What up, yo?

How is everybody this Monday morning? It's all kinds of gloomy and cloudy here, as it has been for what seems like a month. I'm over it! The kid got over his almost week long illness and is with his dad until tomorrow. The hubs is still sleeping, making me want to kill him dead, as I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm hoping he and my dad can assemble the new swing set while Stink is gone, but it might be too wet and muddy.

I've got news, I've got clips, I've got issues to discuss. I really need to get back into the swing of blogging, even if no one reads this crap anymore. For now, I assume you have all seen the kid singing Lady Gaga, and since I can't watch it without tearing up, I'll skip it and repost these little girls. Angels, they are.

Hope you all have a fabulous day!

It's That Time

Last night I was considering posting, and thinking that since I seem to stop by once a month I'm sort of like your Aunt Flo. But then I realized I was nowhere to be seen in January or March. I'm thinking you are either pregnant, or have some sort of disorder. Regardless, y'all want might want to see your doctor. Me? Still not pregnant. I responded well to a higher dosage of whatever the hell it is I take that makes me weepy, and am currently "timing intercourse." It's as romantic as it sounds. I'll warn you advance, if this blog is a'rockin'...

So, let's see. How about we do a little photo recap? That seems to be an easy way to catch up. (And if we're friends on Facebook, I apologize in advance, as I'm sure you've seen all these.)

Behold, the first day of spring.



Yes, we were surprised, to say the least. Literally, the day prior we had the windows open and had the bike out. We've been patiently waiting for good weather, so we've gotten creative about how to kill time indoors. Enter some laundry baskets and zip ties.



And a flight of stairs.




Spring finally appeared for real, and hubby got to FINALLY try out the contraption he and my dad built months ago.



To his utter delight, the Jeep is now "naked." For whatever reason, he scoffed at my suggestion that he leave my door on. What? I don't want to fall out! Or anybody to see my fat, pale legs. Oh well, my boys are happy.



Stink is doing well. Had a minor incident, but he's better now.



Stitches are out, and I am pleased as punch that he "graduated" from speech therapy. He's been going for over 3 years. His teacher said he's on point for his age, he's tired of "doing his words", and she's heard enough about Transformers to last her entire life.



The weather has been delightful, and we took full advantage of it last weekend while Stink was with his dad.




We stopped at "Bar", and I regret to inform you it is under new ownership with a new name. So bummed.



Easter was nice. Sam was pleased with his haul.



Cut to the current day. Yesterday was the home opener for the Royals. We lost. Shocker. Last night I cheered my heart out for Butler to beat Duke. Didn't happen. I'm one unhappy sports fan today.

Gee, I'm rereading this and thinking what a total pile of suck this is. I apologize. Come back next time and I'll regale you with a tale about my trip to the dentist.

What Was I Saying?

Wow. Been a bit since I've posted, huh? I could give some reasons but I think I'll just skip that part and let's see if I can get back on track. And, if not, no big deal there, either. Life goes on.

So where were we? Christmas Eve? Yikes. OK, Christmas Day was a blast. The snow started to fall at a lovely pace, shortly before we headed over to my in-law's house.



As always, there was great food and fabulous company. With full bellies we broke out the Wii and there was serious gaming that took place. I opted to sit out and be in charge of picture taking. Christmas spirit be damned, the competition was fierce.



We left about 8:00pm and went to snag Sam from his dad's house. He was very excited to see what Santa had delivered to our house. Needless to say, the fat man (Santa, not my ex) did not disappoint. And the battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons began.



They set out to defend the universe while I sat in the kitchen and drank. By the time Stink called it a night, I was loosened up and ready to play. Ahem.



Much to our surprise, the ex offered to take Sam on New Years Eve, even though it wasn't his year. We had dinner with my parents, then watched a movie and hung out. A very nice evening, safe and warm at home.



January brought us, um, nothing that I can think of. Well, I quit smoking. So there's that.

