someone very close and dear to her. Husband immediately told me to email her. But, the timing (Valentines) and my blood alcohol content (we were Stink free that night) kept me from doing so.

A couple days later I emailed her my condolences. We had several back and forth emails. Not exactly a reconciliation, but definitely a "Hey, hope you're well, keep me posted" sort of thing.

And THEN, about a week ago I emailed her again. Why? Because SHE is the proud owner of that horrid childhood picture of me. And we got into a serious volley of emails. Eventually that led to a (GASP) phone call.

And, I shit you not, it was like not a moment had passed. We were on the phone FOREVER. In fact, I only ended our second call because my husband pulled in the driveway and I didn't want to hear any shit about how long we'd been talking.

We came dangerously close to actually hanging out this past Saturday. There were weather and job factors involved, that ultimately worked against us. And it sucked. Because for about 20 minutes I was super psyched to see her. As was my husband. He commented later that he would have driven us around while we drank and she took pictures (AWESOME photographer) of the newly blossoming trees and plants with 5 inches of snow on them. (Midwest weather, what can you do?)

Current day, we're emailing like crazy. She's finally getting off the dreaded overnight shift she works and headed to days. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have her back in my life. Again, she is my rock. Batgirl is back!!!

Ok, here is a picture of her and I at a KC Royals game. She's on the far right (HA!). Guy in the middle is Sluggerrr. That's right, 3 r's. This was a most awesome day. I came up with "Batgirl" because of our brief love affair with major league baseball. And because "Ballgirl" sounded way too wrong.

It seems that I'M the fool...

2009-04-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, two posts in one day. You lucky readers, you!

I had these stuffed pork chops all ready to go. Just needed to throw them in the oven. I'd have dinner taken care of for Stink and I, and my husband could take his to work.

Oven warms up and I put them in. Set timer for 45 minutes. Realize I set it for 45 hours. Correct mistake.

Timer goes off and I take them out. I'm looking at them, thinking they don't look quite done. Go so far as to touch them, and they aren't all that hot. I'm two seconds away from saying, "I'm sure they're fine", like I always do. Husband comments:

"The oven isn't on".

Oh, shit! When I "fixed" the timer, I hit "cancel" and turned off the oven.

They're finally done now. And the difference between how they looked before and after is striking. But to think, I came this close to poisoning all of us.

And, in keeping with the theme, I leave you with this:

I Pity the Fool

2009-04-01T07:17:00.001-07:00

It's April first, a day that makes people lie and pull pranks. I hate this day, as I always fall for something. Despite my best efforts not to, I always do. I also hate Halloween, but whatever.

I think the universe is playing a joke on me. I'm hungry all the time, am sporting two zits, my hair is shedding, and I'm gaining weight. Pregnant? Not one bit. Hot? Oh, hell yes.

My baby Stink is home from his dads and I am so happy to have him back. His little "queer eye" noticed the new switch plate and outlet covers and he LOVES them.

My husband unexpectedly dropped in on his lunch hour last night. Seems he'd been missing the little kid, as well. Watching Stink crawl up on his lap while they exchange "I love yous" just melts me heart.

A HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to Harmony at Life in the L O!!!

And, I assure you, there is NO, ZERO correlation between my birthday wishes and the following picture. But I simply can NOT wait another day to post this. Because, seriously, what the french?

Blogger Protection Program

2009-03-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

For awhile there, I went through a really weird phase. And that was, every time something of significance happened I would think to myself, "I need to update my Facebook status". Really stupid, I know. But it was a voice inside my head:

"Mary is hungry",

"Mary is watching basketball",

"Mary just had sex".

And it's happening again. Except not Facebook. With this here blog. Every little thing that happens, I wonder to myself, "Is this good blog fodder"? And I'll start to draft it in my head. And then I'll often title it. And it's a little annoying.

My husband changed over a bunch of our outlet and switch plate covers from brass to silver last weekend. And, at one point, I was going to take a picture of him doing it and, oh, I don't know, post about it. But how do I explain taking the picture?

Or something will happen and it will remind me of something I read on a blog. Or a comment someone left. And I'll stop myself from laughing to myself.

Why? Because my husband has NO CLUE this blog exists. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, but I like having something all mine. And I like that I don't have to edit myself because of what he might think or say.

I'm sure that one day he'll discover my secret identity. And that's fine. I'll welcome him with open arms. But, for now, I enjoy being the undercover blogger.

And with my recent post about my hatred for being nude, I thought this picture would be appropriate to post. It's Stink on his 4th birthday. Apparently, he didn't inherit the gene.