February brings my birthday, which is "just another day" in my book. I got a KU Snuggie, which thrilled me! Hubby had to work so my baby and I ordered pizza and snuggled. Pretty great day!

Ah, Valentine's Day. The most romantic day of the year. Check out my lovely surprise.



And then, on to celebrate our love, devotion, and commitment to one another.






Overpriced beer, the most disgusting hot dog I've ever encountered, and Monster Trucks. Feel the freaking love! Honestly? It was pretty darn great, only because Stink had such a blast. The venue wasn't the best, there was a ton of walking, a multi-flight escalator that about made me puke, and white trash galore. Who could ask for more? But when it was all said and done and my sweet child told my wonderful husband that he's "the best dad ever", my heart melted.

That was my quarterly effort. See ya when I see ya!

I'm Aliiiiiive!!!

Wow, where the hell have I been? I haven't even posted once in December? Quite the blogger, I am.

I guess the biggest reason has been Stink's cough that started in what seems like 1989, but since that's impossible, we'll go with late October. It never turned into much, and with no fever or complaints from him, I let it go way longer than I should have. I'll spare you the boring details, but we were at the Doctor's office twice, Walk-In Healthcare once, and the Emergency Room twice. Prescriptions for Antibiotics, Codeine, two rounds of Steroids, and lots of breathing treatments. A diagnosis of Pneumonia, Bronchitis, and finally, Childhood Asthma. That was a bummer to hear, but in some sort of holiday miracle, simply correctly diagnosising it seems to have cured him. He's so much better and hasn't needed a breathing treatment since, just the occasional inhaler puff. Hooray! (So much for the boring details.)



Christmas was wonderful in these parts. Sam enjoyed helping me make cookies, something that I detest. The cookie cutters failed me, and after getting way too irritated with them, I made the ever popular and festive "Christmas Circles".




Our tree was nice, despite the majority of the ornaments being in a major cluster, at about the 3 1/2 feet mark.



I will freely admit to the fact that I went extremely overboard with the presents.



Sam enjoyed all of his gifts, 98% of which were some sort of Transformers product.



No present left behind!



That was Christmas Eve morning, then later in the day we headed over to see my parents. And open more presents. He deemed this helmet "boring."



Until he opened the next gift.




We gave my mom a KU Snuggie.



And then she died.



So Sam and I borrowed it for a quick Snuggie snuggle.



Then he and hubby played by the roaring fire.




The original plan was for Stink's dad to pick him up at our house at 8:30, but he had called around 4:00 and mentioned the weather "getting nasty." I believe his intention was to come and get him right then. Nice try! We kindly delivered Stink to his house at the prearranged time. All praise the Jeep!

However, the snow was really coming down. We had to pull over a few times to get ice off of the windshield wipers, which is when I snapped this picture.




The snow just kept coming and coming, and it was wonderful.

Well, I am completely tired of uploading pictures. And what an incredibly lame post this has been. The best part? We aren't even up to Christmas Day! Lucky you guys!

I'm going to try to do Part Two before the year 2010, but if my track record is any indicator, I should go ahead and wish you all a Happy New Year right now.

(For whatever stupid reason, I can't get Spellcheck to work at the moment. If you catch any errors, assume typo. Not wine. Typo.)

Oh, Shuck Me!

Last Wednesday I took Stink to preschool and then his dad was picking him up afterwards and keeping him until Sunday. I feel (a little) bad about admitting how much I was looking forward to him being away for a few days. But, seriously, between schedule conflicts and illness it seemed like it had been ages since he was out of here for a bit. I would love to say I spent my free time cleaning (which I actually did some of) but mainly I enjoyed moving at my own pace and basking in some alone time with my husband. When he returned Sunday evening I was going through his school bag and came across this.



Super. Did the ex tell me about this? No. Despite the recent trip to the ER? Still no. Despite him sending an email telling me that Sam wasn't going to school on Friday because of a persistent cough? Again, no. Luckily, Stink seems to be feeling better and is on the upswing.

Today after school I was digging through his bag and came across another piece of his "art". With Thanksgiving looming, I assumed it was an ear of corn that hadn't been completely shucked and posted it on the fridge in such manner. (Wasn't sure what odd farm disease the corn was suffering from, but I rolled with it.)





Later Sam told me it was a picture of me. Oh. OK. I repositioned it and, again, rolled with it. Sure, my hair isn't that dark, and I wondered about some of the coloring, but who am I to judge his "art"? (And since when do I look so angry?)




It was at that time he told me it was upside down. So, like any good mommy I flipped it over. Does anybody else see what I do? And, PLEASE, don't make any lewd, crude, or rude comments. Hubby is already not loving that I'm putting this out there. But seriously, take a peek.



I swear, I have no clue. Happy Thanksgiving!

And The Winner Is...

Well, this is sort of hard to judge. The deal was to guess what it is and what I thought it was, which nobody really did. But I'll give you all props for being freakishly good at this game. And for making me laugh. Oprah? Good one.

Anyhoo, it is, in fact, an elephant. However, for 3 days it hung on my fridge where I thought of it as a bat. Until Stink explained to my husband that you stick your little arm through it to make the trunk. (Said perverted husband offered another solution. And don't act like you didn't think of that.)

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter who "won", since I wasn't able to make a donation in any other name but my own. But I kept to my word and donated $10 to Mala's cause, and it looks like she's up to a total of $115. Way to go, girl!

Other than that, I've got nada going on. For a few hours last night I was broken out in hives. I have no idea why, but the only thing out of the norm for me was that I ate a mini candy bar. Neither of my guys like coconut, so all Mounds and Almond Joys are still sitting in Sam's enormous bowl of Halloween candy. So...I helped myself. But the funniest part was that immediately after telling my husband that I ate one, he asked me which one had nuts in it. I thought he was kidding, so I spouted off the ancient jingle, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't." Much to my surprise, he AGAIN asked me which one has nuts. Really? ALMOND Joy?!?! His blond moments are so few and far between (read: never) that I cherish them dearly.

My only other "news" is that I got carded at the liquor store tonight. Made. My. Day. And, yes, it was prior to me handing him my debit card that says "See ID" on back. So, hooray for me! Unfortunately, it was downhill from there. He asked me if I was a teacher at Mill Creek. I stood there with a completely blank stare on my face for what seemed like an eternity. I'm not a teacher, and not entirely sure where Mill Creek even is, so you can imagine my confusion. At this point I should mention that since I hadn't yet showered (what?) I had grabbed a hat belonging to my husband. Any guess what it says on it? Yep...Mill Creek. Love my life.

Swedish Duck Porn

**This post title brought to you courtesy of the iNDefatigable mjenks.**

Where the hell have I been? I have no clue. I could blame the cold/cough that Stink and I are generously sharing with each other, but that's not it. Or our trip to the Emergency Room last night to treat said cough, but that's not it, either. I don't know. So let's catch up, shall we?

Hmmm...yeah...I've got nothing. Life has been pretty boring in these parts. So I'll do some rambling.

I think I've already touched on Halloween, but here's a few pictures.




Those were taken at an event the night before at a nearby petting zoo. Ordinarily I'd have more pictures, but my hands were frozen it was so freaking cold out. These were taken the next day, about 35 degrees warmer.





The day after Halloween I was driving and I heard a song on the radio and thought to myself, "Weird, I thought this was a holiday song." Next song up? "Jingle Bells." Why is it that every year I forget that one of our radio stations starts Christmas carols November 1st? I'm not ready for it, at all. I have no problem with the holidays, in fact this is probably my favorite time of year. But I just like to get through Thanksgiving before I put up the tree and hang the stockings. So what does my loving and supportive husband do?



That's right, all the living room lights have been switched out with red and green bulbs. This isn't even all of them. And don't get me started on the driveway motion sensor lights.

In other news, here's a piece of "art" that Stink brought home from preschool. A few questions and I learned that it was supposed to be a fence with pumpkins lined up on the top of it. He was bummed because he accidentally painted one (far left) on the bottom. I assured him it was fine, pumpkins are generally on the ground. Evidently he was fine with the pumpkin on the far right levitating.




Alright, I've got one more picture for you. And let's make it interesting. The ever lovely Mala is raising money for a good cause. (Scroll back to her 11/08 post, I can't seem to link directly to it.) I'll donate $10 in your name if you can correctly identify what this is, AND what I thought it was. (Here's a hint, this was done prior to Halloween.) And to REALLY raise the stakes, I'll throw in another $5 if you can tell me what word I thought it was. Mind you, I was lucid and sober when I laid my eyes on it, so I can't explain the train of thought. But, again, Halloween.



Alright, that's all I've got. If you're on Facebook and would like to know how to change your page to be in Pirate language, let me know. My nephew shared that info with me earlier this evening. It's entertaining, for a bit.

Hope you all are well, I'm gradually getting back "out there" and trying to catch up on what's going on.

(How come when I do spellcheck it picks up the word "Facebook" as being spelled wrong? Isn't that sort of an accepted word by now?)

Sexual Chocolate

I figured that since it seems I'm only posting once a week, I could give you a more exciting title than "Weekend Wrap Up". Same shit, different name. But somehow it makes it more exciting. For me, anyway.

Back in my bar tending glory days there were lots of "regulars" that came in. When it came time to settle up, there was one guy that always produced a single blank check from his back pocket. After countless nights of watching him struggle to legibly fill it out, I offered to do it for him. I filled out everything except for his signature, but he eventually gave that duty up to me as well. What he didn't realize was that I took liberties with the "Memo" line. "Services Rendered", "Clown Porn", you name it. But "Sexual Chocolate" was always my favorite. Whether or not he ever found out about my shenanigans is still unknown to me. Good times.

Friday night hubby was off work and we headed to a Halloween event with my BFF and her two daughters. It was a lot of fun for the kids, albeit freaking freezing! Yet Sam never complained. And since it was held on the grounds of a petting zoo I was not at all embarrassed when he loudly declared, "This place smells like poop!" D-Dub got assaulted by a flying, flaming marshmallow and was noticeably grumpy the rest of the evening. Can't say that I blame him.

Saturday the weather did a complete 180. We hit two shopping plazas and one mall. Sam's candy haul is absurd! Then we stopped by a get together my mom was at. We left there with a huge bag of candy and a bottle of wine. Best. Treat. Ever.

Later that night three fire trucks went by our house headed east so we turned on the news to see if we could figure out what happened. There was nothing close to home, but there was a story about a house fire out south. We cringed when they said the man had 3rd degree burns on 98% of his body. We officially changed "fire" as worst way to die, taking over the previous worst way, drowning.

Yesterday was wonderful weather. Rather than riding his motorcycle, my poor husband spent 5 hours raking leaves. I woke up feeling like death. Thankfully, Stink kept himself entertained and I laid in bed. Feel much better today, but Sam and I both have a lingering cough.

Remember when I mentioned I was a bartender? (If you don't, you have some serious short term memory loss.) Imagine my horror and sadness when I logged onto Facebook last night and read a message from my friend that the fire victim was one of my old regulars. He obviously passed away, and I'm seriously bummed about it. There's going to be a "Cheers To Jimmy" at the bar Saturday night and I have a feeling that not only will there be a lot of people there, it's going to be a tear jerker.

Man Dies While Smoking Near Oxygen - NBC Action News KSHB-TV 41



In an effort to not go out on such a sad note, here's a picture of Stink as "Optimus Prime". At least, I assume that's him. He was with his dad when this was taken, so I'm just taking his word for it.



When we had him he quickly ditched the mask. His lame excuse? "I can't breathe." What a wimp.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Weekend Wrap Up

All the fun around here started Wednesday evening. I went out to the garage and noticed a few bugs. Thought nothing of it. Went out again and saw hundreds. Being a practical person, I updated my Facebook status then promptly took pictures of them and uploaded them to FB. (I'll spare you, as they were deemed "gross" by more than one person.) D-Dub (hubby) was supposed to get home early from work, so I did nothing about it. Needless to say, "early" turned out to be not so much, and by the time he got home it was upgraded to plague status. He had hoped to relax a bit and get to bed early for a 6:00am meeting the next day. Instead, he spent a great deal of time sweeping and blowing out the garage, spraying poison, and setting off a bug bomb.

That seemed to do the trick, mostly. Thursday there were a few survivors, so that night he set off another bomb. We still see a few stragglers, but they are moving slowly and I think I heard one cough. One appeared to be holding up a white flag, but I might have imagined that.

Saturday afternoon Sam headed off with his "other" grandparents and D-Dub had to work. I had plans to meet a long lost high school friend for drinks. I was going to drive to the bar, and he'd pick me up after work. Turned out work was mundanely slow and his guys were up and running so he bailed early. He dropped me off at 6:30, then picked me up about 4 hours later. I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had! I was very nervous going in. I mean, we chat on FB often and it's always entertaining, but you never know. She hasn't changed a bit in 18 years, and is as sweet and funny as I remember. She cusses like a sailor and drinks like a fish. Perfection! I didn't take my camera, and I'm happy about it. I'd hate to post a picture as you'd likely look at it and think, "Wow, she is lovely." Then look at me and think, "Aw, well, that's too bad."

Today D-Dub went to a pizza party for a friend turning 40. (Is that the new thing? That's the second one in 6 months we've been invited to.) I stayed behind and snuggled in bed and listened to the pounding rain. When he came home he said that the party was continuing later at, of all places, "Bar." Super. I showered and got ready and we met about 6-8 people there.

(I was going to take a picture but it was rainy and by that point practically dark. But I swear on all that is holy I will someday get a snapshot of that dump.)

Everybody was really intoxicated except us. The birthday boy especially so. Then a bit later his absurdly high as a kite, 18 year old son walked in. The kid mentioned the munchies, so dad gestured to the bartender and mentioned a "dick sandwich". There were other odd comments made and at one point somebody asked if I was OK. I later told D-Dub that I didn't want to come off as snotty or acting like I was better than them, but c'mon! I love my husband for the fact that numerous times throughout the evening he looked over at me and mouthed out, "good sport", and at one point whispered, "I feel a blog post coming on." Man, he knows me well!

We only hung out for a few hours then headed home. Watched a little Sunday night football while flipping over to the baseball game. I whipped up a little something to eat awhile ago and now we are full. He's watching "Storm Chasers" while I work on this. Stink gets back tomorrow and he'll be thrilled to learn that D-Dub purchased the new Transformers movie!

I don't want to make this much longer, but I'll sign out by telling you that while one of the most obnoxious guys was reliving the past he mentioned his time spent at a bar called, "The Back Door." Before I could stop myself I said, "OK, now that sounds really gay!" Laughter erupted and I mentally scored one for myself. (And if you think I have a an issue with homosexuality, then go away.)

Hope you all had a great weekend! What's everyone dressing as for Halloween?

Weak-End Wrap Up

Throughout the day a whole myriad of news stories pop up on the screen and out of boredom I tend to check most of them out. Besides, one can only watch so much porn. But for whatever reason I never looked into this odd story. That is until Falcon was "rescued" and they showed a family photo. And my first thought was, "Man, they look familiar!" Then I realized, with complete shame, that they'd been on "Wife Swap" and that I'd seen the episode. Thinking back to what a total freak show the dad had been, I was not at all surprised. I won't bore you with my opinions on the matter, but I will say that I'm happy to learn that charges are being filed.

Instead I will bore you with the details of my weekend. Seriously, Friday night was so pathetic that my Facebook status read, "This is possibly the lamest Friday night ever." Luckily, my old friend Cindy was at home and just as bored. We took over her daughter's page and by the time it was all said and done I was crying I was laughing so hard. And for reasons that I don't recall, we were both speaking like Yoda towards the end. Good times.

Saturday evening after a yummy dinner of Tacos my guys retired to the family room and proceeded to watch Nascar. Cut to me up in the bedroom finishing up my book and occasionally glancing at whatever was on television. The phone rang and as I reached for it I glanced at the TV, which also displays the caller ID. Imagine my surprise when I saw my husband's name. I answered the phone, "Really?" He laughed and said, "Come check us out." I obliged and headed downstairs, trying to imagine what they were up to. Something very sweet or cute, I was sure. And this is what I happened upon.






Reason for the call? Another beer and more apple juice, please. I love them, so I took their order and delivered their drinks.

Sunday Sam was off to the Pumpkin Patch with his "other" Grandparents. Hubby took advantage of the wonderful weather and went for a motorcycle ride. I opted to stay behind and do absolutely nothing get busy with housework.

Sunday evening we lounged around and watched TV, and somehow I ended up making a run to Burger King for two hungry guys. Sam retreated to his room to play computer games and my husband watched "Storm Chasers."

And this concludes the wrap up of the most boring weekend ever. I would like to thank everybody for their concern regarding Sam and his junk. We are completely baffled as to what the problem was, but happy to report that all is normal again. But just to be on the safe side, and be able to get a jump on things should trouble *ahem* arise, he hasn't taken his hand out of his pants all week. Makes a mama proud.

Late Weekend Wrap Up

Friday my husband took the day off work and spent some time doing some things around the house to get ready for winter. Then he made us beef enchiladas, refried beans, and fideo for dinner. Yum!

Saturday we had planned on going to the Pumpkin Patch. Here's a picture of my guys from last year. If it wasn't in black and white you could see how bright and sunny it was that day. In fact, we were all a bit hot towards the end of the day.



Here's a picture from this year.



Holy shit, it was cold! We broke out Sam's winter coat and hubby and I layered. We all set out with hats and gloves and thermals on. What the hell? Stink never once complained though and was a better sport about posing for pictures than he was last year.




Notice the hood in the background? How incredibly creepy looking is that? He was sporting the Unabomber look all day. Throw in a corn maze and it was nightmare material.

And this year was the first time that Stink was able to do the Zip Line by himself, and boy, was he proud!




Despite the risk of frost bite and potential hypothermia, it was a fun day. We scored and got three good looking pumpkins, small, medium, and large.




Afterwards we headed to one of my hubby's favorite restaurants, and at some point it hit me that we ate there last year after the Pumpkin Patch. A tradition has been born!

The rest of the weekend was laid back with not much to report. So I'll tell ya a weird story.

Stink had been fighting off a cold all weekend so we were not at all surprised when he slept in Saturday. He came into our room and immediately asked that my husband turn his computer games on. He obliged, and was doing so when Sam headed to the bathroom for his morning potty break. He came back and reported, "I hate it when my penis is really big." What now? He showed it to us, and I was speechless! We tried to go to Walgreen's Urgent Care, but evidently they don't treat such matters. Somehow, the problem took care of itself, but it's still baffling. I said it looked like an acorn, and my hubby referenced the Michelin Man. My dad called in the evening and asked about it. He told my husband it looked like "a lamp shade with a tiny light bulb." I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it was fiercely accurate and had us in tears laughing.

I had Sam pull his underwear down to take a gander and then told him to head upstairs to put some cream on it. Evidently, he didn't return his junk to his underwear, because as we're headed up the steps he says, "Walking around with my penis out sure does feel good!" Men. What can you do?